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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

263 replies

LuckyPinkFish · 06/07/2024 20:42

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 12/09/2024 15:30

LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 06:21

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience of this situation. I think my problem at times is i can't help but feel like some of the things shes does i feel that "love" but i guess from the outside it isn't love it's all in my own head where i think this js the best relationship I'm ever going to get and this confuses me, at times when i think of breaking i feel so sad inside that i think "i don't really know if i want to break up" its so strange to explain and i know how frustrating this must be for all of you who have have me your advice and help honestly i don't want you all to think I'm not appreciative of it because i really am.

Show quote history

I felt love for my XP and he for me, we both felt we were soulmates. We enjoyed each others company and shared confidences. It was like we continually found all we searched for in each other when we came back together, it was amazing. We were compatible in all but one thing, we just had this one hurdle to get over, and that we only needed time to heal it. It was very heady and intoxicating for us both and it is how we both ended up in this terrible cycle of abuse of each other.

It broke my heart to say I can't do this anymore, it doesn't make me happy. It broke my heart to see the pain it caused him but I was doing the best for us both. Looking back now I know it was not love, it was a game of possession but it was so very addictive at the time.

XP married the next woman to come along, and I understand through his friend I saw some years after our split they have made it work for them so I'm really happy for them both. I'm happy for me as well, life is so much more fun and relaxed.

You will find other relationships, some great some bad, perhaps even with your DP once you shake up that comfortable pile of cushions she had embedded herself in so much she has forgotten to see you as a person. DP may have threatened you with a split but you don't know that when actually faced with your moving out that she will keep to that threat. Why stay with someone who threatens you anyway?

You don't have to leave the house if you don't want to, I'm not going to judge you for any decision you make. I would want you to understand though that it will never be any better and will most likely become worse, you will always be resentful and unhappy there. The situation continuing will make you ill at some point, it probably already is causing you damage mentally and physically. Unlike women, men often don't have the social network to release the tensions in the same way women have developed, it causes men so much harm. If you can live with that, then fair play to you for volunteering for forlorn hope, but do please consider yourself first because no one else in your situation is considering you and your happiness.

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 15:56

MarkingBad · 12/09/2024 15:30

I felt love for my XP and he for me, we both felt we were soulmates. We enjoyed each others company and shared confidences. It was like we continually found all we searched for in each other when we came back together, it was amazing. We were compatible in all but one thing, we just had this one hurdle to get over, and that we only needed time to heal it. It was very heady and intoxicating for us both and it is how we both ended up in this terrible cycle of abuse of each other.

It broke my heart to say I can't do this anymore, it doesn't make me happy. It broke my heart to see the pain it caused him but I was doing the best for us both. Looking back now I know it was not love, it was a game of possession but it was so very addictive at the time.

XP married the next woman to come along, and I understand through his friend I saw some years after our split they have made it work for them so I'm really happy for them both. I'm happy for me as well, life is so much more fun and relaxed.

You will find other relationships, some great some bad, perhaps even with your DP once you shake up that comfortable pile of cushions she had embedded herself in so much she has forgotten to see you as a person. DP may have threatened you with a split but you don't know that when actually faced with your moving out that she will keep to that threat. Why stay with someone who threatens you anyway?

You don't have to leave the house if you don't want to, I'm not going to judge you for any decision you make. I would want you to understand though that it will never be any better and will most likely become worse, you will always be resentful and unhappy there. The situation continuing will make you ill at some point, it probably already is causing you damage mentally and physically. Unlike women, men often don't have the social network to release the tensions in the same way women have developed, it causes men so much harm. If you can live with that, then fair play to you for volunteering for forlorn hope, but do please consider yourself first because no one else in your situation is considering you and your happiness.

Show quote history

Thanks so much! Yeah i don't have any friends i can discuss this with at all so i just sit with these thoughts continuously. Do you really think things will get worse and never better? I have suffered with low mood in the past but that kind of cleared. I hear what you are saying and i don't want you to think I'm not just really struggling to get over the line

OP posts:
CharlotteLightandDark · 12/09/2024 16:28

LuckyPinkFish · 11/09/2024 14:03

I'm paying £500 per month towards her debts

Show quote history

I cannot fathom why anyone would do this!! It’s absolutely wild.

