I feel resentment everyday with my girlfriend. Time to break up?

[LuckyPinkFish]

I've been in a relationship with my for 6 years now and for the past 3 years i have been dealing with resentment of my relationship, my girlfriend brought 3 cats without even consulting me i feel so resentful when i have to take care of them at times... she also got herself into debt which has caused us to put our lifes on hold and me having to pay some of her debt off to quicken the process. I have been thinking of breaking up for over a year on and off because i just can't deal with this resentment... i feel it isn't the life i chose but was decided for by her. Overall our relationship is pretty good we spend time together etc but i just cant shake this feeling i see a therapist every 2 weeks for this reason but nothing has worked.

I am 28 and she is 29 we live currently with her mum which is extremely difficult to deal with at times however the debt situation has really meant this has prolonged us living here longer and longer.

Do you have a friend who could help you move, or 'loan' your tools to?

"Loaning" your tools is a great idea. A trusted friend who can look after some things for you whilst you're getting ready?

In terms of clothes, could you gradually and discreetly start to move some things out? Prioritise your most expensive and favourite things, so that if you do have to leave anything it's the stuff that you won't mind not having. Even if it's a pair of jeans and a few tops rolled up, or a pair of shoes, stuck in your backpack each time you go out.

It will make it far easier on the day if you have to then pack your remaining stuff in a hurry.

You have done all you can. You know you have. But at the end of the day, you are not happy in this relationship, are you?

Please look up the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

I was going to say same thing about pretending to "loan" them to someone. Even if you don't have someone who can keep them for you, look at hiring a small storage container for a month.

Make sure you take photos of all your property, tools etc. So if she or her mother attempts to deny their return you can go to the police.

In fact, I think calling 101 and asking for advice from the non emergency number could give you some good advice.

Make sure you have any receipts for your property on your phone if you can.

I agree decluttering will be a good move while you're waiting. So you can be reviewing your stuff and deciding what's coming with you while you're doing it.

Sounds like your tools & equipment are the most valuable things you have. And if they're how you earn money they're a priority so need to be protected.

You could rent a lockup for the month and put them there, or maybe if money's ok keep it permanently so you have somewhere secure to store your kit that isn't in the flat, if it's a smaller space. You'd need to decide if you're happy lying about where it is and why, for the greater good.

' I have hundreds of pounds worth of tools, jetwash etc '

where exactly are all these things kept right now ? surely not in the bedroom.
where are you going to keep them once you have moved ?

do you take them everyday with you for work ?

So at the minute they are kept in the shed at the house and at my new flat share there is a shed there too i should be able to store the things like tools etc. In terms of friends since moving here (i moved over an hour away) i don't really have any friends my whole friends really have revolved around this house and thats the way my girlfriend and her mum like it being as they know I'm not up to anything. Only recently have a started joining a club i got to weekly. I think just getting through the conversation of leaving would be first things however moving tools etc to a friend or even my clothes without her noticing would be impossible I'm not so big on my clothes because i don't have a great expensive range the tools etc ive built up over the last 5 years so i would be really sad for us to get into a fight where shes taking the expensive ones out before i have chance go and collect them just out of spite.

Would me saying I'm not happy because i don't see myself having to look after pets that i didn't want or wasn't consulted in the first place when buying and explaining i can't get out if the feeling of resentment with choices being made for me... would this be okay to explain why I'm leaving? I know it can be short but i feel after over 6 years an explanation is fair?

Do you drive? Get a storage space for a few weeks. Move stuff into this slowly over the next couple of weeks.

Remember @Springadorable s comment that you replied to - basically that is what you can say. You’ve tried and it’s not working.

You’re entitled to your life back. Remember you weren’t put on earth for this person. You tried a relationship and it hasn’t worked out. That’s okay.

You're probably making it too complicated.

Just tell her you're not happy with her anymore, and you're moving out.

Then just go. There is nothing to be gained by having a long discussion with her, or her mother.

People can end relationships quickly and easily.

You still sound frightened of her and her mum.

Get a friend's help to move your stuff.

Just do it quickly.

