Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

No not better educated. All of our female friends also have an education-they are also nurses, one is a teacher, one is an attorney, one is a local physician. I think people have this image that we live in the woods where town people have 3 teeth and can’t read. Far from it. I meant they are more focused on roots I would say than she is.

I think people are confused as to what exactly a travel nurse is in the US. It’s not necessarily a “career” in terms of Nurses aren’t trained specifically to be a travel nurse. Nursing is the career and travel nursing is just filling in short staffing where needed

How it works is, you become a nurse. Nurses in the US are not specifically trained to one area. Once they graduate nursing school, they apply for a job in an area of nursing they are interested in. Once they get a few years of experience in that area, they can pick up travel contracts only in that area of nursing. They go where hospitals are short staffed. For example, my wife works as a psychiatric nurse. When she was traveling, she could only work where there were psychiatric contracts available. Travel nurses in the US fill in the short staffing at facilities. There is also no stability with it. Hospitals can cancel a Travel nurses contract at any time, they have to duplicate all expenses l, they don’t get any benefits at all, and they can go months without a job.

During covid, travel nurses were making a lot so hundreds of thousands of nurses left their staff jobs to be a travel nurse. Now the pay is back to normal but the market is oversaturated (what she tells me). Apparently 300 nurses may apply for 1 job. She was out of work for 7 months because she wouldn’t find a contract. She finally found one and that was when she found out she was pregnant. Before that she was already working at the local hospital because she couldn’t find a job as a travel nurse

It's the same in the UK. Get qualified, get some experience, then join an agency. Placements can be short or long, but they are never permanent and work is not guaranteed. Best suited to people with freedom to travel.

The OP can retire in 9 years and will have his sizeable pension on which they can all live. At that point a move is a possibility. His wife could choose to travel again but she would be leaving their daughter for months at a t time.

@HollyKnight Yes, what it boils down to is that she isn’t happy at the local hospital, but there aren’t many options in that area. If they lived somewhere bigger, she’d have choices. She’s basically stuck.

Apologies if this isn't helpful- i'm not reading everything but wondered about a sidestep fir your wife into a different area of nursing such as schools, district , a clinical nurse specialist area or health visiting (US equivalent)? A new goal

Also I would move heaven and earth to look for a compromise between your area and the city if that isn't reachable for you. Doesn't need to be as big or fancy. I live somewhere that doesn't suit me. Its for the greater good whilst i retrain but 9years for someone else's career would ruin the relationship

If you stop working at 42, how will you afford to live? You'd be too young to draw your pension.

Anyway, just tell her to come back to you, when she has worked out how to make it work financially. She won't be able to do that.

News Flash : we don't all get what we want. You can't blow up your whole life and move to somewhere where the figures don't stack up. Unless she's happy to live in a tent and eat roadkill for dinner.

She needs to grow up.

i can draw my pension after 20 years of service regardless of my age. Started working there at 21, going on 22. Just like members of the military can draw their pension if they stay in the service for 20 years. We will also have everything paid off by that point and we have a pretty big chunk of change in other investments we can live off of as well until we can pull from our 401ks without penalty. She can also retire when I do or continue to work, whatever she wants to do.

I don't think her issue is the lack of options in that area. What she is struggling with is not having the same freedom anymore because of the baby. That isn't going to change if they move to a big city. She is still going to be "tied down" by responsibility.

She wants to travel, keep moving, not settle, but she can't live that life anymore because of the baby.

If you read through my thread, I have offered many compromises that will still allow me to keep my job while having more job opportunities for her closer to the city. She has shot them all down for one reason or another. I have mentioned maybe going back to school to be a nurse practitioner and she has said she has no desire to go that route

Hey Op, I have been flowing your thread and I feel so sorry for you and your wife.

It’s a tough one for both of you. But, can I offer you a perspective from my story and experience?

I used to live in a big, vibrant city and never thought I would leave. When I met my DP, we agreed to move to the suburbs for space and better quality of life for prospective children. We moved as soon as we had our child. I had no social connection and community or family around me. It was so tough. I missed my city life. I had low levels of PND. I felt isolated and that our new house and life was a builder trap. I wanted to go back. I can’t describe to you what being a new mum does to your body and mind. It’s the toughest thing I have ever done. I felt like I lost my self, identity, sense of direction. At times I felt like my true self was locked away in my head and I couldn’t reach her.

I sought help briefly, and that was enough to help me start to recover. But it took me nearly two years after the birth of our child to start feeling like my self again. I am still in the journey. But recently, I have started to feel like I recognise my voice, found my joy back. The happiness my child brings me is nothing I can compare to. Life is tough! Full time work, extortionate childcare and mortgage, toddler. But I have found my peace.

