Found condoms - is it ever innocent?

[MissisK]

I found a box of unopened condoms in DH’s draw. We don’t use them and haven’t for literally years. Is there ever an innocent reason for him having them?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions but we’ve had a rocky marriage and lack of intimacy for years.

Why would he put them in his drawer when he knows I put the washing away and could quite likely find them. I will speak to him but need to get my head straight.

I'm torn whether you should just ask him straight, or whether to wait and watch. I'd probably have to say something though.

They’ve only appeared recently and looking at the expiry, they’ve been bought recently. I found them last week and have been waiting to see if they go or any get taken. I almost feel like he wants me to find them.

Yes my first thought was he wanted you to find them.
Given what you have said about your relationship surely the only way to go is have a conversation with him about them? I don't see the point in watching and waiting as some have suggested.
I do think knowing where you stand financially if you were to break up would be best before you have a conversation with him about them though.

I’m thinking this too. And while they are still in the draw so he can’t deny it.

Financially I’d be fine. He doesn’t earn as much though, which could be another reason for him not wanting to leave when given the chance.

My ex did this and I honestly to this day can't work out if he did it in the hope I would find them and blow up or was just an absolute imbecile. I'm still swinging towards the latter. I didn't blow up at him about them. I just asked casually when he bought them and he gave me some bullshit exexcuse. So i shrugged and that was that.

There were other things like this and it was a similar scenario. I asked a casual question and didn't react. The last few years of our marriage were very surreal and it's hard to explain to someone what it's like and why I behaved the way I did. It was like I knew something was wrong and there was probably someone else, but he could get fucked if he thought I was going to be the one to end it.

So sometimes I wonder if he did this nonsense to make me react, blow up and be the one to end it. Or if he was hoping that I would do some kind of pick me dance because I was afraid to lose him. Interestingly enough, he still denies there was another woman. Even though one of his work colleagues who I know has confirmed they were shagging at work for years (ex doesn't know I know this colleague or this information). The good thing is I don't need to worry about how my ex's mind works anymore.

Sorry, that got long. But the short answer is fuck knows why he's put them there and you'll probably never get a word of truth from him even if you ask!

So sorry you went through this too.

I actually don’t feel mad either. I’ve been mad over his lies before and it’s got me nowhere. When I found them in the draw, it was almost physical proof I needed. So I know it needs to end.

I’ll give him the chance to explain but I can guarantee I’ll get more excuses. The difference is I won’t be falling for them this time. I almost feel a bit more empowered by finding them strangely. Hard to explain.

I can't think of an innocent reason either, but as a pp has said, unless he's really stupid then he wants you to find them.
I think he's either pushing you to react and end the relationship so it's not on him, or to somehow clumsily highlight the lack of intimacy, maybe by trying to make you jealous or again cause a reaction.
Your choices really are to either ignore it and carry on as you are, talk to him in the knowledge you will unlikely get the truth, or quietly start planning your exit.

I don't think it's an uncommon way to feel. People don't like uncertainties. Once something feels certain, you know what you're dealing with.

do people really believe a man would masturbate wearing a condom FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️ some lying bastard has made this up to get out of cheating and now women think it's a thing. Put them back op and don't say anything and see if any go missing, easy to say though, I wouldn't tbf his belongings would be in a bag and he'd be out. Especially with an expiry of 2027 how can he excuse that!

Well I've heard all about the 'posh wank' but I suspect that's just an excuse thought up by cheating men to explain away condoms they have no business owning. I doubt it has an innocent explanation, but why on earth would he keep them in a drawer where they'd be easily found? Had he made any attempt to bury or obscure them?

I don’t necessarily think that he’s spiteful enough to “want you to find them” but I think that he’s perhaps got to the stage where he doesn’t care if you do. He probably thinks that you’ll just carry on putting up with the lack of a proper non-platonic relationship because that’s been the case for many years. He probably feels that you have a tacit agreement that you’re only still together for financial reasons and the children.

But I don’t suppose it matters what his motives are if the relationship is moribund. This may be the incentive you need to see a solicitor OP? Take charge of the timescale rather than wait for him to fall in love with a girlfriend and opt to leave you, at which point you’d be on the back foot.

He hid them under some socks but the draw was pretty empty so I found them pretty quickly. There are definitely better hiding places in the house if he didn’t want me to find them.

He's bought them for a reason.

He's either buying his next batch, he intends to use them for the first time or he wishes you to see them and prompt you into discussions about your own sex life.

So not really any good reasons which benefit you, I would make an appointment for your sexual health though, you sounding almost relieved you have found evidence points to the fact he may have been gaslighting you.

Secrets and lies, no basis for a relationship.

There is also the possiblity of extra marital affair and he wishes you to stumble on evidence and be the one who ends the union.

Fully agree

More than happy to be flagellated for this, but the word is drawer. Draw is something that you do with a pencil.

Not true!! DH says everyone tries it once! When they’re about 16…

I’m somehow expecting the excuse of the posh wank too….

@MissisK as others have said do take a photo of them in the drawer before they disappear. Wouldn't want to risk him gaslighting you. Or at least attempting to!

Now I'm not quite sure what I would do here. I think there are a couple of options (and neither would involve speaking to him about finding them), and tbh I'd like to think that this first one is the route that I'd take:

   1- you could open the pack and just remove one condom, do box back up, back in the same place. He'll notice the ripped cellophane and will look inside. But, after you do this I would then start to appear happier around the house than you have been up till now. little bit of singing to yourself  here and there, the odd smile as tho you'd just thought of something. Occasionally pretend to put down/turn over your phone like you're trying to hide something, equally take to carrying your phone around all the time he's in the house. Presumably you're not usually secretive about your phone so doing so now, along with the smiling, singing, just a general slight change in mood. I wouldn't be happier or nicer to him tho, keep your actual interactions with him as bland or however you are currently. He will likely notice, especially if things have been a bit tense or crappy, and hope that he thinks you've used it. Doesn't matter if he thinks you did it out of spite because you found them. 

 2 - The second option is just simply to remove the whole box and watch his behaviour change once he realises. Again don't change your behaviour around him, act just as you were before, and give him no sign that anything has changed. 

Obviously option 1 would take a bit more energy and would also depend on whether you think you could pull it off, and for some time too. Second one a little easier. I'd want to do the first, it might be a bit mean, but so what? His extracurricular activities are much more than just mean. Personally I'd enjoy the possibility of messing with his head!

Not true!! DH says everyone tries it once! When they’re about 16…

Was going to say this, but it's nothing to do with the mythical posh wank.

I think I'd be working out the value of the house, and generally being practical about how to organise things in the event that I become a single woman.

He has had someone in the house who has planted them?

Nah

It's probably relief that you can now finish the relationship. You gave him chances and an out and he didn't take it, this looks like a push to make you be the one to do the dirty work when neither of you wanted to be the one to pull the plug