MarkingBad · 12/09/2024 16:34

LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 15:56

Thanks so much! Yeah i don't have any friends i can discuss this with at all so i just sit with these thoughts continuously. Do you really think things will get worse and never better? I have suffered with low mood in the past but that kind of cleared. I hear what you are saying and i don't want you to think I'm not just really struggling to get over the line

Show quote history

I hear you, as I said I knew in year one it wasn't viable but I so very much wanted it to work.

It will get worse, your resentment will grow, you will feel more trapped while DP is still leading a comfortable life she won't even consider changing. What the PP and I can see is that you are slowly being suffocated because you want to be the nice guy. Perfectly natural reaction to trying to please DP but you already know deep down it isn't working for you, that's why you have asked for help here.

That you cannot see it happening to you just yet is very common, especially as you are working within the relationship but not upon the relationship. Like businesses LTR need planning, strategy and shared goals to succeed. You don't have any from what you have told us you are both just winging it and it never works out well. If you and DP are to stay together, grow together, and find happiness together you need to work upon your relationship so you are happy within your relationship. DP is already happy, she has all she wants and is happy to stagnate, you do not have all you want, your needs and priorities are not considered important. HTH I know but that's the honest truth of it.

The first step of that is finding some headspace to make it work if you want it to work. You need out of the unhappy situation and into a place you can breathe and think straight which you can't do at DPs mums house. If you don't burst that comfort bubble DP is living in, DP has no reason to change and grow.

Then you and DP can work on your relationship, give each other time and space to miss each other and to re-evaluate your priorities. If they are still mismatched then they will not align so break it off for both your sakes. If priorities do match then try again but with your own space and your own time to just be yourselves so you can be the best partner you can be to the person you love.

Bit of a trite quote but has truth to it, this is attributed to Albert Einstein but it is relevant for you and your situation

'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'

Make a change, you might be pleasantly surprised or at least much better off than you are now. Something has to change though, just hoping won't make it happen.

TheShellBeach · 12/09/2024 16:37

CharlotteLightandDark · 12/09/2024 16:28

I cannot fathom why anyone would do this!! It’s absolutely wild.

Show quote history

He's also paying £600 a month for a place he doesn't want to move into, and £400 to the girlfriend's mum for his keep at their place.
Unbelievable.

You must earn a lot of money @LuckyPinkFish to waste so much of it.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2024 17:37

Look at your thread title - I feel resentment every day

This is not going to go away. It's been 3 years since she got those cats. You were 25 years old.

Just tell her that now you are 28, you want to be independent so you're moving out.

Re this: When i have had difficulties before her mums attitudes towards things etc I've explained in the past that i thought it would be better if i didn't live there anymore and got my own place but then she would say "if you can leave without me why can't you leave with me..."

Your answer to this is "Where would the cats live?" and she would see the burden of responsibility lies with her.

Move out on your own. Leave her with the cats and stop paying off her debts. Put the money into your own savings account instead for your own future, with or without her.

Please don't be a fool. You will regret this so much when you are older and wiser. This is the advice I would give my own son. You don't owe her anything. You can continue a relationship with her if you want but it needs to be on terms that you are both comfortable with, where she is not taking advantage of you financially and where you are honest with her about your needs.

It doesn't have to be over but it does have to change. And only you can make that change.

LaughingElderberry · 12/09/2024 17:40

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2024 17:37

Look at your thread title - I feel resentment every day

This is not going to go away. It's been 3 years since she got those cats. You were 25 years old.

Just tell her that now you are 28, you want to be independent so you're moving out.

Re this: When i have had difficulties before her mums attitudes towards things etc I've explained in the past that i thought it would be better if i didn't live there anymore and got my own place but then she would say "if you can leave without me why can't you leave with me..."

Your answer to this is "Where would the cats live?" and she would see the burden of responsibility lies with her.

Move out on your own. Leave her with the cats and stop paying off her debts. Put the money into your own savings account instead for your own future, with or without her.

