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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

263 replies

LuckyPinkFish · 06/07/2024 20:42

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 07/07/2024 13:10

shes working on paying it off and she could use my help if possible that would speed up our process of moving out

She is a manipulative, gaslighting b*tch

Please leave her now

And restart your life away from her toxicity

Springadorable · 07/07/2024 13:19

Yep as above, find a room first. A house share could be a good option as you'll have people around you and it will be much cheaper than your own place. Once you have the keys then you can talk to her about it.

There's not a magic way to tell someone the relationship is over. In a way though this helps as it means you can't get it too wrong - she's not going to like the news however you dress it up. I would already have a bag packed so you can walk straight out after and give you both some space. All you can say really is that you just don't think the relationship is working and that you're not happy any more. You feel you are wanting different things and her priority is the cats rather than moving forward with a life with you. Try to avoid being talked into trying again...you know that it's not working.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2024 15:19

' So we was together at the time i was living here and then one day she brought one of the cats back '

I still don't get it - where was ' living here ' ? her mums ?

' brought one of the cats back ' from where ?
where did these cats appear from ?

whose cats were they before ?

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 15:22

But where did she bring the cats from?
They must have been with her to start with?

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 07/07/2024 15:38

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 15:22

But where did she bring the cats from?
They must have been with her to start with?

Okay sorry for the confusion everyone. So i was living with my girlfriend and her mum. She went to a breeder and brought the cats

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2024 15:40

brought or ... bought ? !!!

Springadorable · 07/07/2024 15:49

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2024 15:40

brought or ... bought ? !!!

Think it's clear the OP means the gf bought and then brought the cats back. I don't think you need to get hung up on this.

ZoomDoomZoom · 07/07/2024 15:50

Move out and leave her with her equally manipulative, freeloading mother and cats.

Move back in with your parents to prevent her from moving into your own flat. Delay getting your own place for a while until you have learnt to put boundaries in place. You're in a coercive controlling relationship so need to work on yourself esteem.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2024 16:04

So you have always lived with your girlfriend in her Mum's home i.e. you moved in with her and her mother.

Did mum know that her daughter / your girlfriend was getting a cat ?
after all it is her house/home.

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 16:10

LuckyPinkFish · 07/07/2024 15:38

Okay sorry for the confusion everyone. So i was living with my girlfriend and her mum. She went to a breeder and brought the cats

Show quote history

Bought, surely?

Danceinthenight · 07/07/2024 16:15

Breakups are usually a “cop out”. Life is never easy and no one is perfect. Just enjoy each other and your lives if you still love her. The point of a relationship is to be together through everything. Everyone breaks up too easily these days

ElmTree22 · 07/07/2024 16:42

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 15:22

But where did she bring the cats from?
They must have been with her to start with?

Stop derailing!

Hillrunning · 07/07/2024 17:12

You aren't well suited. Find yourself a room to rent, tell her you have decided that you don't want to be with her and move out. It will be hard and sad at first but in time you will feel fine.

TheOldestOfSpeckledHens · 07/07/2024 17:17

Danceinthenight · 07/07/2024 16:15

Breakups are usually a “cop out”. Life is never easy and no one is perfect. Just enjoy each other and your lives if you still love her. The point of a relationship is to be together through everything. Everyone breaks up too easily these days

Well yes, when someone makes it clear they are not a good partner or behaves in ways which negatively impact on the other person, that person is entitled to extricate themselves from the relationship.

A relationship is a commitment but everyone only.gets one life and no one should be making that commitment to someone who makes their life miserable.

Nor paying off someone else's debts.

Danceinthenight · 07/07/2024 17:25

TheOldestOfSpeckledHens · 07/07/2024 17:17

Well yes, when someone makes it clear they are not a good partner or behaves in ways which negatively impact on the other person, that person is entitled to extricate themselves from the relationship.

A relationship is a commitment but everyone only.gets one life and no one should be making that commitment to someone who makes their life miserable.

Nor paying off someone else's debts.

Show quote history

God forbid the next girlfriends you get have any mental health issues or are blamed for making you miserable

Beeinalily · 07/07/2024 17:31

Unless I've missed it OP, you haven't at any point said that you love her.

