Found condoms - is it ever innocent?

[MissisK]

I found a box of unopened condoms in DH’s draw. We don’t use them and haven’t for literally years. Is there ever an innocent reason for him having them?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions but we’ve had a rocky marriage and lack of intimacy for years.

Why would he put them in his drawer when he knows I put the washing away and could quite likely find them. I will speak to him but need to get my head straight.

How old is your teenage son? He may have asked his dad to get some 'for a friend'. I wouldn't say anything yet. Wait and watch.

A friend had a similar situation - sexless marriage and lack of intimacy during Covid. She walked in on him masturbating with a condom on - apparently he’d been doing it for ages because he was frustrated but discussing their sex life was too fraught for both, and she believed masturbation was equivalent to cheating. So he’d use condoms to hide the “evidence”. He showed her his whole stash. He wasn’t cheating with another woman (Covid meant he couldn’t go anywhere). Not sure if that’s the case here, I suggest you ask him.

In either case, it would show this man is unable to discuss such an important thing like an adult.

Not attractive at all in my view.

My husband does like to masturbate wearing a condom so could be completely innocent too.

There's already issues if you're both not intimate .. not sure but I do think that needs addressing first. Hope it's not what you think

Are you ok OP?

He probably thinks that you’ll just carry on putting up with the lack of a proper non-platonic relationship because that’s been the case for many years. He probably feels that you have a tacit agreement that you’re only still together for financial reasons and the children.

both these comments are key. He has checked out but it is easier for him to stay in the house.

How regulalry do you see him doing this?

Perhaps giving your teenage son a box of condoms is exactly how your husband plans to have this conversation with him.

To be fair, an unopened box of condoms in a drawer you put socks into wouldn't scream affair to me.

Why would you think your husband would use condoms with someone he was having an affair with? You aren't being intimate so there's not a transmission issue and in my experience men don't care if they get anyone pregnant.

Take the photo if it gives you peace of mind but it sounds like you have bigger issues in your marriage.

My DW and I never used condoms, we were pretty much in a sexless marriage (separated now) and when we did have sex it was (unfortunately) over quickly. I bought a pack of condoms in the hope of helping me last a bit longer. Maybe it's a similar issue OP?

Lack of intimacy for years.

There's your answer.

He's finding intimacy elsewhere.

Haven't you worried he would be unfaithful in all this time. Most men don't just tie it in a knot and say oh well no more sex for me when they aren't having sex with their wife!

This makes absolutely no sense.

Wanking into a tissue you that you can flush down the toilet is way more secretive than into a plastic condom you can't flush and have to put in the household rubbish!

@WiffleBallCat - she asked the same. Apparently it “felt more real” with the condoms than a tissue! And less messy 😅

Anyway OP - that’s the only example I have where condoms didn’t equal cheating or at least an intent to cheat, or sleeping with prostitutes. I really hope it’s not the case, but in your shoes I would take a picture (so he can’t later deny it) and confront him. Good luck x

I suppose once you've taken the picture and confronted, it's a 'what next?' situation. You don't seem ready to leave him, OP.

If I were you, I would get thinking strategically. What do you want the outcome to be, for you? I personally think you need to make plans for a future that doesn't include him.

Let me get this straight. You have a sexless relationship and you expect him to be permanently celibate. Is that right?

If the innocent reason is he wanted to reignite your sex life, but didn't want you to worry about using contraception so bought a box of condoms in preparation for a night of seduction..I'd say it's fairly unlikely?
If he got them to cheat, he obviously doesn't care to hide it from you if he placed them in a drawer he knows you regularly access.
So it's not looking great.
I guess if you want a bright side, he's not used any yet?!

Yes he's quite happy to 'keep you on' as a housekeeper.

Plenty of men are emotionally incapable of sustaining a long term mutually respectful marriage and connection, without the connection women rarely wish to have sex.

His only advice to himself is to outsource the sex, not to repair any resentment.

It's impossible for fedelity to exist with men like this.

All women that live with selfish men will probably be faced with this dialemma.

It's just a question of time.

It's not you love, he will be the same in future relationships given enough time, unless he shaks up with a blow up doll who he can't offend.

He’s the one that detached from the relationship, not me.

Not yet, but I will. We need to sort this out. Just trying to get my head straight.

I will be, thanks. Head is now out of the sand and I’m ready to deal with whatever happens.

Which drawer? His bedroom side table? Or another draw? Were they in sight or under stuff?