Please don't be a fool. You will regret this so much when you are older and wiser. This is the advice I would give my own son. You don't owe her anything. You can continue a relationship with her if you want but it needs to be on terms that you are both comfortable with, where she is not taking advantage of you financially and where you are honest with her about your needs.

It doesn't have to be over but it does have to change. And only you can make that change.

This is very wise counsel.

OP you have one precious life. Don't waste it by sitting watching the months roll by whilst you're unhappy.

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 20:17

LaughingElderberry · 12/09/2024 17:40

This is very wise counsel.

OP you have one precious life. Don't waste it by sitting watching the months roll by whilst you're unhappy.

Show quote history

Thank you, I'm going to try again to sort myself out to get past this issue everyone says the same thing but for me its ridiculous where other people can see if things work out and then if not end it i seem to forever look for anything that's good to overlook the bad

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 20:19

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2024 17:37

Look at your thread title - I feel resentment every day

This is not going to go away. It's been 3 years since she got those cats. You were 25 years old.

Just tell her that now you are 28, you want to be independent so you're moving out.

Re this: When i have had difficulties before her mums attitudes towards things etc I've explained in the past that i thought it would be better if i didn't live there anymore and got my own place but then she would say "if you can leave without me why can't you leave with me..."

Your answer to this is "Where would the cats live?" and she would see the burden of responsibility lies with her.

Move out on your own. Leave her with the cats and stop paying off her debts. Put the money into your own savings account instead for your own future, with or without her.

Please don't be a fool. You will regret this so much when you are older and wiser. This is the advice I would give my own son. You don't owe her anything. You can continue a relationship with her if you want but it needs to be on terms that you are both comfortable with, where she is not taking advantage of you financially and where you are honest with her about your needs.

It doesn't have to be over but it does have to change. And only you can make that change.

I know everything you say is so true... the perfect time is never going to come that i keep waiting for

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/09/2024 20:29

If I were the girlfriend's mother, I would be so upset if I thought / found out that you were only staying with your girlfriend ( whom you have resentment towards ) because you are lonely and worry that no one else may love you in the future.

No matter what you think about the cats, it's time to move on.

you are paying good money for your new rental - move into it.

you need to set each other free...

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 20:44

MarkingBad · 12/09/2024 16:34

I hear you, as I said I knew in year one it wasn't viable but I so very much wanted it to work.

It will get worse, your resentment will grow, you will feel more trapped while DP is still leading a comfortable life she won't even consider changing. What the PP and I can see is that you are slowly being suffocated because you want to be the nice guy. Perfectly natural reaction to trying to please DP but you already know deep down it isn't working for you, that's why you have asked for help here.

That you cannot see it happening to you just yet is very common, especially as you are working within the relationship but not upon the relationship. Like businesses LTR need planning, strategy and shared goals to succeed. You don't have any from what you have told us you are both just winging it and it never works out well. If you and DP are to stay together, grow together, and find happiness together you need to work upon your relationship so you are happy within your relationship. DP is already happy, she has all she wants and is happy to stagnate, you do not have all you want, your needs and priorities are not considered important. HTH I know but that's the honest truth of it.

The first step of that is finding some headspace to make it work if you want it to work. You need out of the unhappy situation and into a place you can breathe and think straight which you can't do at DPs mums house. If you don't burst that comfort bubble DP is living in, DP has no reason to change and grow.

Then you and DP can work on your relationship, give each other time and space to miss each other and to re-evaluate your priorities. If they are still mismatched then they will not align so break it off for both your sakes. If priorities do match then try again but with your own space and your own time to just be yourselves so you can be the best partner you can be to the person you love.

Bit of a trite quote but has truth to it, this is attributed to Albert Einstein but it is relevant for you and your situation

'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'

Make a change, you might be pleasantly surprised or at least much better off than you are now. Something has to change though, just hoping won't make it happen.