TheOldestOfSpeckledHens · 07/07/2024 17:34

Danceinthenight · 07/07/2024 17:25

God forbid the next girlfriends you get have any mental health issues or are blamed for making you miserable

Edited
Show quote history

What a ridiculous comment.

No one owes anyone a relationship. No one is obliged to stay in a relationship with anyone who makes them miserable!

If that is a choice you have made for your own life then that is up to you.

No one is perfect and people go through tough times and support each other but the OP is clearly unhappy, is living in less than ideal circumstances with someone who doesn't consider or respect them. Their opportunity to improve their living situation has been negatively impacted by their girlfriend's choices.

They are unhappy. The OP has one life. Maybe there is someone out there with whom they will be more compatible. Maybe there won't be and they'll live alone but better alone than badly accompanied.

Trainedparrot · 07/07/2024 17:40

It is possible to be in a relationship and live apart, I don’t understand why it has to be an all or nothing decision. Just rent somewhere nearby if you want to continue seeing her regularly. She will still then be close enough to care for you in your times of need and vice versa.

This can be an interim testing of the waters while you decide what to do in the long term.

Make a long list of pros and cons covering everything you possibly can, then take your time making the decision.

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 07/07/2024 18:08

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2024 16:04

So you have always lived with your girlfriend in her Mum's home i.e. you moved in with her and her mother.

Did mum know that her daughter / your girlfriend was getting a cat ?
after all it is her house/home.

Yes as it turned out they had decided together... and that really hurt the most that it was her mum even with her life experience didn't say anything either it was like they was the couple and i was the third wheel...

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 07/07/2024 18:10

TheOldestOfSpeckledHens · 07/07/2024 17:34

What a ridiculous comment.

No one owes anyone a relationship. No one is obliged to stay in a relationship with anyone who makes them miserable!

If that is a choice you have made for your own life then that is up to you.

No one is perfect and people go through tough times and support each other but the OP is clearly unhappy, is living in less than ideal circumstances with someone who doesn't consider or respect them. Their opportunity to improve their living situation has been negatively impacted by their girlfriend's choices.

They are unhappy. The OP has one life. Maybe there is someone out there with whom they will be more compatible. Maybe there won't be and they'll live alone but better alone than badly accompanied.

Show quote history

Thank you so much! I appreciate it massively. I'm glad that people can see it from my side too at least 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 07/07/2024 18:12

Trainedparrot · 07/07/2024 17:40

It is possible to be in a relationship and live apart, I don’t understand why it has to be an all or nothing decision. Just rent somewhere nearby if you want to continue seeing her regularly. She will still then be close enough to care for you in your times of need and vice versa.

This can be an interim testing of the waters while you decide what to do in the long term.

Make a long list of pros and cons covering everything you possibly can, then take your time making the decision.

I have mentioned this previously but she made fun of the idea of me possibly renting a room (thats all i can afford at present) and she said that we wouldn't be together and live separately

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 07/07/2024 18:14

ZoomDoomZoom · 07/07/2024 15:50

Move out and leave her with her equally manipulative, freeloading mother and cats.

Move back in with your parents to prevent her from moving into your own flat. Delay getting your own place for a while until you have learnt to put boundaries in place. You're in a coercive controlling relationship so need to work on yourself esteem.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

Thank you for the guides. Unfortunately moving back to my parents won't be an option i will have to find a room to rent it seems.

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 07/07/2024 18:23

@LuckyPinkFish Go on Spareroom.com. Loads of options on there long/short term.

PaminaMozart · 07/07/2024 18:30
  1. Find a room to rent.
  2. Discretely start packing your stuff.
  3. Tell her you are leaving. No need for long discussions or soul baring - if she has any emotional intelligence she won't be totally surprised
  4. Don't take on any guilt - these things happen and you tried your best.
  5. Find a new therapist who can help you kick the people pleasing habit and explore what you really want your life to be like.
  6. Think about what you would like your life (including your career!) and your true self to be like - and take steps to make it happen.
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/07/2024 19:15

So one day when your soon to be x girlfriend moves out of her mother's home either into a place of her own or in with a boyfriend - do you think the cats will go with her ?

or do you think the cats will stay at her mother's home ?