Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

No, not at all, because this poor woman has no means to earn a proper salary where they are!

Nothing to do with 'happiness' and everything to do with a pre nup marriage and no earning potential in the backend of nowhere!

No one would advise them to stay regardless of sex. Thanks.

I didn't know ordinary people did pre nups?

Has anyone posting done one or heard of anyone doing one? Dh and I wouldn't dream of it.

I thought people in the US were badly off for holidays/vacation?

Really feel for the dw. Sound doomed tbh.

@Gcsunnyside23 did you miss the prenup? She's been stitched up like a kipper.

I hate this 'genders reversed' schtick. It is not the same being a man as it is being a woman. If it were, a lot of problems would not exist (plus I don't believe what you are saying is true but unprovable either way).

Fuck no! She does have a plan, she wants to have the opportunity to actually make more than him and use a degree she has worked for. He has basically trapped her both in terms of location and financially and he knows it. This is not what a nice person would do.

She does work. She makes 60-65k a year here. The average HHI is 32k here. She makes double that alone.55% is the top 1% of income here. She also maxes out her retirement. She can also retire when I do, if that is want she wants or chooses to do. she voluntarily signed the prenup which just says she doesn't get what i will inherit from my dad and uncle or half my 401k/pension. She was the one who suggested that be put in there too. I will always make sure her and my daughter are okay financially if anything were to happen. In 9 years we can move wherever she wants, but leaving now and forfeiting my pension, my 401k match would put us out millions of dollars in the future- about 2.3 million. plus factor in healthcare costs, which are astronomical in the US, we could be financially upside down

Well said @RoachFish

And Yy to it not being the same with genders reversed. She found out at 6 months gone owing to a pre-job medical. Which presumably meant she was not eligible for that job and so suddenly lost earning capacity as well as the shock of late pregnancy, Labour and birth. None of which apply to the father

Your wife is now in the position:

Of having no access to decent employment where she can save and earn a proper wage
She has limited options for a pension
It is isolated and rural and there is only one place to work
She has somehow ended up in a pre nup marriage, so won't be okay financially if things go tits up
No social life
She is miserable and unhappy for all of the reasons above with no protection at all.

Meanwhile you:

Plan to retire at 42!!! Lovely for you I am sure
Have plentiful savings, investments and pensions etc that are all yours and not shared
Total security and protection
You have the job of your dreams
You have the baby but not the commitment of childcare
You have the marriage but have not financially committed to your wife
You live in a place you like

I would be leaving you asap.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I am confused as to what she wants then.

even if you move, she doesn’t want to work as travel nurse anymore. She doesn’t want to be SAHM, she doesn’t want to take few days breaks to travel on her own… she also doesn’t want a nanny… she wants all her and your family to move to the city to provide free childcare or what? :)

if you moved to a different bigger city what would she do? Still work as a regular nurse? What about her friends and family? Is she ok to see them much less?

what exactly does she misses about big city?

could you rent out your house without selling it, rent a house in a big commutable city and try this life for a year? See whether it is worth not having free childcare and having less money left overall? Maybe it is

He isn’t stopping her. They can afford a nanny/child care and she can work- she just doesn’t want to leave the baby (which is also understandable). The other day there was a thread about a woman who was sad that the husband took a pay cut to start a new job because he was so unhappy in his previously high paid job. The man was berated for being so selfish in taking a pay cut (even though they still had quite a bit left after paying all necessities).

There has 100% been posts where there was the flip. But he needs to compromise or genuinely look into making a change for her, not writing it off. But I'm just saying she also needs to be realistic, her speciality is a travel nurse so although her wage will be higher in the city but it won't be drastic as she's not working her speciality. Maybe she could retrain? Her happiness is important but I think there are bigger issues. It's more likely the huge huge changes she's had to make for her child that are causing the jump response to feel like she has some control. But will she be happier in the city getting paid marginally more but working even longer hours and maybe even second job to pay for childcare and have less quality time all around, same goes for her husband as he will have to take a massive drop in wage to move? If she wants to make this move she needs a solid plan

I feel for her. For me location matters a lot. It defines the lifestyle you live. My bf occationally suggests we move somewhere cheaper to save money. I'll shut that down quickly cause for me location matters.

If this was reddit I'd say NAH. There really is no right answer. Is she from the bigger near by town or has she moved from further away? Would she be happy with the lesser benefits and less money as a family? Are you willing to give up retiring at 40 and instead if working longer? Have you gone through the math of all the solutions? Is she willing to go back to travel nursing when tue child is older?

I have offered for her to go to the city to work and told her I would pay for any additional living expenses and she said she no because she doesn't want to leave the baby. In 9 years, we can move to wherever she wants.

When she signed the pre nup, giving up a claim on half your pension, was this (a) pre covid and (b) with the expectation that your marriage would be child free. Thus meaning her earning capacity would be good throughout marriage.

Would you consider either scrapping or revising that pre nup to at least give her a claim on your pension?

Here in the uk, pre nuptial agreements may be taken into account as an expression of intent on divorce, but I do not believe that they are enforceable, especially if they manifestly leave one partner struggling (probably different if one is an heiress of £100m and the other an heir of £120m, say)

Are you prepared for her to go and take your child with her and you visit at weekends? Because that is what you are asking of her.

I think you need to go your separate ways.

You want totally different things.

Based on your recent posts, I see you are probably heading to a separation if not divorce. You are very financially orientated and your idea of 'making it' is different to your wife's. You want different things. You relocating to the suburbs of a big city is not going to work for you. You have your nice rural property and have made it locally. You may have decades of hunting, fishing etc in front of you and you have worked hard and fallen on your feet with a generous employer.

Time to step up. Put your daughter first and find a solution where your wife can move away and you can see your daughter at weekends / holidays. I do not think you have any other option. Your wife is dying inside and you need to let her go even if this means your daughter lives away from your home mostly. The pre-nup is there to protect you but does not prevent you from stepping up and helping your wife financially and your daughter also.

The next 9 years is a red herring. You won't live anywhere then as you have no intention of living in the sort of urban environment your wife would like to live in possibly for the rest of her life.

9 years is too big a sacrifice to make to anyones life!
These are the best years of her life right now, and the best opportunity to earn and advance her career.

What you are asking her to do is give up a decade of her life.

And whats worse you will not compromise on anything. Of course she doesn't want to leave her baby. Maybe she should take the baby with her - that is a good solution?

The suggestion is that she lives there with the baby and you visit. Not that she leaves the baby!

In indiana, any move more than 20 miles has to be approved and signed off by the other parent or the courts (usually if the parent is unfit). I would seek 50/50 custody of my daughter. I will not be a weekend dad

legally, she cannot take our daughter more than 20 miles without a sign off by me or the courts. In the states, you cannot take a child without the other parents permission

No you misunderstand - she goes and your daughter does too. She pays for childcare but gets to be with her child around work.

the option you want of her going away and leaving your child with you doesn’t work for her.

could you try for 6 months? Take a rental property in the city, you commute for work, doing a couple of nights a week at your current house (or staying at family homes if you can rent out your current house to fund the city rental).

she might find she’s not happier with that, or both of you might decide this is a better option for the next 9 years.

This is not about divorce and custody. This is about you voluntarily agreeing to it. Why are you suggesting to her being a weekend mom then if it is unacceptable to you??

So there we have it, you won't let her take her baby and start a new life.

What a ridiculous law if it is true, that you can't move a baby a mere 20 miles!!!! I think she should probably take the baby and move to the city, and you can visit at the weekends. That is the best solution here.

You are literally holding her captive.
That is what I am hearing.

Exactly @DodoTired - perfect conclusion.