Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

We can but she is very career oriented and does not want to be SAHM or get a nanny. I have suggested those options

she does not want to leave the baby for days at a time

It sounds like having a baby has left your wife feeling lonely and isolated as she has had to give up a career where she travelled a lot. I suggest you start to work on getting a qualification which allows you to move jobs (sensible anyway) and your wife has a think about how to make the situation feel better for her. Does she want a job or would visiting a friend who lives in a city once a month help? You both need to work towards a life which is satisfying for both of you. My sister used to travel a lot for work so her husband stopped work to look after their kids. She had a very good salary and I presume it isn't an option for you as I suspect your salary is considerably higher than your wife's would be.

There are no towns within a reasonable commute of us is the issue. Plus we have looked and with housing costs, we would be paying double+ our mortgage for half the house we have now

Can you afford to take a couple of days each month to cover childcare and she take a four day break every month on a city break?

What from you are describing it makes no sense financially for you to change jobs. She does not seem willing to compromise but expects you to ?

I have. Nothing comes remotely close to what I have now.

yes. but she does not want to leave the baby and said it does not solve the issue of not wanting to live where we do

Does she want a job or just to live in a city? You've said she's career oriented. Could she register with a nursing agency and do short term emergency cover work?

"We have free childcare as family lives nearby."

Your family?

This.

Sit her down and get her to spell out exactly what she wants to do and how she would finance it.

Despite being a woman I am definitely siding with you here, she knew the score when you met, but still married you and had a child.

It's a tricky one but money and work benefits are of little value if you have a very unhappy wife and its affecting your relationship.
I would be discussing if she would like go go back to travel nursing, whilst you stay where you are with wraparound care for your child plus family support. It sounds like that would be easily affordable for you on your salary.
It's not ideal but depends how unhappy she is and whether she would be able to cope with being away from your child. I'm not sure how far away she'd have to travel, but would she be able to return on weekends for example?

Is there anything you can do to help her make her life more enjoyable where you are?
Is she meeting up with other mums?
Does she get some time to do a hobby or interest on her own while you watch the baby?
Perhaps church? (If religion is something that is of interest to her)
It feels like a social network would be really beneficial to her - it sounds like she is quite outgoing??

Could you employer pay for you to do a degree/relevant qualification, so you can transfer elsewhere longterm? I think you're asking on the wrong board btw, as this is very UK focused - in the UK, if you have about 10 years of experience that'll usually balance out any degree.

She visits her friends that live in the cities about 2 times a month- they live 4 hours away. I have suggested she could get a job in the city and stay there and come home the days she's off but she said she does not want to leave our daughter for days at a time. My salary is more than double hers and was higher than hers even when she was a travel nurse. Travel nurse pay has significantly decreased since the height of COVID and she said that in her specialty, pay is pretty low now.

Could you cope alone if she did the travel nursing again? If it makes her happier then it's a compromise but you'll need to do the harder work with your daughter in your own

She’s not offering any compromise. Doesn’t want to leave the baby, doesn’t want a local job to accommodate staying with the baby.
Because of the lack of planning before the baby was born (ie last minute surprise pregnancy) it sounds like she hasn’t had time to come to terms with how many sacrifices have to be made when having a child. Leaving your job and benefits isn’t going to change that for her - she’ll just be in a new location with less family income, higher outgoings, a smaller home, no family support and probably a stressed husband.

Can't you do an adult degree that would allow you to apply for the same job elsewhere and then she has a time frame for how long it will be before you can move out of your small town?

He reasoning makes no sense. She wants to live in a city therefore away from both your families. She doesn’t want strangers looking after the baby . How does she think that is going to work exactly? She doesn’t want a nanny either.
She is not being honest with herself about the situation you are in. They way she is playing it there is no solution to this at all.

Both. Her mom moved about 20 minutes from us a few years ago. I am from here, she is not.

I think that's a bit unfair. They had a surprise baby and it sounds like she's finding the baby years deeply tedious - many of us do. They need to find a way forward so they're both happy with their lives.

What is her solution OP? you've told us about what she doesn't want to do, leave the baby to go back to travel, live rurally, go to couples' therapy, but what's her solution? If the reality is by moving in the city you'll be significantly worse off, far from both your families and your child will end up in childcare a lot rather than with the two of you or family (which she seems to prefer) , what solution is she suggesting? Or does she not want a solution she just wants someone to hear and understand how she's feeling and how your circumstances affect her? Sometimes often men become solution focussed when what the other party wants is some empathy and support

She wants to live near the city

So how does she propose you pay the bills?

She doesn't have an issue with strangers looking after the baby, she just does not want to be away from our daughter for days at a time