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Original poster

Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

519 replies

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 08:44

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 07/07/2024 08:46

Oh- now that’s a tricky one.

rubyslippers · 07/07/2024 08:48

Before you had your daughter did you discuss work?
having a young child and feeling isolated isn’t great

whilst your job sounds great - you aren’t willing to compromise at all for now. That’s an issue

you live somewhere where there’s no employment options for wife - there must be a middle ground

Devilsmommy · 07/07/2024 08:49

Is there a city nearby from which you could commute from to your job?

DietCokeandHulaHoops · 07/07/2024 08:49

So I’m assuming that you’re lived where you do for 11 years and all was ok. but the trigger is the baby?

I’d try and have an open chat about what it is that makes her hate it. Does your wife have a support network there? Friends? Are the schools ok?
did she raise this before - or has it come on in the year since baby was born?

WhatDoIDoPeople · 07/07/2024 08:51

Try costing up what will happen if she ends up leaving you because of her unhappiness. Your costs v benefits only takes into account if you decide to compromise or if you don’t. The other option would be that she decides not to put up with it, and then I wonder what changes you’d be forced to make in your life?

WhereIsMyLight · 07/07/2024 08:52

Longer term one of you is going to need to do some further training. On paper, it would make more sense for you to do the training - you can’t work anywhere but there but she can work anywhere but there. She is also miserable there. However, you will also need to work out the finances for moving elsewhere and check it is financially viable - both of you would then be able to work and you wouldn’t take a pay cut.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 07/07/2024 08:53

Can you move slightly closer to a city so you can stay in your role and your wife can work somewhere she will be happier. You should definitely not change jobs and lose the advantage you have. Once your daughter is lttle older 1 or 2, can your wife go back to travel nursing. Lots of families cope with the husband being away in the forces or on oil rigs or working on boats etc. There is no reason it can't work with the woman being the one who is away.

Meadowfinch · 07/07/2024 08:54

I think some form of compromise is possible.

What are you doing to gain the engineering degree that you would need to maintain your position elsewhere? You are horribly vulnerable and totally reliant on one employer for your current position, so can you get your engineering degree via night school or remote learning?

Has your wife tried agency nursing/ private work. My dsis was a registered children's nurse and midwife, and worked privately for high net worth people who wanted care while travelling but usually for short periods - 1-2 days. It supplemented her basic hospital pay and provided variety.

Original poster
conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 08:54

rubyslippers · 07/07/2024 08:48

Before you had your daughter did you discuss work?
having a young child and feeling isolated isn’t great

whilst your job sounds great - you aren’t willing to compromise at all for now. That’s an issue

you live somewhere where there’s no employment options for wife - there must be a middle ground

Yes we discussed work.I let her know before we ever got serious that my job was going to be limited to this location and she said that was fine because she was going to be a travel nurse anyways so it did not matter. Our daughter was not planned but when she found out she was pregnant, she said she would go to the local hospital for work until she got a WFH job. We are not isolated here, her family and mine are nearby.

OP posts:
Ivycott90 · 07/07/2024 08:55

Well presumably your wife knew she wouldn’t be able to keep travelling after having a baby but she had a baby anyway. You’re not willing to compromise which must be frustrating for her but she decided to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing she didn’t like where you were living and knowing travelling wouldn’t be an option for her anymore. I think it’s a case of ‘she’s made her bed’

flamesdancing · 07/07/2024 08:55

I admit i don’t know Indiana well (!) but there must be at least one city or larger town within say an hour’s commute of your job? Could you not move there?

Linearforeignbody · 07/07/2024 08:55

If you were both working your income would be the same, if not more, than if it were just you.
Yes, you might take a pay cut but if overall household income is the same AND you have a happy wife that’s got to be better, surely?

3luckystars · 07/07/2024 08:57

Go to college at night and get the degree and move then.

Original poster
conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 08:57

Devilsmommy · 07/07/2024 08:49

Is there a city nearby from which you could commute from to your job?

We are about 2.5 hours from the nearest city and the housing costs are astronomical. We have a 2.3% interest rate on a 4k sq ft house. Our mortgage is $400. We would also have to pay for childcare which we do not have to right now since family helps

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 07/07/2024 08:58

Well - the first and obvious question is - are you sure you couldn’t be “purple widget maker” elsewhere. I realise that a non engineer with no experience is unlikely to get a purple widget maker job but you are now an experienced “purple widget maker” which is a very different situation.

