I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

what date do you get to move in - you must be counting down the days.

it will be such a relief to you when you have actually told her and moved.

onwards and upwards !

The 8th of September is my date

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm struggling in particular because when i say its going to come out of the blue as nothing appears wrong at the moment no arguments or anything

it's only going to be 5 minutes out of the rest of your life.

Are you an anxious type of person do you think ? maybe a trip to your GP would help you moving on for the future.

You might find it easier to go into town and then ask her to meet you for a coffee (could be a takeaway coffee in the park if that feels better) and tell her your decision then. That way afterwards you can walk off in different directions rather than you having to leave the house. But even if you had been arguing loads, changes are she would still be asking "why". And ultimately the reason why is that you don't feel the relationship is an even partnership and aren't happy any more. It's also fine to say you can't fully explain it. Not many of us can.

She'll want to know why. So many women here are mystified because he just suddenly left one day with no explanation. So prepare your statement, how you're feeling about being in the relationship.

No personal attacks, no criticism of her character, personality etc.

Nothing about her mother.

Nothing that could be seized on with 'I'll change! I'll do this! I'll stop doing that!'

Just how you feel, what you need, what you're going to do.

Personally I wouldn't apologise for the decision, that makes it sound like you're doing something wrong and gives ammunition.

We all have a right to happiness, to a life and a future we'd like. No-one should feel they have to stay through feeling guilty, through habit.

And you're not responsible for her debts and her irresponsible behaviours. You're incompatible.

Yeah I'm pretty anxious about anything thats out the normal for me... i wake up in the night and my temperature goes so hot just thinking about having this conversation

Yeah thats true at least its a neutral setting. Its the logistics of still packing some clothes before hand that she won't notice are missing rather than packing after... i don't really know what to do in this instance she will notice my clothes are disappearing from my wardrobe

Thank you for your kind reply! Yeah i feel like i really need avoid getting too personal because i feel i have so much I've kept inside so long it could get argumentative and then she will say she will change like before i go back on the my instincts only to regret it. I don't feel like i should apologise but i know she's going to be so mad that 6 years has passed and we haven't got engaged like she expected shes going to call me a liar etc i keep telling myself "that's her feeling i can't control this... and also how is this going to be detrimental to my life" it's slightly easier after that but not fully

I'd pack your favourite/expensive stuff and leave stuff that you could walk away from if you decide you can't be bothered with the drama of collecting it afterwards. Or say you're having a wardrobe makeover and have binned a load of stuff?!

“I'd pack your favourite/expensive stuff and leave stuff that you could walk away from if you decide you can't be bothered with the drama of collecting it afterwards. Or say you're having a wardrobe makeover and have binned a load of stuff?!”

Totally this. And as for saying you’ve wasted 6 years of her life - you haven’t - you have been planning for a future together. It’s only in the last couple of years that you’ve realised it won’t work. In any case, that’s all the more reason not to give her the chance to say you’ve wasted 7 or 8 or 9 years of her life!!!

She’s still young - 28 - plenty of time for her to find another life partner. Of course, she’s going to be angry and hurt to start with but she will move on in time and find someone who loves her with her cats.

Good luck, OP.

Find the room first. Then move out. worry about yourself! She has her mother and the cats!!!

Hi there.

I think you're panicking because it's getting closer to 8th September.

Don't worry. We're all here to support you. Once it's done, and you've left, you're going to feel so much better.

Yeah that is so true about not making 7,8,9 years etc. Does everyone thinking breaking up and then packing my stuff straight after is a bad idea then? My clothes i have are nothing designer or anything just simple clothes which could be replaced over time for new as most are old anyway but i obviously need something to wear! Haha.

I think you're right i felt calm about it but now its nearing i feel absolutely terrified of this.

You have the tools and equipment to consider too tho - or have you started to remove them ?

Do you have a car or a van ?

Yeah my tools are my most valuable things i do need to get them. I do have a van for work and a car so there's only the possibility of me taking one vehicle away at first which will be my work one and then i would have to return to collect my car. The more i think about this is so difficult to think of moving these things being as i use them around the house regularly so she'll notice i have to get my tool boxes out of the van now etc. I know its got to be done but figuring out the where to have this conversation and then be able to take most of my things i can without he noticing a the same time. I don't have any friends in this city that i can lend my tools to either so its really a case of closer to the time maybe just put them in the van

OP she presumably won't physically attack you, so why are you so anxious?