Take photos of the equipment in the shed.
Plenty of them.
Do a little dated video.
Any messing with them will be stealing them.
Talk to the police first for advice.
You can tell her that you have taken advice should she be tempted to damage them.
Could your employer or colleagues help you?

Please don't use the cats as an excuse to her,

she purchased the cats with her mother's permission and knowledge, she lives with her mother in that property, you were the one that had moved in with your girlfriend who lives in her mum's home.
you chose to continue living in the property for a long time after the cats arrived.

It's very very simple, you just inform her you are moving out.

I wouldn’t use the cats as an excuse. I feel there must be more to it than the cats. If you truly love someone you work together and overcome barriers and you compromise.
Sounds like you’re just not into her any more.

Just say something like “it’s been lovely being together but it doesn’t feel right anymore”
or
“This isn’t working for me anymore”
You don’t need to go into lengthy justifications as that opens up the door to negotiations and promises to change or “give me another chance” etc

It's fine to say that you aren't happy and that you don't want to be in a relationship any more because your feelings have changed. That's all there is to it. You don't have to explain anything more than that.

That's true i feel like I've compromised so much though for little in return its not like I've been given much compromise in return your definitely right with not getting into too much conversation as to give any more "we can work this out" thank you 😊

Thank you very much! I'm still going through these feelings of where i feel i owe this person something but since everyones posts i keep reminding myself that isn't the case

How are you getting on, OP?

Thank you for checking thats really kind. I'm still struggling of getting over having the conversation, I keep reminding myself "whats the worst she can do or say?" But not only that i feel horrible for upsetting her and feeling like I'm pulling a part her life feels brutal to me... i know staying is worse but these are just the thoughts and feelings I'm going through 😢

How long have you’ve lived with her mother? Did her acquiring the cats pre date moving in with her mother? As for her debts I can understand your frustration but paying them off with your money was a choice, your choice. Have you articulated your dissatisfaction with the cats, debts etc. I’m guessing you are probably not the best communicator and is someone who thinks that micro aggressions and body language should do the communicative heavy lifting.

It very much sounds like you are someone who makes decisions or lets things happen by default. Instead of having the courage of your convictions, you choose to finger point and silently seethe because that’s easier than accepting your absence from the resolution of the issue, that would take into consideration your needs/ wants too.

People pleasing, is rarely about the person you think you are trying to please. It’s about the fear of not being accepted for who you are. I suspect you’ve stayed in the relationship as long as you have because despite the things you resent, being with your gf offers you something that has been unobtainable thus far elsewhere. It’s not your gf’s fault that she is the centre of your universe. What have you done to expand your universe?

Resentment is toxic and maybe because you’ve chosen to live with it so long without successfully addressing it, you may have moved past the point of return. However, you are in the fortunate position to be in therapy and thus have opportunities to either address the issues or support to walk away.

But not only that, I feel horrible for upsetting her

I wouldn't give it another thought. She and her mother don't mind upsetting you, do they?

I know, It's just my thought process of even though things are making me happy some things about her do and it makes me feel sad

She brought the cats when i was living there she came with 2 at first and then another one a few weeks after... her mum has 2 dogs aswell so in total there is 5 animals in the house. I don't really have a huge issue with the dogs being as i know long term i wont have to be responsible for them but the cats i feel have severely impacted our chances due to how much they was to buy and also then the costs of looking after them... i am not annoyed about paying the debts just her not thinking about our future at the time when she was making these purchases or when she was spending 2k on cats when that could have been saved for our deposit for our house.... at first it was we went for a mortgage at the bank and it turned out she had a CCJ which we have had to wait to expire for 2 years as they wouldn't lend any money to us. Then it was it turned out she owed over 6k which obviously if we was to get a mortgage it wouldn't be much to lend because they see outstanding finances that still require monthly pay etc... so we are now paying these off. Hope this helps clear a few more areas

@LuckyPinkFish you are not responsible for her debts.

I know i have paid towards because if she pays on her own it was going to take another 3 years and i couldn't live in her mums house for another 3 years.