How I got here mainly is because of two things: 1) a partner who was extremely patient, had the open mindedness to educate himself on what was happening to me and how I was feeling from books, podcast and speaking to women who’ve been through it 2) my female friends, whom I had the good sense to be vulnerable with, which in return allowed them to be vulnerable with me. We found a way to support each other and it’s really been a lifeline. By the way, these fronds are mostly women I met in prenatal classes in the new place.

So please understand that it’s not about the logical and monetary pros and cons for your wife. She is unwell and unhappy because she’s struggling with her new life. She has changed fundamentally and she wasn’t expecting it.
My husbands resolute patience and hiding the space for what’s best for our family, I don’t think I would ever be able to thank enough for it. Try to do the same for your wife, if you want your marriage to survive. She will come through this. Show her your are a solid partner who cares about her well ig now not just in the future.

Thanks for replying, as I say, apologies for not reading the whole thread but there's 21 pages after all (I did read quite a few of yours). In that case, I wouldn't keep offering yourself up to be shot down.

Perhaps you could say ' ok, so you don't want to retrain, leave the baby, etc etc etc. Jane, I am more than happy to have a conversation about our future/your career but I need you to provide some input, not just shoot down every suggestion and leave you feeling like a captive. We need to work something out together. Alternatively, if you just want to talk and work out the last few years from unexpected baby to now, that's fine, but please can we make clear that's all it is and youre not looking to me for solutions'.

It could well be that's she's fully aware the travel nursing phase of her career is over (for now) and she is trying to find a fit with rural hospital nursing and motherhood and there is a lot of questioning herself and her decisions.

I don't mean shut her down. But I do mean encourage discussion without feeling obliged to think of solutions all the time.

Sorry for the typos!!

But every single one of your compromises ends with 'but...', we can do it 'but we sacrifice this or that', she could do it 'but it would take her away from her daughter'- you are not supportive at all, because it is you who shoot down all of her choices showing how they are not really good and expect her to put her life for 10 years on hold so that you can accomodate wealth. Of course she cant make any of the choices you describe you give her because she knows you will not really approve and you will ne FINANCIALLY worse off, which you underlined so many times. Screw her mental health, right, as long as you get all that you want from life.

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue

But every single one of your compromises ends with 'but...', we can do it 'but we sacrifice this or that', she could do it 'but it would take her away from her daughter'- you are not supportive at all, because it is you who shoot down all of her choices showing how they are not really good and expect her to put her life for 10 years on hold so that you can accomodate wealth. Of course she cant make any of the choices you describe you give her because she knows you will not really approve and you will ne FINANCIALLY worse off, which you underlined so many times. Screw her mental health, right, as long as you get all that you want from life.
You appear not to have read all the updates.

The wife has come back and admitted the only thing that would make her happy is to be a travelling nurse again. But she knows she can't with their child as it is nomadic, would remove the child from their father and extended family, would mean a series of unknown babysitters and cost too much

She also won't seek therapy or see a counsellor either or without the OP

The issue really is not the OP.

So I've read this whole thread out of interest and I feel many don't realise how different the US is.

It does seem like the wife is pining for the life she had prior to childbirth and could definitely use some emotional support and counselling.

I know a lot seem to think "screw the finances" without realising how the extra stress and expenses could put them all in a horrible situation.

6 weeks PTO is pretty much unheard of. And even for childcare/Dad duties. Leaving and starting a new job would destroy that. He'd have to start right back at the bottom and "earn" the PTO again.
My DP currently gets 5 days PTO (international company big in the UK) and it will increase to 10 days after 2 years working for them.

I know Indiana well and am in the process of relocating out there. House wise it is crazy how it can shift dependant on where they are.

OP stated the current mortgage is $400 a month. Nowhere will he get one that low anymore. For $1500/1600 per month on a mortgage will get you a 1-2 bed condo in Indy. That doesn't include property tax and HOA rates either.
For the next nearest city, Lafayette, $1500-1600 per month would get anywhere between 600-1200 sq ft 2/3 bed house dependant on location and how much work is needed/decoration.

OP, apologies if I missed it. City wise is your wife just set on Indy? Or would other cities still be good?
For example would a mid-point where you could both commute? Somewhere around Crawfordsville/Veedersburg. You could commute to your job and she'd be able to commute into Lafayette.
And that area would still allow the opportunity to find a decent size house with a bit of land and not overly expensive.

I have suggested we move somewhere in between and she has said no because it would still not be the big city. Last night I told her we could get an apartment in the city and I could stay with my dad while I worked and she said no that wouldn’t work because I would never see our daughter. I’ve made numerous suggestions to try and compromise and she has said no for all of them

Then tell her if she wants to go then she can but you're staying put. It's time to bring it to a head.

I agree. She’s being totally unreasonable.

I wouldn’t offer up any more solutions, OP. She clearly needs to work this out for herself and I hope she does decide to see a counselor to talk it through.