Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

When you price up moving to different parts of the country, have you compared against the cost of a divorce where she gets half of everything (or more if she leaves with your dc)?

Because this reads as you have decided the only option is everything stays as it is and you find a way she gets used to being unhappy. You need to realise that while you are limited to this job and want to stay in this house, your wife is only limited to this if she stays being your wife.

sorry if that sounds harsh, but it does read like you’ve decided there’s no options but she has lots, they just don’t include you.

I also echo PP - you are in a very vulnerable position if you are dependent on this one employer. You aren’t qualified for this job but you have it, I would also suggest applying for other jobs (even if they say they want an engineering degree, experience may well beat that), and seeing if you can get you degree distance learning from home. Or other qualifications via your work place.

if your wife sees you are studying with the intention that in 3-4 years when your dc is ready to start school, you’ll have both qualifications and experience and can apply for jobs elsewhere where she’ll be happier and you are trying to give her the lifestyle she will be happy with, that would make the in between years a bit more tolerable- being miserable with a plan is better than being miserable with “and this is it until retirement”.

You might have to live in a smaller house, but it will be with your family. I’d take that.

So you either stay and you continue to make twice her salary and building up a great pension whilst she is forced to take a job where she can’t maximise her earnings and presumably isn’t building up a great pension pot or you move somewhere where she can build a career, become a higher earner and have a fun and interesting life and you will be forced to find other employment? I would be very resentful if I had to live in rural Indiana for the rest of my life because my husband managed to land a job he’s unqualified for and now I (the one with actual qualifications) had to give up my chance to maximise my career opportunities because of it. It’s all my way or the highway and it doesn’t even make sense. Also, nobody needs a 4K sqf house for two adults and a baby, a lot of families live quite happily on a quarter of that, so I don’t think that’s a valid argument to stay out in the sticks

This is a hard one.

Could you study for your degree in the evenings? Would your employer sponsor you to do your degree?

Could your wife sign up to be a bank travel nurse and do one short travel session a month? Or retrain to be something else that would excite her?

I have no idea if those things are possible; just thinking that they might buy you some more time/ options down the line.

I appreciate we're only getting one side of this discussion but it sounds like your wife is not exploring realistic solutions to her unhappiness. Depression can sometimes make people feel trapped and that there is no solution and no way out. Could she be depressed?

I can but I would not get the benefits I have now. Plus my employer does not pay for schooling. I am 11 years in to a 20 year pension, I have a 401k with a high match, i get 6 weeks PTO on top of 30 sick days, 6 months paid parental leave, and my hours are fairly flexible within reason. That is going to be really hard to get anywhere else

It is a possibility but she has never really liked where we live but before the baby, she would be gone several weeks at a time and then come back for a bit before leaving again. And when she was back, we were usually gone on vacation. So she really did not have to deal with being here a whole lot before either.

Free healthcare in America must equate to a lot of money.

Financially, you are better off where you are, but it's clear that your wife doesn't like it.

You also have childcare in place. Do you pay grandparents for this or is it free?

If your nearest city is 2.5 miles away, commuting isn't an option.

I think you need to work out how your wife can go back to being a travel nurse, which is what she wants.

Look at the options for childcare. What can you afford, if your wife's wages increase?

I suggest you start applying for jobs to find out if your assumptions are actually true and to show willing. Your wife needs to see something happening to get her closer to living a happy life.

Would she be happier returning to travel nursing if care of your daughter was shared between your family and yourself, not a stranger. Obviously that would be dependent if both your families were willing ?

What specifically was it about the travel nursing job that she enjoyed the most? Meeting new people, different work every day, or being on the move? Did she work at a central hub/clinic or did she move around? Are there aspects of that she could change fields in nursing but still work fairly locally and be there for her family? I don't know whether district nurses, community nurses are a role in Indiana or theres another role that might fit what shes looking for.

Her old life of freedom to go off when she wants went when she had the baby. I can understand her frustration and wistfulness about her old life, it may partly be exacerbated by the graft and dare I say it tedium of caring for a young child, but maybe in looking at what it was about her old role that she enjoyed she could find something that gave her similar reward.

Is your 401K transferable - ie, I assume you do not lose it entirely?

If you moved to a city, or near a city, would you find employers who are more flexible and people orientated - surely a power plant in Indiana cannot be the best opportunity in America? You need a bit more self-confidence. It is what you can do for an employer that counts.

Your bills might triple, but would you not find more opportunities if you moved to a city? If you invest in a house in a city, maybe you would have more capital longer term? That's the financial angle.

On a personal level it sounds like you both want different lifestyles - you rural and your wife more cosmopolitan. That may be a compromise you cannot fix.

You sound resourceful. Your wife is miserable. In your shoes I would be taking a leap of faith, but a planned one not a reckless one. I hope that if you do your wife really understands what you may be giving up for her.

