Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

There has to be compromise but it sounds like your wife has no plans or compromise (although this is from your perspective). I get it's tough for her but it sounds like she's not willing to see where this plan won't work. On the flip side you need to look at other jobs outside of your current role to see what could come up. But at the front of this all is a baby, where does she benefit? Your wife doesn't want to be away from her but if you move and both need to work around the clock she will spend all day everyday in daycare. I don't see any happy outcomes here. Your wife is never going to be happy. She's probably grieving the life she had and moving to a city isn't going to fix it but she needs something

I don't think this is about where you live, I think it’s more to do with your wife having cabin fever. She is used to spending her time travelling for work and is now at home with your baby; a huge adjustment for her.

I actually think that staying where you are makes more sense than moving would as you say that your families are nearby so could (hopefully) assist with childcare if and when your wife returns to work (either locally or doing some travelling again).

A timescale might help her. When I felt trapped by where I was living (circumstances meant I had to live with family for a while) it helped me a lot to say to myself “I will do this for x time and then I will do Y”

In her case, that might be her current job until the baby is 2, then a mix of locum/sick cover and one travel nursing assignment a month, or whatever. Then when baby is 3, increasing the travel nursing and decreasing the locum work etc.

Or when baby is 3, you sell up and buy a smaller house in the city and you live with family during the week and go home at weekends.

Neither of these specifically might be right, but having some medium term concrete options might make the short term more bearable.

What does she want?
Ask her to spell out any feasible options for you both to consider

She does work locally and has since our daughter was born but says it is boring and doesn't pay enough. her main thing is the location

she wants to move to the city where she can have higher pay and more job options

Is the city the 2.5 hour commute for you place?

Sounds ridiculously oversized for a family of 3. Of course your expectations are going to fall short elsewhere if you insist on living in a mansion.

I don’t think massive changes with a baby is wise.

Two properties (smaller? One tiny flat?) and commute weekly. People do this length of commute often.

You'd have to think carefully about where, though, because where the child grows up is important. Plus if she moves away from family, it could cause problems (she won’t know anyone anyway).

By weekly, I'm assuming consecutive workdays. For example, friends I know live in London Monday- Friday and the north of England Friday evening/ weekends and holidays.

Op
Can you clarify why your bills are 4K monthly with zero childcare and a $400 mortgage ?
$3600 a month on bills/ food/ utilities is huge

Sorry posted to soon
if this is local taxes or travel costs then moving to a city or just outside might be feasible

So we did sign a prenup and if it came to divorce, financially i really would not be hurt. Not trying to sound like a dick but that is just the truth with our prenup terms. I have no issue paying child support and giving her the house if she would want it. I have been looking into getting my degree but the big thing is, while my position is typically held for engineers, it is not an engineering role. It is essentially a position that is unique to my plant. It is not a role/position i can just get anywhere, even with an engineering degree. While it would suck if something happened with my job, I could always go work for my dad nearby or my uncle, both of which own their own businesses

You should be moving closer to the nearest city. If that increases your commute then that is too bad. Yes it will be more expensive and more travel for you, but you can not expect her to stay where she is op. She sounds so miserable and isolated.

So you move to the nearest city
She makes new friends and has more working options
A better social life

You should be studying for a degree part time, so you can move and have job prospects in other areas in a few years. You can't rely that one company will give you a job for life. You need to do this either way.

How old are you both?

I wonder if this is more of a lifestyle incompatibility. You are favouring steady life, job, looking at a good retirement whereas your wife wants more variety and isn't focussed on long-term future.

I think you should both explore options with a genuinely open mind. You are saying your package is great and would be unwise to move but depending on your age, is that really the case? Some people take an income drop to support a lifestyle move. At your current salary you must be saving significantly.

I sense you feel a great achievement for your work success which is something to be proud of but are you being too risky adverse?

If you moved and had less disposable income but a happy wife would YOU be able to cope?

How did you two meet?! You seem to have nothing in common!

her car, her student loans, car insurance for 3 cars, groceries, utilities, life insurance, phones, going out to eat, baby stuff, hobbies etc. I should have clarified, 4k a month is all of our expenses- necessary bills and whatever we want

It seems as if things are pretty sweet to some extent where you are, you have a very good job, with the benefits you earlier outlined, you have family and childcare nearby. Another point I picked up on….your wife’s Mother moved to be nearby, you upsticks and that leaves her living somewhere she probably wouldn’t choose. I know, my comments aren’t helpful. There’s a lot in the mix, and I honestly don’t see how everyone is going to get what they want without a separation, either that someone’s got to give way on what they want. Good luck.

Why do you have 3 cars?

@FancyBiscuitsLevel
Many parents work away, also many parents have to compromise which she doesn't seem to want to do, wants a career, live in city, no childcare, no to SAHM. If this was. man moaning about his house and expecting his wife to give up a secure job, he'd have his arse handed to him and told he must do whatever his wife wants

I think this is the crux of it. She seems to be looking outside for inner happiness. Being English I have no idea what the reality of rural Indiana must be like (although I can imagine) but if there is a strong family and friend network anywhere can feel like home. My suspicion is she is depressed, possibly post partum. An unplanned (though much loved) baby must really turn life plans upside down, practically and emotionally. The idea that she is ‘stuck’ in rural Indiana for the foreseeable future (maybe forever) must be weighing her down.

I do agree though that you should really look into getting some solid certification for future employment as there are no guarantees your current job will be there for life.

It is a very difficult situation to navigate to make sure you’re both happy with the compromises that need to be made. Make a list (together) of what’s important to you both and the steps that are needed to attain that. Getting it out of your individual heads and onto a piece of paper can help make things clearer.

She is frustrated because she has gone from an exciting, varied life of freedom to basically being trapped in one boring place with a man whom she may well love but will not stop talking about his pension. Sorry but you don't sound willing to compromise either and the fact is you have everything you want and she has nothing she wants except a baby she clearly loves now it's here but didn't want in the first place.

Put yourself in her shoes. You may think she has no right to be unhappy but she is. You need to work together to work out how life can feel a bit more like it felt before you had your daughter and that means you being a bit more open to compromise than you are currently being, as she does too. Otherwise as others are saying she is just going to leave with your daughter and then you will HAVE to do things differently.

Maybe you look for a place to live in the city and then look to work away during the week at your current job.

Why is she so averse to getting a job in your local hospital just to keep her hand in? Even if it doesn't pay well its still a change of scenery and she would be doing the job she trained for. That plus regular trips to the city would help surely?

33 and 31. I am on tract to retire in 9 years at 42. I will have my pension (which I would lose f I left- 4k/month- and I have maxed out my 401k match since i started at 21 plus other investments. House will be paid off by that time as well.