Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

It's called thinking about the child, not yourself because I reaalllllly wanna baybeeeeee.

OP is certainly not thinking about the child. Any of them.

I get you're completely biased because you've been duped online by married men, and you can't post anything that isn't completely consumed by this standpoint and insisting poor OP, but this is poles apart from your online dating problems.

Anyone can read OPs posts and see the situation for what it is.

There is no way I could willingly bring a baby into this mess. It's not fair.

Same, each to their own, but no idea how anyone can think this is a good environment for a child.

But there is a marked difference between planning to have a baby, which I agree is madness. And not wishing to abort a baby that is already conceived.

I am pro choice so no judgement, but I understand that the difference is much more difficult.

If you think rhat women are going around knowinfly shagging married colleagues with the intention of conceiving, you're on glue.

Ffs. It’s not her job to verify whether the man is a lying cheat. It’s his job to present the accurate information. It would be bloody exhausting to confirm the relationship status of every man you ever date! Not to mention some of these suggestions would be frankly overbearing and insane for the beginning of a relationship!

Can we please stop blaming women for the inadequacy of some men please!?

Op I wish you all the best! You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on and will be absolutely fine having the baby alone. It will all come alright in the end!

Reading the posts, it looks like it’s you who is consumed with their own standpoint. Making all manner of assumptions about OP as if you were somehow present, rather than just an internet stranger. Bizarre behaviour.

I don't disagree, but it is important to think long-term IMO.

Raising a baby with no support, fighting for CMS and fighting to get your child a relationship with their father - all the while dealing with an angry/hostile wife/ex-wife and potentially other children - it sounds like hell to me.

How can people say everything will get ok and a great mother? Posters really don't know that.

My DD's Dad walked out when she was 1 but had a relationship with his other children afterwards. It has not affected her one bit because I explained that some people are not good people or parents, nothing to do with her. All on them.

Her step Dad is her Dad and always has been. Things happen whether it's through an affair or not. My step sisters father never bothered with them after divorce when they were young, he did with his second wife's children who (from what I hear) now are no contact with him because he's an asshole. My step sisters are adults now, very well adjusted and have fantastic lives with a loving family.

You sound so bitter and another one projecting.

The OP has family support. As for CMS and seeing the Dad, those are the things that she is going to need to accept. You don;t need to fight. You make a claim with CMS and they will deal with it. You do not fight to make a parent see a child they don't want to see, the child will know it's been forced. You age appropriately tell them that unfortunately not everyone is cut out to be a good parent. And I'm saying that as a parent who DID try to fight for my DD to see her Dad because I thought it was the best for her. Fruitless task and it wasn't the right thing for her. People will do what they want, that's life whether you were conceived through an affair or your parents were married when you were born. It's how the resident parent deals with it that's important.

@ImNotGivingAwayMyShot but it's not just you about dealing with it now - it's about the lifelong impact it'll have on the baby knowing her father likely never wanted her to begin with, and having to cope with having a whole other family that potentially want nothing to do with her.

Personally it's not a situation I could ever bring a child into and I do think it's pretty selfish.

My point is you never know even if married whether the other parent will stick around. I truly do understand other people's points when they have seen x,y,z, but that has not been my personal experience. I've given 2 examples of the Dad not sticking about and neither have impacted on the children because of the way they were brought up by the parent who did stick around.

Also apologies for my over use of the word stick!

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I'm sorry this man has done this to you, OP. But it's not you lobbing that grenade into his marriage - he did that entirely on his own. His wife and children deserve to know the truth about their husband/father. He will have to pay you child support for the baby he willingly conceived. Please stop feeling guilty, you have done nothing wrong. But he has, and it's time for him to pay.

Maybe, like the many wives who think their husbands wouldn't cheat on them , the OP didn't think this man would forget to mention he's married.

It's important to do one's due diligence etc, but a man that means to lie and hide will find a way to do so convincingly (until caught).

Yes, I remember going on a date with someone who then told me he had a girlfriend but was going to leave her...then tried to blame me when I got mad by saying 'well, you didn't ask'. Why would I ask? My assumption is you're single if you're going on a date!

Why the fuck would she need to explain her pregnancy at work? She doesn’t have to, pregnancy is a protected characteristic and whatever happens in her personal life had no bearing whatsoever at work for as long as she do her work properly.

And so what if they work out the baby is his? She is single, the one that is is a cheater is the married man.

obviously, many wives of cheating bastards prefer to blame the woman because it is much easier to blame a single woman than accept the man they married and have children with is not satisfied with what whatever he has at home.

Naturally, but you can see from this thread why he thought the onus was on you to ensure he was single. It's a woman's job 🤦🏾‍♀️

I was on a week long course once (residential). Meeting the women, they told you straight away about husbands, children. The men talked about their families at the departing dinner.

Well no, you never know anything for certain, but I do think there's a difference between choosing to have a baby in as decent a situation as possible (which then goes wrong), and deliberately setting out to have a baby in a situation that's already less than ideal.

Especially when the latter involves a married man, another woman and potentially other children who are all going to be impacted.

Of course she doesn't have to explain it, but humans are naturally curious so if she doesn't explain it people will try to figure it out.

I just don't know that I'd have the ovaries to work in the same office as the bloke whose kid I was carrying while not having a relationship with him, but whatever.