Show quote history

Thanks @MarkingBad so maybe moving out first then reevaluating is the maybe the easiest for now for me to see how things go? I feel bad because her mother also will be angry and upset because she will be like "is my house not good enough for you now!?" I know what i need to do in order to gain happiness, but still the same issues in my head persist on the reasons (i know I've said all this before) despite everyones answer to say I'm not happy end of kind of thing i still feel like that isn't good enough because I'm not showing signs of unhappiness i guess only my short temper towards things.

I know i will probably be more happy on my own but i also feel like i said early maybe I'm expecting too much from a partner am i asking for someone to be perfect for me? That probably isn't going to happen either

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 12/09/2024 21:42

You do need to move out OP, if only to be able to work out what you really want in life with no pressure from anyone.
Just try it for at least 6 months. You can still be in a relationship with your dp during this time if it’s what you both want.

EarthSight · 12/09/2024 21:45

I do love her sense of taking care of me and being there for me at times

Do you love her as a person, or do you like some of the emotional support services she provides you? There's a difference.

MarkingBad · 12/09/2024 22:18

LuckyPinkFish · 12/09/2024 20:44

Thanks @MarkingBad so maybe moving out first then reevaluating is the maybe the easiest for now for me to see how things go? I feel bad because her mother also will be angry and upset because she will be like "is my house not good enough for you now!?" I know what i need to do in order to gain happiness, but still the same issues in my head persist on the reasons (i know I've said all this before) despite everyones answer to say I'm not happy end of kind of thing i still feel like that isn't good enough because I'm not showing signs of unhappiness i guess only my short temper towards things.

I know i will probably be more happy on my own but i also feel like i said early maybe I'm expecting too much from a partner am i asking for someone to be perfect for me? That probably isn't going to happen either

Show quote history

Personally I think you just need a break so you can view this situation you are in from a distance, see the bigger picture and consider what is best for you. As @Mum2jenny says for at least 6 months.

It doesn't matter what DP's mum says, it's doesn't matter if you look happy or not or even said anything to anyone. The truth is you are unhappy and you need to look ot for yourself.

It's hard to think about now and no one is perfect but there are good people out there wanting to be with other good people. Have faith in yourself, it will make you shine to the right people

Relaxandunwind · 12/09/2024 23:47

It shouldn’t matter what her mum thinks. If you break up they’ll be out of your life and you’ll move on. You’ll meet someone special but not until you move away from this relationship.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/09/2024 01:14

her mother also will be angry and upset because she will be like "is my house not good enough for you now!?"

You say her house is just fine and you thank her for allowing you to stay but it was never going to be forever and now is the time for you to move on, taking the next step towards an independent adult life.

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 13/09/2024 06:14

Thanks everyone I'm going to make this more of a priority of moving out. I know it will more than likely be the end of the relationship because she will feel like its a number of stepe back and she'll be bothered that we aren't living together still

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 13/09/2024 06:27

Millions of people break up every day. You are overthinking this. The hardest part is telling her. You will feel very relieved once it is over. Your life is not a dress rehearsal. You get one go at it, so you really shouldn’t spend years in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

Relaxandunwind · 13/09/2024 10:51

LuckyPinkFish · 13/09/2024 06:14

Thanks everyone I'm going to make this more of a priority of moving out. I know it will more than likely be the end of the relationship because she will feel like its a number of stepe back and she'll be bothered that we aren't living together still

Yes do whatever you find easiest. You’re an adult and it’s perfectly reasonable for you to not want to stay with your gf mum.

For a short time, yes. For an unplanned additional few years due to her debts, no !!

If your gf has threatened to break up with you if you move out, then that is very much a red flag for controlling behaviour.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time ?
With the same person ? If so it’s a long time to be unhappy. If she was the one for you, you wouldn’t feel like this.

When, one day, you find yourself with someone who makes you happy you’ll look back and ask yourself why you put up with this for so long.

MarkingBad · 13/09/2024 13:49

LuckyPinkFish · 13/09/2024 06:14

Thanks everyone I'm going to make this more of a priority of moving out. I know it will more than likely be the end of the relationship because she will feel like its a number of stepe back and she'll be bothered that we aren't living together still

We all need support sometimes so any questions do please ask and do please keep us up to date with how you are doing. You are at such a low ebb right now it's hard to see the wood for the trees. While I've no doubt it's been really hard to hear our perspectives, I hope we have helped. A step away from a horrible situation will help you in the long run, you need to look after you.

