I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

I take it you're both in your late twenties?

How much debt does she have now - and how did she mount it up?

Gambling? This will get worse.

Compulsive buying? This will get worse.

Buying three cats with all the expense, vets bills, insurance etc? Incredibly irresponsible. And the irresponsibility and self centredness will get worse.

You are not responsible for her debt.

She is.

You're basically a handy cash machine to her and her mother, and it reads like there's some emotional blackmail in play.

Anyone can be nice and cuddly and caring when it gets them what they want. It's a mask.

You say you're worried how she'll react. So you know what she's like when the mask drops. Are you afraid of her?

I think the best thing you can do is find a place of your own. And for god's sake if you're a bloke be careful with contraception. An oopsie pregnancy to trap you is not heard of.

Thank you Janice i understand i need to find a way to navigate this situation of the breakup conversation i find it difficult when things seemingly okay to just come out of the blue and break up but i guess thats better than in the middle of an argument? This is my first relationship

I'm afraid of her in a sense of her going crazy at me and also then her mum joining in, i have no personal support here so therefore it would be me vs them while packing my stuff etc... i know that if i can get out it will a huge relief even though i know i will miss some aspects of the relationship.

You're are definitely right thanks for your straight to the point response i appreciate it 🙏

Is there anyone who will come with you? A colleague, neighbour, friend from a hobby, gym, etc? Someone who can be there to help you pack and carry?

You should - pack up your stuff when she's out and put it in your car, then ask to meet her on neutral grounds eg a park and tell her face to face that you're moving out and breaking up.

Or if you're cowardly or scared that she might damage your property, tell her you're moving out first and move your stuff out then tell her you're broken up.

How she reacts isn't your problem it's hers.

Ps don't justify the break up to her by saying all the things wrong with her. Just say you're not happy and it's not working out for you.

How much stuff do you actually have, is it all in the bedroom i.e. clothes or spread around the house ?
how long would it actually take to pack ?

do either of them go to work / out to the Gym / weekly supermarket shop ?

you need to find somewhere first, do you ever go out the house on your own - as you need to find time alone for these viewings on Spareroom or wherever you end up

so you need to find somewhere, sort the money - incase they want a deposit/1st week in advance, get the key/s

then tell her the relationship is no longer working and it's best for the two of you to break up and that you have found somewhere to live and that you are leaving now after quickly packing

Why are you frightened of them?
Will they assault you?

If they threaten you with physical violence, call the police.

If you are afraid of the leaving moment:

Sort your new place. Somewhere to go.

Pack what you need - you won't NEED everything in the house. Maybe take your essentials / valuables in to work day by day. Passport, financial records, medication, jewellery, laptop etc.

Move in.

Tell her you have left because you are not happy and don't see a future in this relationship and wish her all the best. No criticising her or her mother.

Arrange to collect anything non essential you've left and go with a friend. Accept she may have binned them.

Thanks all for your messages and words of encouragement. I have place that have have my deposit paid for and also have my first month's rent so i am able to move out when the room is vacant which is one month. Thank you for reaffirming that I'm not responsible for how she will react etc thats such a difficult thing for me to handle because i hate making anyone upset etc but i do know that I've lived with this feeling for a long time and its not gone away so i know this is my only option.

Thanks so much again all of you

Well done for getting your ducks in a row. You’re nearly there!

Is it a valid reason to break up?

Yes it is.

Why are you paying her debts? They are her debts, not yours, and it appears that the only reason you are giving her this money is so that the two of you will eventually be able to find a place together. With the cats. Which you don't want. It seems to me that at the moment, she is calling all the shots here, and wants you to stay so she can carry on using your money as well as her own.

This is never going to make you happy is it, so my advice would be to find somewhere else to live.

Well done, OP. You're not responsible for her feelings or her finances. She sounds quite immature and it may help her grow up a bit to have to be responsible. Your relationship might continue through this change of circumstances - but it will finally be on YOUR terms.

I disagree.
Long term relationships can lead us to learn more about ourselves and how we operate within relationships... Sometimes we do well, sometimes we struggle. Therapy can be useful for seeing our role in relationship challenges. Rarely is one partner the only one who contributes to challenges.

Yeah the only reason I'm paying is to help us move out faster being as i find it difficult living here anyway... thanks for clarifying its difficult for myself feeling like it isn't a good enough reason to leave etc I've battled a long time thinking "have i done enough"

Thank you, yeah i feel so too like i am left with alot of the houseworks to do i love a clean tidy place and always in a constant battle with moving clutter... i feel this is because she wasn't taught to clean etc. Thanks so much! I hope i can break through the break up conversation 🙏

She's really taking the piss. Yes you will miss the little things but you won't miss being railroaded and manipulated into decisions for the rest of your life. Go live your life op! Start decluttering your things until it's time to make the break and go so it'll be easy to pack up as you won't be wanted there when you have the conversation. If anything I would pack while she's out and start moving stuff

Good luck with the new place, OP.

It'll be lovely for you to have your own space, nice and tidy, and no arguing or bills or debts to worry about.

Well done on taking the plunge.

It does seem like her mother is a big part of the problem. Does she infantalise her daughter? Getting away from her will be beneficial for you

Good that you have a room sorted out now.

Keep as busy as possible and hopefully the month will fly past. Get things as organised as you can. If possible I'd move stuff out as soon as the room is ready. Then have the conversation that you are breaking up and do it somewhere neutral like a coffee shop.

Break-ups are hard, but this is part and parcel of learning where your boundaries are, and what good looks like for a future relationship.

And in terms of how it goes -

I'm not happy and our relationship is not working for me so I want to split up. I have sorted out my own place to live and I'm going to head back there now.

It doesn't need to be a long conversation and you don't have to explain or justify why you aren't happy and why you want to leave. You can get up and walk away at any point. You don't have to argue or defend yourself - you can simply say your piece and walk away.

Unfortunately your kind nature has been used here.
So pleased to read of your bravery to find a room.

It sounds as if you have been very stuck for a long time.

Before you leave, this would be an excellent time to do a clear out.

Get rid of old clothes and stuff you don't need.

So when you are leaving packing up will be easier for you.

Gather together any important paperwork or documents. Could you leave them in a locker at work so they are safe, before you tell her.

Getting organised before you leave, having gone through your belongings, will really help you move quicker, more efficiently.

Best not to be dragged into a long breakup conversation.

Keeping it simple to "this is just not working for me, it hasn't been for a long time, no one is to blame, just best that I move out now".

Keep practicing that, nice and simple so that you know it off by heart and can stick to it.

Hopefully you will be able to start saving, looking to your future, improving your job prospects, qualifications and move forward in your life.

Thanks again everyone for your help, advice and giving me the confidence to do this! I have a slight problem that my girlfriend never goes out really shes in all the time apart from work our lives are so entwined that the only time I'm alone is when i go to our bedroom to watch tv but she'd for sure notice my clothes going missing. I have hundreds of pounds worth of tools, jetwash etc i would have to return for these things at some point as while i wait for the room she could pretty much kick me out if she knows its over... her mum also is always home she doesn't work as shes classed as disabled

Tricky. How are you planning to move your things to the new place?