I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

Thank you babyShark, i have looked sceral are reasonable and come with bills included! Thanks so much

The cats are my current girlfriends so they would have to come with us if we was together and moving out together.

Just an update here.
I'm still really struggling because every time i think its the right time i think of the good parts of her and our relationship and what she has done for me thats good. How do i get over this where i think I'm giving up all the good parts of our relationship only for a day later or similar I'm back feeling this isn't working.

@LuckyPinkFish sounds like you're having a tough time. It really depends on how much time you're enjoying the relationship and how much you're not. If the bad times outweigh the good then it's time to end it. If not then give it a bit longer. But even in really awful relationships there will be glimmers of good times - it's just that overall it's more bad than good.

Move out of her mother's house, find your own rental then maybe you could go back to the beginning and date

it was all a bit much too soon

Have you let her know that you're unhappy? Start with that. Her reaction might help you decide

So i have let her know the issues i have and her reaction has been "you need to let go of the resentment the pets are here to stay now and you need to decide if you like that or not" in my heart i know that when we no longer have the help of her mum with the pets i will have to take more responsibility to help as they are house cats and i feel i don't want to do that.. because i have the nagging feeling underneath "i didn't create this responsibility so why should i help more..." i think i know long term that breaking up is for the best for logic but i can't help but when we cuddle or she asks how my day was just things i have come accustomed to small things granted... i feel like i wont find that in some of the people my age where everything is phones and physical appearance. This holds me back to feel i might be wrong

Doo you really need other people to tell you to do what's right for you?

It sounds to me as if your girlfriend is a habit you don’t want to break because you are scared of change.
You have spent the last few years in limbo. You aren’t happy with her , don’t like her animals and her mother enables her and her debt is wearing you down.
There are times when we need to be brave and change our situation. You sound miserable OP. My advice is stop wasting your money paying someone else’s debt. Get a room and move out

There's so much wrong here..
I don't understand how someone living in their parents' house can be in debt, or why it is your problem to pay off. Does she not work?
I don't know why you think that someone asking how your day went is a big deal - that is normal, in every relationship I've seen, and I'm old, I've seen a lot!
I don't why you think that everyone else your age will be all about physical attractiveness and phones.. you can make the best of yourself ( by which I mean clean and tidy) and then forget about it. You will meet someone else eventually, at work or doing a hobby, or through friends, or online. Most of the blokes I see are very ordinary looking.
Her getting the cats without you sounds as if she is not bothered about your opinion, and she's more or less given you an ultimatum there anyway. So you don't need to feel too bad about walking away.
You are too young to be this tied down and miserable.
Line up somewhere to go , then tell her, and leave.

Change is scary but, when what you have is not making you happy, then surely it's worth the risk? If you stay you can be pretty sure you will continue to be unhappy, if you go you at least have the chance of something better, something that really makes you happy.

I believe she did it because she knew i would have said no at the time at that would have meant she didn't get what she wanted. I'm afraid even at my age that she will say I've wasted her time and it will be a big blow up. I know your right and theres noone else that can do this but me. Thanks for your reply!

Thank you thats so true its breaking this habit i believe of just being comfortable

you are wasting your time
you are also wasting her time

So what if her time was wasted. So was yours.

Who cares if her time was wasted?
What difference does it make anyway?

Just leave. Job done. I don't understand all this angst.

How long have you lived at her mother's? How much do you pay/ contribute to live at her mother's, because it seems you've been there for quite some time. The cats were gotten years ago, with her mother's consent, but you are still annoyed at that. You're annoyed that she has debt, do either of you work? Because it seems to be suiting you to be staying there, as you don't have many other options.

We both work yes i have worked since i left school so over 12 years now. She also works but shes saying if i don't help the only option is for her to pay it off slowly which could take over a year if not more.

' How long have you lived at her mother's? How much do you pay/ contribute to live at her mother's, because it seems you've been there for quite some time. The cats were gotten years ago, with her mother's consent, but you are still annoyed at that.'

you totally missed that bit out...

So i have lived with her Mum for 5 years and i contribute my share to bills, food etc. Although i have lived there for 4 years i was expecting my Girlfriend would save towards us moving out after possibly 3 years not after 6 years decide to start getting her finances in order and tell me shes got several thousands of debt, all while setting on life responsibilities with cats that will live for potentially 15 years of both care and financial costs too... is this a valid reason to break up?

At this point, you staying with her is cruel. Yoh just don’t love her enough to be with her forever. That’s ok. That’s why we have relationships in our 20s and don’t jump into marriage. But at this age if you’re going to split up with her then you need to do it now in order for you both to be able to find the right person.

Of course it’s hard, but stringing someone along is mean.

is it 4 or 5 years - is 4 a typing error ?

thats a long time

pretty sure Mum will be looking forward to having her home back

as you will never get over your resentment towards the cats

get back onto looking at spareroom or whatever website it is and do it

Speaking as someone who has been a people pleaser for years and come to the end of my tether, I think that you've been manipulated and not respected. Things aren't going to change, they are not going to change...just that your resentment will grow and more of your precious life will be gone in this unproductive one sided relationship where you seem to be the 3rd wheel. And you are unhappy.

I can identify with your situation, in my case my patience grew thin, my confusion persisted and I had no support. Until one day all my cooperation, all my patience and understanding flew out the window and my resentment erupted. A few choice words from me [just me telling the truth, which would never do] and close friendship over.

I also mulled over whether the good bits meant I should tolerate the bad bits. My mental health was being affected though, always a very bad sign. I've since learned that 'if someone you love prepares a sandwich for you which you enjoy until you find a slug in it, you are not going to continue with it, a nice moment has been ruined....it shows she cared less about making sure it was as good as it could be. You are going to look at everything from her kitchen in the future and be wary, not enjoy any food she prepares from then on = one miserable life, more bad moments'. In other words the bad bits never detract from the good, they're there, they happened for a reason/were meant. Period.

I got out and it's been difficult, we had good years. But people don't change. Find freedom and peace, your own space, your self worth and a life you enjoy. I hope you do. You deserve more respect.

So are the cats hers or her mum’s ?
Maybe mum will keep them on when her dd moves out ?
Since her mum also involved in buying the cats, she does some of the work like cleaning litter trays and shared the cost of it too ?
Can your girlfriend increase her work hours to pay off the debt ?

Your resentment is rooted in your people pleasing. You want to make a decision but need her to be OK with it first and you suspect she won't so you feel trapped and powerless which leads to resentment.

In the kindest possible way you need to take responsibility for yourself and stop being concerned about what other people think of you.

She got three cats without discussing it with you and she has run up debt which is preventing you from moving forward, you have no boundaries. Both of these are perfectly reasonable reasons to end a relationship.

If you do not want to spend the rest of your life like this then you need to leave. She may well be angry and hurt but it's not your responsibility to be miserable to protect her feelings.