Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

Can people stop going on and on questioning the money, or OP getting a degree. IMO for what it's worth @conflictedhubby0622 I think you need intervention from both of your families to all discuss what's going on with your wife. It sounds like she possibly could have PND, your DD is only a year old, all your wife's old friends are childless and in the city. Her own Mum has said your wife always thinks the grass is greener. It's a huge spin on your wife's previous life, surprise baby, she's bored, she excelled at her previous job and she misses that validation. The fact she says she doesn't want to live there is unreasonable, she chose and designed the home, she was happy with her previous lifestyle and a lot of freedom. You need help with this, and not from a forum. Speak to your wife and tell her you want to involve the family to help come to some sort of compromise. X

@conflictedhubby0622 - please note what @NippyCrab is saying. It’s very wise. Good luck sorting this out.

I think it would be better for her to speak to a neutral third party such as a counselor to work out what she really wants from life. Family members will all have their opinions, she needs to speak to someone who can look at the situation objectively.

Do you have any friends in a similar situation living remotely with a small child? It might help to surround yourselves with others at the same life stage.

@Dery thanks I'm not normally very wise at all, more dippy 😆 but thank you x

Op has already offered different options of counselling and she refused. I feel for them both..

She won’t do it. I have begged her to go. Either as a couple or by herself. She refuses

It sounds like you've looked at all the possibilities and your wife would not be happy with any of them. I do feel for her, being trapped in a rural place in the US sounds like hell to me. But thinking practically there is nothing in your living circumstances you can change. So your wife needs to look at the things that can be changed for her within that situation, work, opportunities to travel, passtimes etc. She seems determined not to explore this but maybe this will change with time. Counselling would be ideal to help her deal with all the changes that have happened to her. But as she doesn't want this I guess it's important to have conversations that focus on her feelings about what her life is like now rather than the practicalities (if you haven't already)

Yes we do and we hang out with them a lot. But I will say the wives are very different from my wife in terms of being career driven and things like that

Hm maybe that's the missing link. To have female friends who are career driven with a young baby. Not a solution at all, just to get to a bit better place and not to feel so alone.

@NippyCrab Yes, if she wants to talk things through with someone, she needs to sort it out for herself.

@conflictedhubby0622 As she’s rejected all of your suggestions, it might be best to say that as you don’t have the solution, it might be best if she works out the best way forward herself. You’re open to ideas.

She seems to be ignoring the difficulties of you moving elsewhere. How does she think you will be able to live if your income drops considerably, you have a bigger mortgage and no help with childcare? I think she should look to go back as a travel nurse if that is what she wants but if she doesn't want to leave the baby that also won't work.

Has she addressed the issues of your pay dropping and no help with childcare?

so it’s not a 401k then. Because they pay out annuities based on how much you’ve put in. Plus 401ks usually penalise you for retiring before retirement age - you have to pay tax on them.

regardless nothing about your financial situation makes sense to me. Nor does your wife’s attitude - do you have any idea WHY she is being so (in your view) unreasonable? Is she normally an unreasonable person?

I have a 401k(that I contribute to and my employer matches 9%) AND a pension. My job has both. I plan on living off my pension and investments until I’m of age to withdraw my 401k without penalty. Plus I have other side hustles I can do for money if I need in the mean time. She can also retire when I do if she wants to.

No, she’s usually not unreasonable at all. I know it’s been a hard adjustment on her. I know she wants to go back to travel nursing and I think she’s having a really hard time accepting the reality of that just not being a possibility anytime in the near future unless she were to leave our daughter. Even when I retire, it’s just not going to be a possibility. Travel nursing involves going on contract for 13 weeks where you are needed and then it’s on to the next location for 13 weeks. That’s really not a sustainable lifestyle with a 9 year old who’s in school and trying to adjust. She knows this.

Just thought I might add that "if a woman came here..." or "if roles were reversed..." (the impact of pregnancy, especially unplanned pregnancy, is a unique challenge only women can face so it would not be appropriate or fair to say a sex-reversed scenario is 100% plausible) does not seem necessary.

Apart from a few commenters who thought that your viewpoint primarily benefits you but not your wife, most are sympathetic and there were commenters who thought she was not being entirely reasonable and more or less took your "side".

Of course, marital problems should be tackled as a team so I'm not saying you should turn this into a me vs her thing, just saying those commenters were more sympathetic to your point of view.

Good luck.

I can't edit the post, but to slightly expand on "the impact of pregnancy, especially unplanned pregnancy, is a unique challenge only women can face", I'm not talking about finances or other set of circumstances that both women and their partners may share -- I mean things that uniquely affect the mothers who carry and give birth (e.g. PPD).

If you moved to the city would she go back to travel nursing ? The same issue applies, she would be away for weeks at a time. There must be options for a nurse where you live. Do yo I not have a hospital, care home or people needing personal care in your area? She needs to look at retraining otherwise. It doesn’t make sense for you to move and lose all the financial benefits and family support. She sounds lonely and isolated so the answer is for her find work she can do where you are and make an effort to make new friends. If she leaves you it doesn’t sound like she could support herself travel nursing with a child. It all sounds very difficult. The answer is not to move, it’s for her to cha he her outlook.

When you say career driven, she wants to continue travel nursing but she can’t. So she doesn’t have a career! Do you mean she’s better educated?

Also if your wife hasn’t worked since your daughter was born nine years ago, has she been unemployed in all that time?

Their daughter is one, not nine.

Ah! There was a post stating she was nine. Confusing. In which case this is all very new to her and she is struggling to adjust to the new status quo.

It can be a really hard adjustment if you're used to travelling - and it does take time to settle. It's the love for your children that makes the long stretches travelling impossible, and you realise that often only once you're in it.

You can hire care but only you can spend time with them. I can relate, I loved travelling for work and it's not possible with my dc, and not practically, but emotionally. And yes, it's meant duller work choices and it does suck a bit - many women can relate.

It does take time - the plan she had for her life isn't working and won't work again probably. That's hard to come to terms with.

And of course we still lie to women 'you can have it all' etc. etc. but you can't be in two places at once and live two incompatible lives.

@Jasmineinthegarden She’s now working at the local hospital as she can’t travel anymore, but she doesn’t like it there. Apparently it’s the only hospital in the area. I suggested upthread that perhaps she looks for a job at a smaller local medical practice, e.g., pediatricians often have nurse-practitioners on staff.

Nursing is usually a highly transferable skill so it must be frustrating if there’s just one employer in that area. She could be stuck at that hospital indefinitely.

RTFT!

She does work locally