Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

Do not put up with any bad treatment from a man. The moment he shows himself to be nasty, abusive, or in any way horrible to you get rid of him because you are better off on your own than being abused by a man Behind Closed Doors.

Don’t put all your trust in any man no matter how much you love him. Keep your wits about you if you have a feeling something is “off”.
Be aware of the legal implications of marriage which can work for or against you.
Should you want to end the relationship in the future divorce is a lot more expensive and difficult than simply walking away.
Don’t lose yourself and your identity for any man.
Make sure you aren’t the one doing all the “compromising”.
If you are going into a relationship with a man who has children think long and hard about the realities of being a step mother. Frequently not a bed of roses.
Set your boundaries from the start or in the warm flush of honeymoon period you can start on a long road of accommodating a man child.

Yes I know some will say well my husband isn’t like that but we all speak from our own experience and this is mine.

Place marking. Will return later with my 10.

Care less.

“Be kind” is another way of being told “be quiet”.

Nobody falls in love as fast as a man who needs a home.

The man you’re in a relationship with is very different to the man you’re divorcing/breaking up with. Don’t assume that he’ll protect your best interests.

A grown man won’t let himself starve to death. He can cook, he just chooses not to because he knows you’ll do it.

Don't think having children is the default. Give it very serious consideration.

Take every opportunity to learn, gain experience and skills, and practice the skills you already have. It’s much easier to learn when you’re younger, and there are more opportunities to try things out.

If you have a family member or older friend who is good at DIY, cookery, or sewing. ask them to teach you. You will be really grateful for these skills once you leave home.

If you go to university, join clubs, learn languages, play sports, take up hobbies. Most of these things will be available at reduced or no cost, which is not true once you’re out of education.

Remember that not all careers have to start with a degree. If you like working with your hands, look around for apprenticeships and other opportunities. The UK is crying out for skilled tradespeople.

Practise saying “no”. Other people are not always entitled to your time or energy. If someone has a habit of trying to pressure you, it’s okay to be firm in your “no” - you should only have to say it once, and if they persist they are the ones being rude, not you.

Practise accepting a reasonable “no” from other people, without feeling rejection or resentment.

If you have said “yes” to an invitation or request, but wanted to say “no”, don’t flake out. Own your mistake, and either cancel as soon as possible, or do the thing with a good grace this time and resolve to say “no” next time.

Practise being wrong gracefully. You can learn so much when you’re genuinely open to having your mistakes explained to you.

1. No kids before marriage
2. Maintain ability to earn your own money (don’t be a long term SAHP)
3. Ensure you understand personal and family finances
4. Start saving/investing/pensions early
5. Avoid excessive lifestyle creep if you earn well
6. Think carefully before deciding to stay in a relationship if you think you’ve settled
7. Build strong friendships
8. Weightlifting for bone strength is a must (I started at 50 and love it!)
9. If possible find work that is fulfilling
10. Keep using your brain - learn new things
11. Treat other people as you would wish to be treated. Kindness and civility matter.

Despite what the supermarket self-service tills would have you believe, no one is coming to help. Look after yourself first and foremost.

From my experience with my ExH.

Never stay once he’s tried to throttle you.

Never let him try to force you have an abortion after unprotected sex which he thoroughly enjoyed (and accepted the risks).

Don’t take him back after the first affair - there’s a good chance he’ll do it again.

From my experience with my parents.

If your parents are divorced don’t listen to one running down the other.

Don’t let your parents dictate your career.

But listen to your parents when they say your husband is an A-hole.

Look after your skin. Moisturise and use a SPF

Be true to yourself.
Read lots
Marry someone you have lots in common with

Don't rush into everything

Water your own grass instead of comparing it to others

In your 20s and 30s

-Rather than buying coffee and breakfast at the cafe across the road for years, bring in your own coffee and have breakfast before you leave the house and - this is the crucial bit - put that money into your pension instead. I wish I had as then I could retire now ( mid 50s)

• Your skin is young and beautiful, use cheap toiletries and make up and put the extra money into your pension, oh ok use it to go travelling instead

• You may have some male "pals" at work who you think enjoy your banter and are genuine friends, besides they are married anyway so completely innocent friendship. Notice how they are not friends with Tracey from accounts in her 50s, and be wary of their motives.

@rookiemere
Spot on 👍

Never, ever go on a diet.

Best advice ever.