Or will she attack you?

I think you are overthinking this.

Are you really going to be doing little jobs around the house in the next 2 weeks ?

as that is about all you have left until you move - Sept 8th ish isn't it ?

Is the van yours or a company one ?

is it secure ?

as you could start now by putting some of these tools and all the other valuable stuff in it, every day for a week.

Is there a secure yard or something at work that you could leave the van ?

can you drive the van to work one day and get home by another method ? i.e. walk ! then use the car thereafter to get to / from work.

if needed you could give some elaborate excuse as to why you don't have the van i.e. it needed a MOT and failed and it's going to take x days to get the required part etc. - think out of the box !

If there is nowhere secure to leave your tools at work, then you could hire storage for a couple of weeks. where I live there are lots of storage units around, fully secure with staff on site and 24 hour cctv.

A very quick Google tells me :

Size of storage 50 sq ft
Cost for 1 week £22
Cost for 1 month £95

Now the car, you could easily start getting your clothing into it, every day another couple of items.
Yet again think out of the box ! does the girlfriend and her mother actually see you leave the home every single morning ? you could wear 2 shirts one day under a jacket, or two jumpers, or a pair of jeans on top of another ! then drive round the corner and take off the 2nd shirt / 2nd pair of jeans whatever. Fold up and put in the boot.
Can you get out the house in the morning with a pair of trainers in a carrier bag ? yet again put it in the boot.

What do you have / need in the way of personal possessions i.e. passport ? gadgets ? games/gaming stuff - you need to think this through. make a mental note of what you actually have and how you are getting it out and where it is going until you can move into the new place.

Obiv she will notice if all your clothes vanish, so choose the newest / favourite / best items to move elsewhere.

I don't think she will attack me, I'm just afraid of hurting her still, like things at the moment are pretty calm and we seem to he enjoying each others company so i'm just afraid of her reaction of being upset and then everyones opinion, like i said previously my people pleasing is ridiculous and at the minute it feels easy to stay rather than cause all the upset... i know its got to be done though. I feel anxious in the night if i wake up i think about it and that alone makes me feel so hot and then i struggle to sleep.

Yeah you are right, i will have to leave something behind... i leave home every morning so we don't have a work base being as my role is field based so i travel to sites each day from home.

I will have to put my tools in my van and some clothes i can manage before hand. I am under a watchful eye though in fairness she watches everything

I am under a watchful eye though in fairness she watches everything

Won't it be wonderful to have escaped that, though.

@LuckyPinkFish - great practical advice from @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon.

As for the people pleasing thing - I used to be very prone to it and it’s very easy for me to say otherwise now I’m well into middle age but would it help to realise that people-pleasing is actually quite manipulative?

What you’re trying to do is ensure that people always like and approve of you and, in a sense, you’re taking away their agency by manipulating things so as to control their reaction and their feelings towards you. I speak as someone who used to people please frantically and of course it’s fine to do nice things for people but not to the extent of martyring yourself. And in fact when I tried to people please, it often meant that I let people down (including those closest to me) and created bigger problems because I would agree to do things I couldn’t do (didn’t have time or money, for example) etc.

Your GF is lovable. Another man will love her and want to build a future with her. You are not that man. You have tried to be but it hasn’t worked out. That’s no-one’s fault. Relationships end - that happens all the time. But it’s rare that both parties actually want the relationship to end at the same time; often one party does and the other doesn’t. Most of us have had our heart broken. But hearts mend. Your GF’s heart will mend, too. It will take time but she will get there.

Focus on yourself and your new life.

Thanks for your reply Dery, i appreciate your take on the people pleasing thing especially as someone who has been through it yourself. I know its manipulative and really a nasty thing to do to try and control others emotions, only just recently have i discovered this kind of thing because i never gave it much thought being i thought i was always doing my best to make people happy around me but in turn putting myself aside make them not actually know me at all either. As i say before i know someone else will love her in the future its myself keep thinking "have i done enough for her" i feel like she went out of her way to invite me to her home to live etc and i can't help but feel like i owe her more even though i know i dont really have much else to give

I feel like she went out of her way to invite me to her home to live etc, and I can't help but feel like I owe her more

But she has been financially abusive to you, and has got you into an emotional state where you actively fear her, OP.

You owe her nothing, really.