Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

Her mom is nearby. Schools are okay. Not the best nut okay. We can homeschool and pay for a teacher if it comes to that. Before, she was not here much. She was a travel nurse and was gone a lot and when she was back home we were usually away on vacation or a trip. She has said before she did not like it here but she was gone most of the time so it was not a big deal to her

Is your wife's mum retired? Would she consider travelling with your wife and baby to do travel nursing?

To be completely honest (and bearing in mind I am probably not the best person give relationship advice) I would be saying "This is where I am from, I have family here, I have a great job here, I have a good life here. I don't want to move somewhere else for a worse quality of life. I am staying here. Please make up your mind now what you really want, because if it isn't this then we should both recognise that now and draw a line under it."

I think you would be crazy to move.

So she's seen the figures and understands what the money situation would be.
Is she ok with that?
Have you said to her ok, if we move then I will only earn X and we will lose these benefits and be worse off. Do you understand that I won't be able to earn you hat I earn now. Do you promise that you won't complain or blame me for not earning as much. You won't start saying I need to earn more. That moving means you accept my reduced earning potential. Can you promise that will never become a problem for you. How do you propose we cover the x deficit we'll be left with?

See what she says to that.

In this case, working for a degree would be good regardless. You never know what the future might hold. What happens if you lose your job? Or the plant closed? Or the niche job was no longer needed? You have the time now to make yourself employable in the future (there or elsewhere)

no shes not. Her mom works full time. she has her when she was 16 so she is only 47

@conflictedhubby0622 it appears you and your dw both want what you want .
She wants to work but not leave the child . She doesn’t want to leave the child but wants to work.
There is work close by but she doesn’t want that.

You both have loads of things to look at but neither are compromising.

you could do a degree but don’t see the point and I feel that’s as you just don’t want to leave the area when it comes to the crunch .

This could end the marriage with you both wanting and needing different things .

Do you actually plan to retire in 9 years, at 42?

If so, then at the very least you need a plan for that sort of time (assuming once you retire you are happy to move for your wife’s work)

By the way, is it common to have a pre nup at your sort of £ level? I always assumed those were for folks with lots of inherited wealth.

I think this isn't something you can fix. Either your wife comes to term with it, and embraces the life you have, or she leaves you to return to a city with your child. You have to have that conversation with a marriage counsellor so she can decide. But I don't think it's in your gift.

I do agree though that you should really look into getting some solid certification for future employment as there are no guarantees your current job will be there for life-

He could work with his uncle or dad though.

I think you want totally different things and can’t see how you can compromise on this.

Maybe go your separate ways? Not easy, but one person is going to end up resentful.

Youre happy where you are, she’s unhappy. You’d be unhappy where she wants to go.

By the way, have you also posted on US boards? We don’t have 401k etc things here so you might get better advice on a US focused site

there has to be a compromise @conflictedhubby0622 ! You both sound as stubborn as each other. I think if you moved to a half way point between the city and your job then it could work. But then you will have to take a hit on the mortgage. You cannot have it every way and neither will she. But as someone who is separated after feeling very trapped and let down. I say…listen to her warnings. Once she has decided she is out I doubt she will change her mind.

Just seen you can retire in 9 years. I would hang on and do that… Then you can move around to your heart's content.

Because this is primarily a UK site where commuting to cities is very easy most won't understand that rural in the USA doesn't mean you can drive to a city in an hour you would need to tell us how far another hospital or city/major town is for people to get the True picture and level of compromise possible. We also have different ways of gaining degrees to you so don't know the financial situation or if you can do it whilst working.

The prenup makes this even worse for your wife. You are going to be OK financially from the divorce, you earn more than twice what she does, will have a great pension due to this but you are actively stopping her from maximising her income and career progression. She has studied and gained qualifications but you are telling her to forget about that and that she needs to live with you 2.5 hours away from the nearest city so that you can further your own career and continue to be the main earner. She could make as much as you do or more if you just lived in a state/area that pays nurses well and her job is waaaay more secure than yours. This just screams of patriarchal privilege.

Best compromise would be to move some place else that is halfway. You both commute, you can still keep your job, she can find one at a city hospital, and your family would still be able to help out when needed. You need to seriously look into possible locations and what's available and sustainable rather than just going no ,no ,no.

Can she explain what she wants, other than to move to a city - how does she propose that works? You find a new job, paying less but she can make up the difference, is that it? And childcare?
Ultimately she is saying she wants you to give up your job?

the retirement in 9 years, family support nearby, low mortgage and you are working in the same role my husband studied for 7 years for - it’s a no brainer for you to stay. You have to stay. She needs weekends away and to make a life (I live rurally and it’s taken years to settle)

I agree with a previous poster - is there any way for you to facilitate her living closer to the city in a smaller place with you visiting each other when you can?

It would be expensive, but at least she could try out this other life that's going to be so great, see how it actually works in real life - because tbh when you've got a 1 year old, you don't (ime) live the same life in the city that you do when you were childfree and she may not be fully realising that.

If you're planning to retire in 9 years would you move for her then?

It doesn't sound like you've ever really lived together anyway before the dc.

her car, my truck, and my old car we use as a spare- like for road trips or one if our cars is in the shop, we got into an accident, etc

It sounds like you have set up this marriage to entirely suit yourself in all ways. You are on track to retire at 42!
You are making a fortune in investments and new job promotions and meanwhile her career is dying and she can't find good work options where you live. This is grotesquely unfair.

Plus the pre nup. You have stitched her up.

No wonder she is miserable! I would be leaving in her position, you are doing nothing at all to help her and are actively making life harder for her while you cash in.

There is no amount of money you could pay me to take my happiness.

You talk as though you have a cushty/luxurious life, but you don't, because she's miserable.

Christ just seen the prenup thing. You really stitched her up didn't you? She doesn't even benefit from giving up her life for you. You get to use her and bin her off and get everything you want while she gets to miserable and trapped with you until you get sick of her still working while you're retired and loaded and trade her in for a younger model and leave her with no career and nothing to show for all the years she gave you. Damn. Poor woman.

@conflictedhubby0622 if you can’t do the training I think you are right to be cautious especially re the pension. But, I think there’s more to this. I get a sense that your wife is maybe feeling resentful … understandably … at not having a choice - obviously you both love your child but she was unplanned and you found out very late, so there was no choice for either of you but especially not for her. She can’t change things or turn back time so she feels out of control but she is the one who ‘lost out’ - not much has changed for you work-wise. So it is almost as though she is trying to get you to feel what she’s feeling. How WOULD you feel if you got 8-10 weeks notice your job was ending and no compensation?

I honestly don’t think moving would change your wife’s feelings - she is kind of mourning the loss of her old life and such grief takes time to come to terms with. That is not to say you and she do not love and want your child - but she has ‘lost’ her old
life. I do think you showing willing by doing a degree or something might help her feel you are ‘with her’ though, even if you never change jobs in future?

The basic problem is that your dw is a city girl and you live in a very rural location. She can't travel which kept her happy in the past.

You could retrain, get your engineering degree and move. That seems to be the only solution, as far as she is concerned. She won't compromise on having a nanny or being away from her DD. But would she be happy then? She doesn't seem to know what she wants There are no guarantees.

In the end, it sounds like you want different things. I don't see this ending well.

If this was a post where the wife was posting her husband wanted to uproot the family because he's unhappy even though it would be worse off for everyone else financially with no plans whatsoever, just that they want to live in the city , they would tell him he needs to get a grip and think of the wife and their child. There is a real double standard showing