But why? Specifically?

Better transport links/options? Better access to shops/museums/parks/playgrounds/nurseries? Friends of hers?

If she can be more explicit about what she feels is missing from your life in your current location, it would be easier to work out if/which workarounds there are available to your family.

This seems like a tale of town mouse and country mouse.

You want totally different things. Why did she end up living in the country if she’s a city girl?

So OP, you have decided that living in this location, with you working for this one employer, are the only options. You won’t take any steps to make yourself mobile. You aren’t prepared to move to a smaller more expensive home in an area your wife won’t be miserable and do a long commute.

You are happy and expect her to fit in.

I know this is going to sound really brutal, and I don't mean it horrible, but here goes:

Life is such, that lots and lots of people don't get to live where they would most likely to. Perhaps they can't afford it. Perhaps they are limited by work. Perhaps they need to care for elderly relatives. (This is my situation - and my partner is really not keen on this area at all, but we have little choice I feel, we have to care for my mom and dad, and he does accept this - things will be different in the future).

It's nice if you can live in an area you like. But it sounds like that just isn't possible for your wife at the moment, because of her job.

When she did the travel nursing it sounds like she was happy and the area didn't bother her? In the future, when the child is older, I am sure she will tell ready to go back to it.

I do think she just has to make do till then, and focus on the positives in her life and things she can do to make herself happier - developing hobbies and friendships perhaps as others have said.

Our of interest, is her solution that you take a massive wage cut, and you both (and baby too) take a huge hit to your standard of living, so that she can live in a city?

I do think you may as well apply for equivalent roles in the city, just on case you get lucky again. And yes, looking into getting a degree would be a good plan for you for lots of reasons.

But in the meantime, she maybe does need to count her blessings (sorry, I truly don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does) and realise that many, many worse things can happen to somebody than having to live in a perfectly nice house with the husband you love (assuming your relationship is otherwise good?) and the child you love. (Assuming she enjoys motherhood, though she did not seek it out?)

Good luck to all of you.

Sorry for my many many typos!

I agree with this. It seems crazy to give up a well paid job with benefits to move to a place with no support which is much more expensive.

Can your wife not look for a different kind of job? Her mum moved to be with her and now she wants to go elsewhere? How would her mum feel about this.

It just seems crazy to upsticks to move for a more expensive life with no support.

Also harsh @Ilovelurchers - the OPs wife only has to put up with living in a rural location that makes her miserable and means she can’t work, if she remains married to the OP. She does have options of location, it’s only the OP who doesn’t (or believes he doesn’t).

She sounds very uncompromising, doesn't want to leave your DD and won't use a nanny yet doesn't want to be SAHM, wants to live elsewhere or travel, she has to find some middle
ground.

Financially you might be better where you are but can you afford to live in the nearest city? Yes the house might be smaller and you will need to pay for childcare but can you afford it? Especially as your wife’s earning potential would increase?

From her point of view, she’s met and fallen in love with someone from small town Indiana, which isn’t what she wanted but can’t be helped. She could travel and not fee stuck in the middle of nowhere. She was on long term contraception, so not no immediate plans of getting pregnant but found at 6 months pregnant when it was too late to do anything. I’m not saying she would have made an alternate choice but she didn’t have any say at all in the matter. She obviously mows loves the baby and doesn’t want to leave her for long periods of time but it doesn’t change this wasn’t her plan. Her career has stalled while her husband is employed in a job he’s not qualified for, earning double what she does and has no plans to make himself more employable. She’s stuck in a place she doesn’t like. Her entire life has turned upside down, she’s lost her identity, her ability to travel since becoming a mother and seemingly nothing has changed for you. 2.5hrs for a commute is not the best but it is possible, even here in the UK where the roads are a lot worse than the US.

In the future, when the child is older, I am sure she will tell ready to go back to it. I am not picking that up at all.

@Kelly51 - leaving her dd would be for days, possibly weeks at a time. Not just for the day while she goes to work and then sees her dc at bedtime. That’s a very different thing to ask of a parent.

How does she think living somewhere else will work? Has she actually thought about what it means or is she just focusing on the location?

OP - would you consider looking at property in the city and commuting to work? 2.5 hour drive each way is tough, but could there be options like you staying over with local family one or two nights a week to make that less stressful?

that would seem a fair compromise- but if you are spending 5 hours a day driving, then that pretty much rules out the evening course study for a degree to make yourself more mobile/employable.

these are two compromises you could do while keeping your job and benefits. 1) move and you commute, 2) stay put, you study part time and then apply for jobs elsewhere once you’ve got more qualified.

Marriage is a team exercise.

I think you can't fix this.

Even if you move, she's not happy in herself, so it probably won't end well.