Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

So sorry you are going through this.
Do you have family ir friends in RL you can confide in?
Sending hugs xx

You absolutely can keep the baby and raise them yourself! Of course it will be difficult, but many women do it and so can you.

If your decision is made, I would wait until after 12 weeks and make it clear that you expect him to financially support his child.

No it’s not selfish to keep the baby. This situation is his fault not yours. I can’t tell you what to do, but if I were in your situation I would bring up the baby alone and make sure he pays child support.

You do what’s right for you, heys the one who has to explain to his wife.. your not to blame hear he is. I truly feel awful that you’re going through this, you deserve a partner who will support you through your pregnancy and be a father. This waste of space has essentially destroyed two women. You’re a victim just as much as his wife, let him face the consequences and you do right by yourself and baby. This is his karma not yours, let him have it. I do wish you all the best

Why do you want to tell his wife?

You need to do what your heart tells you. And don't feel guilty for the grenade HE launched.

You don't explain to his wife. That's his job.

Do not feel guilty op. You have done nothing wrong, you didn't know

Just tell him and let him know he has the information and has to go from there but you won't be keeping any secrets for anyone

I think I’d tell him but say it will be up to him how involved he is (but of course you would expect maintenance).
leave him to sort it out with his wife,
you’ve got nothing to feel bad for, this is natural consequences of his actions

I'd bring it up myself and not ask him for anything.

You can do this!

Repeat after me “This is not my fault. I did not lie. I did not cheat. I behaved honourably.”

10000% you can do it on your own if you have to! It’s the hardest most rewarding job in the world. you don’t need a man to help you raise a child if that’s what YOU want you keep the baby!

I’d tell him, tell him you plan to keep it, he can be involved or not but he will be expected to financially support this child. I’d also stress you have no interest in hearing about his marriage and any repercussions in his life. Blunt, no emotion, factual!

Not your job to tell her love. It's all on him. You have a think about what you want and how you want to go about it and then you tell him that's what's going to happen. You give him the opportunity to be as involved as he wants, for the child's sake, and take it from there. You havnt put the grenade in his marriage, you don't need to feel guilty, this is all on him. Claim the maintenance that you are owed to bring your child up as comfortably as possible.

You say you've wanted a baby for a long time, so congratulations OP.

Can you afford to raise a child alone? And give the child a good life?

I’d wait until after 12wks and then tell him, and tell him you expect him to financially support your child. Whether he tells his wife is on him, if he can support the child without his wife knowing then maybe he won’t. I personally wouldn’t be looking to tell her though myself, I’d leave that for him to decide. I’d make it clear that you will be keeping the baby and won’t be engaging into a discussion about that side of things

Have you had a full STI screening done yet?

Yes you should tell him when the time is right but its up to him what he does with regards to telling his wife.

There is no hurry.

Can I raise this baby alone? of course you can.

How do I tell him? Id wait until much later. Definitely past 12 / 14 weeks. Phone him or ask to meet.

How do I tell HER? you dont. Thats not your call.

Am i selfish to go ahead with this? of course not.

I know what I would do. And I wouldn’t keep it. Entirely up to you though, but my goodness prepare yourself for a lot of aggro ahead.

I would only tell him if you need financial support. Otherwise, I’d keep the baby to myself honestly. He’s not worthy of being part of their life.

Same.

Congratulations, although not ideal circumstances it seems fate has given you the baby you thought you wouldn't have. One day you will look back and be so glad this horrible man messed you about because it gave you your child. However hard this next little while is for you it will all be worth it one day. You can do this, mothers are strong 💪 none of us can say what you should/shouldn't do. I probably would wait until 12 weeks and then tell him. I would also make him pay child support as it will be a big help to you plus why should he get away scot free. I probably wouldn't tell his wife quite yet although at some point she will need to find out as your children will be siblings. Chances are their marriage will end at some point as he is clearly a dirtbag.

Since they are colleagues he will notice that she is pregnant