Found condoms - is it ever innocent?

[MissisK]

I found a box of unopened condoms in DH’s draw. We don’t use them and haven’t for literally years. Is there ever an innocent reason for him having them?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions but we’ve had a rocky marriage and lack of intimacy for years.

Why would he put them in his drawer when he knows I put the washing away and could quite likely find them. I will speak to him but need to get my head straight.

@MissisK I should have read all your posts..

You don't think he could possibly be Gay, do you?

There are a fair few '' married men'' who are Gay who{allegedly} don't have any intimacy with their wives, but have sex with men.

Especially 'older' men who had their youth at a time when being Gay wasn't as acceptable as now.

They are happy with their domestic setup, often have older children, and just don't want to ''rock the boat'' at home. {Mortgages paid off &c}

To me it seems crazy, but I knew a Gay man who dated a married man for years- supposedly his Wife knew, but ''didn't mind'', as she disliked sex.

That old excuse is worn smooth with use.

If it was for a PW, he'd have no need to hide them, surely?

I think it used to be called ''Gel charging'' - a dollop of lube is put into the condom, and wanking so say feels better {I can't vouch for it as I'm not a man} but at an HIV charity I volunteered at , it was mentioned to get people more used to using condoms. {Although a person having solo sex is having the safest sex of all}.

To my knowledge men never leave a long term relationship unless it's worth their while, usually because they're guaranteed sex elsewhere. The number of people I know who's partners have left saying they've 'grown apart', 'need space' or even 'struggling with their mental health' only for their partner to find out within the month that they're shagging someone else. You're making it too easy for him to stay, just kick him out.

Sounds like you know

My mum found condoms my dad had in the house.

It was 100% innocent - mums friend had started a company selling condoms, Dad went to a launch event to support her and mum completely forgot about it!

It was one HELL of an argument though!

Yes of course. I go to so many events launching condom selling companies, I could easily forget I’d attended one 🙄

Surely it’s more likely that they were left by the sales person who sold them the chest of drawers 20 years ago ?

Or that they were put there by a tradesman who was in the house to fix the bathroom taps, popped into the bedroom to check his make up in the mirror and the condoms fell out his pocket and into the drawer?

Or that he was keeping them for a colleague who was old enough to have sex and hold down a job but was too embarrassed to buy his own ( although fortunately not too shy to discuss his sex life with a random bloke from work ). And anytime this guy needed them on a date, he would phone your dad who would rush out to wherever and hand over the condoms in a plain brown envelope.

Or that someone at the gym got a key cut for his locker, opened it and hid the condoms in his bag “for a laugh”. And when he was cleaning out his gym bag at home ( as all men do on a daily basis ) they fell into the chest of drawers.

Or a seagull picked the packet of condoms out of a dustbin ( along with a half eaten takeaway ) , landed in the gutter of the house to eat the food and dropped the condoms through the open bedroom window, where a passing breeze gently wafted them into the top drawer.

😂😂

Oh I BET he'll come up with some bullshit excuse for this. WHat's everyone betting on? I remember a similar post on here a few years ago, he threw his own (14 year old) teenage son under the bus, lied and said the son had asked him to get the. Turns out yes, of course, it was the husband. Son never spoke to him again.

Have you managed to speak to him?

LOL. I mean...it would be "lol", except they really do come out with this shit....

I’m so sorry, it’s hard not to think the worst given what you have said. I also wonder whether he left them in an obvious place for you to find deliberately, to force a conversation and ultimately for you to split. I know you said he has had the opportunity to leave before and didn’t, but maybe he wasn’t ready then (or if he is having an affair his affair partner has forced his hand). Whatever the explanation he is a disgusting creep and you deserve so, so much better.

Well done to your Dad for managing to worm his way out of that one. And convincing his kids too. Bravo 👏

If he's been that obvious about it, he may have wanted you to catch him out this way and give him an easy way out. No reason for him to have them if you don't use them together. Sorry OP. Maybe think about getting your financial ducks in order before you do anything. He won't know whether you've found them while you're thinking.

Condoms can* be pretty innocent if found lying around fishing/hunting/orienteering bags or similar, but not in a bedside drawer, no.

*believe it or not, it makes a handy, sterile, and durable waterproof wound dressing that can cover entire shin.

Think I'd rather carry around an actual waterproof wound dressing in case of injury. Who wants to be seen with a condom stuck to their shin? 😂

Also - fishing/hunting/orienteering - strong brokeback mountain vibes

Actually-the gay thing is interesting - as the PP, I have a gay friend who has had two long term relationships with married men (ie married to women) who only discovered their gay side in their 40s.

That’s exactly all they are ….. any man, including pp here, who says they do that and that’s why they have condoms are just full of lying shit.

Sorry to hear this, OP - and it reminds me, horribly, of the time leading up to my discovery of my ex-husband's infidelity, which ended our marriage and led to years of trauma. It's to save you the latter (the trauma) that I offer a few words of advice, which may or may not be helpful. First, I'd take it that he IS being unfaithful and I'd start to put some ducks in a row before having a 'show-down'. this would include having a free half-hour consultation with the best family solicitor in the area, to get an independent expert's view of where you stand if you decide to divorce him. If I had my time again I'd do anything I could to retain my power in the situation, which I totally lost. Secondly, when you do confront him. with this do not engage with any gaslighting about lack of intimacy etc. I let my ex make me feel it was my fault he was playing with the nuclear button while our fabulous, wonderful kids were in their teens. Please take time to detach yourself from him, emotionally, as much as possible - and possibly see a therapist. You need all the strength and help you can get.

Is that what your DH told you when he came back from his last fishing / hunting trip

Hahaha yes of course you do 😆😆😆😆

I hate to break it to you, but your dad was having an affair 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

And with the mum's friend by the sound of it!

I wouldn’t discard the gay angle without giving it serious consideration. I found my exH condom stash in his jumper cupboard. He was travelling a lot for work and had shagged half the male population of Northern Europe before I found out.