Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Keep the baby, your the innocent party... so is the baby. Tell him, don't bother telling the wife he's probably going to walk away anyway if I'm honest but if he doesn't let him tell her. She's his problem not yours

Yes she could and that would be the better option but she’s pregnant already. And it is not as easy to say ‘just have a termination and have a different one with non-complicated donor sperm’ to a woman of 33-34 who wants a baby.

She could terminate and never become pregnant again. If I wanted a child, no way could I take the risk OR go through with a termination.

Echoing other posters.

You chose to keep this baby or not. You can be a single mother!
You tell him and remind him you expect him to pay CM. It’s fairer to him and the child.
Let him tell his wife and his dcs. Don’t feel it’s you who is putting a grenade into their family. You’re not. HE did when he decided to have an affair wo even telling you he was married!!
The one thing I would add is work. Are you colleagues or is he higher up on the management ladder? Because he might well get nasty ….

Congratulations!

I think I would be very factual. Wait until you've had a scan, tell him you expect financial support but his involvement is up to him.

Do you have family around you?

I wouldn't want him in mine or my child's life, if he's lied to a long term wife imagine how he could treat you. You and your baby deserve better than a lying, sneaky married man.

I would.
Nevermind him or his wife.

You and your child will be fine.

You're mad and frankly selfish to bring a baby into this shitshow. Think of how it will be for the baby to grow up in this? To have a father who is a known scumbag, for you to have to coparent with him and his wife who will likely hate you. It's just a disaster for the baby. It looks like your fertility issues weren't down to you. Give yourself a chance at a real life. Don't be caught in this mess forever more. This won't have a happy ending for you or the poor baby.

If you want the baby then keep it.

The circumstances are not ideal but then neither is having an abortion you do not want.

You haven't done anything wrong - please remember that.

Do not expect him to be happy

Do not expect him to contribute

Do not expect him to be involved

Bringing up a child is hard work with two parents. Let alone by yourself.

Absolute bollocks did you not know he was married. "Super private"... bet you never even went to his house did you? You were desperate for a baby, used him (of course he's not blameless either), and now are about to shamelessly blow apart a family and the security of some other innocent kids. Despicable, you and the idiot husband.

@SmilingHappyBeaver even IF you were right (which I actually do not believe at all), the only person responsible there is the dh.
HE chose to have an affair. HE chose to take the risk of a pg. HE has blown apart his family Wo a thought for his dcs security.
The OP hasnt put a gun on his head to force him to have sex and get her pg. So even if she knew, he is still the one responsible for the mess re his family. Even if she had been the one to pursue him, he could have said NO.

There is no reason to make the OP equally responsible there. Or to make her feel guilty. Because all the hurt to the dcs, his wife etc….which, you’re right, will be awful, is all down to HIM not keeping his dick in his pants.

Going against the flow slightly I have a family member who was raised in not totally dissimilar circumstances and it was quite damaging for them.
This man isn't a good choice for a father. This isn't a good situation to raise a child in.

It is doable obviously but far from ideal.

@SmilingHappyBeaver
i was waiting for someone like you to come along with this theory. So what do you feel she has gained from coming on mumsnet for advice on this situation by saying she didn’t know? She’s not a celebrity where it’s going to come out in the press and she can say ‘I didn’t know! I even made a mumsnet post as proof!’
Genuinely, what’s your thought process behind your conclusion?

It’s not selfish at all, you are not the married party…but I would very carefully consider if you can do it without child maintenance and if not, do you want him involved. You already know he is a liar and a cheater, do you want him having influence on how you raise your child?

You didn't use any contraception. You should've been using a condom to protect yourself from STI. You presumably wanted a child.

Op. You haven't done anything wrong. You were dating a man and you broke it off immediately when you found out he was married. If anyone has wrecked his family it's him not you so I think you should just concentrate on you and how you feel and not his family. Put yourself first and do what it best for you . Good luck and wishing you all the best. X

If you are keeping the baby and raising him/her alone, I don't see what is to be gained by telling his wife. And forget about pursuing child maintenance. That will make it worse for his wife, she will undoubtedly find out.
FYI, single parenthood is very hard and incredibly lonely so I wish you the very best. I hope you have family that will support you.

It may not be your burden - but it will become something that could deeply affect your child and you would be choosing for them to potentially have to carry that burden themselves.
That family includes their siblings and there is a greater chance of negative feelings towards you and your child by extension than positive ones. To them, your child may well end up being a reminder of their father's failings - and the likelihood of them believing that you didn't know he was married is slim.
So your child may not only have to endure rejection from their father, but their siblings too. To continue the pregnancy, you have to be ok with that reality and that potential pain being experienced by your baby. And if you lie to the child about their father, you'll be hurting them later down the line too when they inevitably find out.
At 33, you have other options, whether alone with a willing donor or by meeting someone that wants a family with you and won't treat your child like a mistake they wish didn't exist.

Personally, I'd like my child to have the best chance of happiness - life is hard enough as it is when that child is wanted and loved by both its parents.

❤️❤️

Have your baby. Get legal advice on having him pay child support to you. Hopefully this will be possible. What he tells his wife is his business. If he gets nasty at work then speak in confidence to a manager higher than him and you. If this person doesn’t exist then see on moving jobs. I know this isn’t fair on you but it might give you less stress.

And if the sperm donor or one night stand doesn't work? She gives up her one chance to be a mother but it's fine because he can carry on living his best life? No, he should have thought about his kids before he ejaculated into someone who isn't his wife.

2 months? How many times did you have sex? Did you go out to dinner, hotels, your house. Talk about his life? Meet up at weekends and go for a walk. He never told you about his wife and kids.
You chose to not use protection. You used him for a badly wanted baby.

She's done plenty wrong.

Trouble is they work in the same place, I’m sure other colleagues will already know they’re shagging, so they will definitely know who daddy is, when she announces she’s pregnant