So spend some time investigating that. Apply for jobs if they come up.

But assuming that you are right and you can’t get your job anywhere else…..

Sit down, do the sums, look at different areas, what would you do, what would you earn, what would she do, what would she earn, what would be the cost of an equivalent house? How would you make it work? Is there really nowhere else that you can live to get a decent standard of living?

ButtSurgery · 07/07/2024 08:59

Can she go back to being a travel nurse? Plenty of fathers work away for weeks at a time, why not a mum? Or even just take a couple of contracts a year?

Original poster
conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 08:59

Ivycott90 · 07/07/2024 08:55

Well presumably your wife knew she wouldn’t be able to keep travelling after having a baby but she had a baby anyway. You’re not willing to compromise which must be frustrating for her but she decided to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing she didn’t like where you were living and knowing travelling wouldn’t be an option for her anymore. I think it’s a case of ‘she’s made her bed’

well.. there is a bit more to it. She had an IUD when she fell pregnant and was already 6 months along when we found out. She went in for bloodwork for a new job and they told her she was pregnant. So it was very unplanned and a bit late to do anything at that point

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 07/07/2024 09:02

Ivycott90 · 07/07/2024 08:55

Well presumably your wife knew she wouldn’t be able to keep travelling after having a baby but she had a baby anyway. You’re not willing to compromise which must be frustrating for her but she decided to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing she didn’t like where you were living and knowing travelling wouldn’t be an option for her anymore. I think it’s a case of ‘she’s made her bed’

That's quite nasty your basically saying that because she didn't have an abortion when she found out she was accidentally pregnant she should suffer whilst he gets to just carry on as normal because it's her fault. You might want to check your misogyny on this

GalacticalFarce · 07/07/2024 09:02

How about you try looking for a job, see what happens and look at house prices in your desired area.
Sometimes things that seem out of reach can be possible.

ACynicalDad · 07/07/2024 09:03

I’d apply for a few jobs near the city and see if one comes off. At least it shows willing. Can you both afford for her not to work for a couple of years or get a nanny?

Spirallingdownwards · 07/07/2024 09:04

I would work out a way whereby she could go back to being a travel nurse. It's what she is missing in reality. Your family are nearby and your mortgage low. If your job is so amazing you can't earn the same elsewhere and then she earns as a travel nurse then you would be able to afford the additional childcare.

If she doesn't want to leave the child to go back to travel nursing then she needs to appreciate that this is what life is now and look for nursing work nearby.

ALunchbox · 07/07/2024 09:05

I wouldn't move, no. But do you work 'standard' hours that would enable you to be the main carer while she works away?

Original poster
conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 09:07

Mumofteenandtween · 07/07/2024 08:58

Well - the first and obvious question is - are you sure you couldn’t be “purple widget maker” elsewhere. I realise that a non engineer with no experience is unlikely to get a purple widget maker job but you are now an experienced “purple widget maker” which is a very different situation.

So spend some time investigating that. Apply for jobs if they come up.

But assuming that you are right and you can’t get your job anywhere else…..

Sit down, do the sums, look at different areas, what would you do, what would you earn, what would she do, what would she earn, what would be the cost of an equivalent house? How would you make it work? Is there really nowhere else that you can live to get a decent standard of living?

We have sat down and ran numbers. We would be worse off financially anywhere else. My actual position is fairly niche and regional. I have a pension, free healthcare for us all, 401k with 9% match, fairly flexible hours which has come in handy with the baby, 6 weeks PTO, 6 months paid parental leave which was a godsend with our daughter, and 30 days of sick leave. I make 135k and she makes 60k here. All of our bills run around 4k a month. We have free childcare as family lives nearby. We have looked in other areas and our income would be a bit lower than what we have but our expenses would triple between what we would pay for a mortgage on half the house we have now and childcare

OP posts:
GoFigure235 · 07/07/2024 09:08

Why can't she go back to travel nursing? If your job is flexible, you can get childcare for your LO and look after her round your job while your wife is away.

ALunchbox · 07/07/2024 09:08

If not, the only thing I would do in your shoes is to agree to look for a job in a big city and if it matches the pay and benefits of your current job and makes up for the increase in mortgage and childcare, then why not.
She might be less resentful if she sees you are trying to find solutions. I'd make clear though that you are unlikely to find a job that facilitates all of the above.