Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

I agree. My family is massively messed up. So I suppose I’m only good enough for a man from a messed up family too? I would not make the cut as relationship material if the rule were followed equitably by both sexes.

The rule is just an updated way of expressing outdated sayings like
"Bad blood will out”
"Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”

When I'm actual fact - IME at least - escapees from dysfunctional families make really good, reflective parents and partners because they want to break the cycle and do better.

The ones in denial - the ones PP meant - are the dangerous ones.

Oooh why so prickly?

I would have loved this advice when I was 20. Just because you didn't need it when you were younger doesn't mean others won't listen 😊

Don't revolve your life around finding a partner.

Be very selective/picky about getting involved.

Start saving 10 percent with your first paycheck and never stop.

Don't settle for a job you hate.

Have adventures, be they an afternoon or a month. It's the mindset. Never stop exploring and being curious.

Buy second hand as much as possible, except for mattresses, underwear and socks.

Don't collect anything or accumulate a household of stuff; live lightly and you'll be mobile enough to nimbly take advantage of unexpected opportunities.

Force yourself to network. It truly is "who you know."

Always be kind to insects, birds and animals. Don't kill - take them outdoors on a piece of paper. Keep bowls of water in your garden and parking area for wildlife.

Stay at pleasant arm's length with neighbours and co-workers.

Oh and avoid doing anything that might cause your body permanent damage (fillers, Botox, vaping, hormones intended for the opposite sex and many more!).

Clementine Paddleford‘s advice applies to every situation:
Never grow a wishbone, daughter
Where your backbone ought to be

I'm glad posters added advice beyond relationships. There's so much more that needs thinking about such as health and finances.

Not pessimistic but realistic.

It seems you have had nothing but good experiences with men and for that I am genuinely pleased for you.

Other women have not had good experiences with men and I believe this advice is needed for future generations. We don't have to put up with bad behaviour from men any longer.

This is all good advice, not misandry.

Don't assume that he'll change once you're married, have kids etc. He might, but don't count on it.

Have a baby in your early 20s they’ll be independent while your still young enough to enjoy life 😂 I’m 40 this year with a 3 year old

Oh I did that. Didn't work actually because the first two were really nice and I wanted a second batch.

Every man has an ex. Might have been a girlfriend, a wife or a best friend. Meet them and try to figure out why they are now ex. They will all have a story to tell and they may be right.

Live on your own, don't have children.
👍

Your health can be taken away in one second no matter how much exercise you do or how fit you are or what you eat so live life to the full while you still can!

Only 10 words?

You really really really really don't need a man.

Have one ONLY if he makes you happier than you are single. Otherwise, don't bother.

Don't drop your friends when you have children. Your children (all being well) will leave you one day. Don't have that day come and then realise that you have no one and nothing else in your life.

Live your life for you, but with love and kindness for others. So many women live their lives for other people.

Haha I second this 🤣

AMEN 🙌

Build a good life for yourself on the basis that you might be single forever.

I know this advice wouldn't be needed by most women but I wish I could go back to my 20s and tell myself that. I thought my life would start when I was one half of a couple. I can see that if that works out for people then it's not "untrue" but assume it is not true and build a life that will fulfil you if you're single.

Loads of good advice on this thread about potential pitfalls and how things can go wrong and about being independent. I do think it's important to encourage a positive mindset as well.

Don't try to be nice so everyone will like you. Be yourself and let people who like the real you gravitate towards you.

Set up regular savings and pension.

Men treat you the way you treat yourself. Assume you are gorgeous and worthy of love and respect at all times to attract the right partner.

Men treat you the way you let them treat you. Even good men test the boundaries. Have zero tolerance for being bossed or criticised unnecessarily.

You are very probably way more gorgeous than you realise. Enjoy it. If you are within BMI you are not fat. Don't torture yourself for being 7lbs heavier than your ideal weight. Enjoy being young and sexy.

Get fit and stay fit. Working out regularly is one iof the nicest things you can do for yourself.

If you have children, don't forget yourself. It's hard to make time for your own interests, style, friends, but try.

Always have something tiny to look forward to each day, something small to look forward to each week, something medium to look forward to each month, something big to look forward to each season and something mega to work towards and achieve each year. It keeps life fun and interesting.

Ask for a raise. If you don't get one, apply for the next level job up elsewhere. Get your career earning proper money for you. Politely negotiate pay deals whenever possible. There's often a bit more money in the pot. It usually goes to men because they ask for it and women don't.

Don’t take shit from anyone.

Never ever rely on anyone to support you financially, man,woman, parent, offspring. It makes you vulnerable and people will abuse that.
Maintain your career & your pension at all cost.

Only have a child before marriage if you can afford the £120k it will cost you to raise your child alone.

Prioritise getting fit and healthy and prioritise maintaining it, even after you have kids. Spend your money on a gym you really like, or a personal trainer, good running shoes, etc.
There are a number of good reasons:

1. long term good health - lower risk of illness/disease
2. you only get one body. Treat it like you treat your children - nourish it, care for it, love it. That meat suit has to carry you through your lifetime.
3. enjoy it. Keep it flexible, make love with it, treat it to lovely clothes and jewels. It will make you feel good.

I wish someone had told me that at 18. The greatest gift I have given my children is a love of sports and keeping active (by supporting them at clubs, etc.). It is great for their minds and bodies, confidence, self-efficacy, and self belief.

Look after your feet, knees, and teeth.

Remember you are still a wife/partner/husband after you have children, and devote time and effort to keeping those coals burning. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole of motherhood where it becomes your whole raison d’etre. Feeling loved and appreciated pays big dividends in the long term.

Don’t let people treat you badly. Know your values and boundaries and exert them consistently.

As everyone else has said:

Friends
Pensions
Family
Financial independence/safety

If you need help ask for it early.
Go to the doctor if you need to - don’t let the thing get worse.
Don’t be a martyr - nobody will notice or thank you for it.

Brilliant.