On paying part of your DPs debts going forward, I'm not going to tell you what to do there but it might be worth taking advice from somewhere like Citizens Advice to make sure you are not liable for her debts now you have been paying towards them, they deal with questions like this all the time they are confidential and are non-judgemental so there is no shame in getting advice there. You have done a lot for your DP in this alone, many would not have gone this far for their DP, you don't need to be tied by this, you have different priorities now.

I wish you all the very best in moving out and like I say, if you want just pack your bags and go, you owe DP and her mum nothing, not even an explanation if you don't want. You mentioned your issues re cats and decisions etc previously, there really isn't much else left to say.

As for losing the relationship where you are dismissed, ignored and threatened ... it's really only a gain to get out of it.

Original poster
LuckyPinkFish · 13/09/2024 14:29

All of your replies from every single person have been so helpful, kind and fair i can't thank everyone who has posted with their perspectives noone had to reply at all and to get this response has been extremely nice of everyone. I wonder if theres a way of me not feeling this way about owing her a explanation etc because i think alot of the time its been that holding me back feeling like i never left at the time of these issues so now i feel in the wrong for leaving now when i would have been well within my rights to leave then i feel like now i missed the chance. I know thats only going to get worse the longer it goes on but still can't help that feeling

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/09/2024 14:39

stop overthinking it all.

just tell her that the relationship is no longer working for you, and move out.

this relationship is costing you a fortune !

LaughingElderberry · 13/09/2024 15:04

You haven't missed the chance at all.

Instead of worrying that you owe her an explanation, try and become comfortable with the fact that it's OK to want to stop doing something that doesn't make you happy anymore.

In this case, the relationship doesn't make you happy anymore, so you want to split up. That's entirely fair and reasonable. There doesn't have to be anything more to it than that - being unhappy is reason enough.

In this case:
I'm not happy in our relationship any more. I'm going to move out because I want to live by myself.

That's as much to it as there needs to be.

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 15:13

Just.

Move.

Out.

MarkingBad · 13/09/2024 15:24

LuckyPinkFish · 13/09/2024 14:29

All of your replies from every single person have been so helpful, kind and fair i can't thank everyone who has posted with their perspectives noone had to reply at all and to get this response has been extremely nice of everyone. I wonder if theres a way of me not feeling this way about owing her a explanation etc because i think alot of the time its been that holding me back feeling like i never left at the time of these issues so now i feel in the wrong for leaving now when i would have been well within my rights to leave then i feel like now i missed the chance. I know thats only going to get worse the longer it goes on but still can't help that feeling

Look at it this way:

You are being used and abused in this situation. - If someone you loved was in this situation and as unhappy as you, would you encourage them to stay, if so, why?

You are allowed to walk away from anything that you want without explanation. - You don't need to explain yourself because you already have and they didn't listen. They had a chance to listen and they didn't take it so that's their problem not yours.

You are allowed to walk away from a situation that puts your MH and physical health in danger. - You owe it to yourself to look after yourself because no one else will and those two have proved that they won't.

You are allowed to to be happy and to walk away from unhappiness. - No one has the right to demand you remain unhappy.

You owe nothing to those women at all, ever. You and DP are not married, you don't have kids. - There is literally nothing to keep you in this situation you have no responsibility here, you are allowed to leave as you please.

The only person keeping you there is you - and the biggest risks in life you ever take are the ones where you do nothing.

Think of it as a holiday if it helps. You have a flatshare so you won't be alone, you won't have cats and mums to consider, you won't have to pay off someone elses debts they ran up so you can spend it on something worthwhile like saving for a house, take up a hobby, or taking a really special women out on a fantastic date.

Give DP a chance to be happy with someone who loves living at home with mum and cats. Give yourself a chance to breathe and time to learn what you want from life and find the right partner for you.

After all is said and done what are they going to do if you just go in pack bags and leave? Put you in detention?

You could always leave a Dear John letter if you have to explain or print some of the stuff out that you have written here.