I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

If you aren't happy then you can leave for whatever reason you see fit.

I find it so difficult as i am so worried that she will be angry and say i wasted her time etc... and i am aware this is wasting time too but i am a people pleaser and always have i don't know how to approach breaking up with her when it could be seemingly out of the blue to her...😪

The resentment will build, so you'd be wasting her time if you stayed in the relationship. It also sounds like a nightmare. So yes, I'd end it.

Definitely end it. Move out. Live on your own or with family

Don't waste any more of YOUR time

It's not out of the blue though, is it?

Pets are a commitment, and no consultation will have consequences, as well incurring debt.

I agree with PP, this will just build, so you're better off out of it.

Telling her is like pulling off a plaster. Do it quickly, stick to your guns. It's done!

The relief will be immense

You're all so kind thank you so much! I do love her sense of taking care of me and being there for me at times... i feel like she would love me even if i was at my lowest ebb which is rare at my age for people to find however i see so much being let down also... i feel like upset that i have to make this decision but i think I'm in denial.

There is no way of breaking up with someone without them being upset and annoyed at you at first.

I think the denial inside me keeps thinking "will you find somone who loves you unconditionally and always has your back, takes care of you when your ill etc" i know a relationship isn't about all these things but i feel these are big for me as person and if i leave i will lose that too. My family are very distant to say the least and since moving to this area over 5 years ago i have nobody here as close friends just general friends.

Resentment will build unless you express that you are happy about things she has done/ decisions made. Have you done that?

Breaking up with someone is never easy

Imagine you're still with her in 10 years time 😱😱😱😳😳😳

There you go! Awful thought isn't it?

Start living your life for you !

The hard lesson for people pleasers to learn and live with is understanding that you are not responsible for other peoples emotions. If the relationship isn’t working for you, end it. You will need to sit with the discomfort of this - this is why therapy can be so helpful. You cannot go through life managing situations to manipulate the emotions and feelings of others - you are adults, allow her the agency to manage her own stuff.

ps if you are not aligned with values around money, and cannot discuss like adults then that is a real issue imho

Yeah you're definitely right! Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate it i needed to hear this even at my age! Its my first ever relationship therfore my first ever breakup

Thank you so much! My therapy has taught me this so much over the time and i have made strides in certain areas of my life of doing more of my interests etc but i have been stuck on this for so long.

The first one is always the hardest to end. As you have no other history. You think you'll never love another but you will.

End it and leave her with her mum. She can rack up all the debt she likes then

Unconditional love is never a thing for romantic relationships. We all have our line. Waiting for it is stupid.

Any relationship that puts you in therapy, isn't worth it IMO.

The only unconditional love that should exist is for young children.

One you're an adult you can't expect to be loved no matter how you behave.

Don’t ever pay off the debt of someone you aren’t married to again! Even someone you are married to unless absolutely necessary.

I have done that and we have argued many times about it and she has apologised, my problem is that we can't return the pets she brought therfore i have to be part of their lives if we are together and that can't be changed... i also feel like i will never achieve my goal that previous to the relationship i saved my deposit for a property but now with her debt that won't happen for at least another year bearing in mind i am living with her mum and her at all this time...

That maybe true but being as i wanted this to work so much i have tried... it has also made me a slightly better person anyway because of trying to avoid this people pleasing mentality amongst other things in my life.

I think you've given this a really good go. You've discussed with her, you've supported her and tried to work through her disrespect (of you and of you being a team), you've had therapy and now you've put up with living with her mum while she makes it harder and harder for you to get on the property ladder. You have done everything you can and you are not happy. It's ok to admit that something isn't working. It doesn't mean you or her are a bad person, and it's ok to be upset and conflicted about it because even if you don't want to be with her you'll mourn the relationship. But it sounds like the right decision to end this. She'll be mad and upset and pull on your heartstrings because she's a human, and that's also ok. Just stay strong. You'll both be fine.

Thank you for your kind words! I really appreciate you putting it into perspective! Do you have any ideas how i can bring up this conversation? I feel like i can't even imagine how to confront this issue with a simple we need to talk etc i don't really know what to say. I have a idea of getting a room to rent for the time being so i don't have to stay here after but its so difficult! I feel so immature about this aswell

That's what I would do first - get the room to rent

as if I were the mother there is no way on this earth you would still be staying in my home after the break up. as obiv my priority would be my daughter and not you.

so there is a saying ' get all your ducks in a row '

thus get your money sorted, get the room or wherever sorted then break up.

I am confused tho re the cats - you say she brought them with her - did you not know she had cats ?

did you both live somewhere else before living at her mum's home ?

and you refer to being unable to return the cats she brought - what do you mean ?

do you mean bought and not brought ?

any decent animal rescue will accept the cats back if they were adopted thru a rescue but if they were ' bought ' then no a lot of sellers won't have them back.

of course cats can be rehomed thru rescues - but I reckon she won't want to do that.

So we was together at the time i was living here and then one day she brought one of the cats back i was so mad inside but i bottled it up then she brought a further 2 more, from my own immaturity i didn't confront this issue until a year or 2 later i know i am to blame for this and should have there and then refused etc. Since then we would get into arguments every 6 months or so and me finally revealing how i feel about the pets she brought while was together but didn't ever tell me she was going to but them (she did always love animals but i assumed our first priority would be get our own place and also for children etc before prioritising pets first i feel this then took away our free time and money as taking care of 3 cats is a pretty big drain on her finances and i have been reluctant to helo being as i feel i didnt cause this) she will never rehome them as she loves them so much etc i have explained the situation of how i was a second thought and how its hampered our growth etc which she has apologised but then after found out she owed more debt than i knew about again she has apologised and has told me shes working on paying it off and she could use my help if possible that would speed up our process of moving out.