Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Nooo, really? 🙄

Women purchase donor sperm. It's a very common practice now.

You can use a consenting sperm donor

Congratulations OP! Absolutely you should keep the baby if that’s what you want.

Have you got support IRL? A village to help will be crucial!

I definitely wouldn’t tell him before 12 weeks.
I also wouldn’t tell his wife leave that to him you don’t need the drama

i would think carefully before you tell him though - how will you feel about 50/50 custody with your child going to stay with him and his wife? That’s a potential outcome.

So he and his wife have children of their own?? How old are they?

The reason I ask is this. I knew someone who was in this situation. She kept the baby and told him. He and his wife stayed together, and they absolutely went for it with contact. I would say it was his wife’s way of regaining control of a sort - they eventually got 50-50 by the time the child was about 4. She makes sure that it’s her the mother of the child has to deal with, she goes against her parenting, she bad mouths the mum, tries to make sure the child is as much ‘hers’ as she can and she does her best to make her life hell. He daren’t say a word: it’s his punishment.

The mother wishes to god she’d never told him it was his baby.

Not saying you shouldn’t tell him but please think through all the possible outcomes of doing so.

I know I will get flamed for saying this, but I would tell him I’m pregnant but it’s from a one night stand. Doubt he will want to believe it is his. Tell everyone else you’re doing it alone. Say nothing to anyone about him.

This baby will be loved and cared for. One loving parent and a simple family dynamic beats stress and toxicity. S/he doesn’t need the drama.

If when older s/he finds out via DNA I’d tell them you honestly thought someone else who you had no details for was the dad.

By that point they will be a well adjusted adult and able to cope better with a dodgey dad.

If he doesn't want anything to do with the child then that's easy, he pays CMS and you live your life.

You have to be ok with the other scenario, he does want contact, they don't divorce, and you have to see your child off every other weekend to spend time with them.

I personally wouldn't wait to tell him because I would want to know his position before deciding mine.

I don't think I'd bring a baby into this shambles of a situation to be honest.

This, you have nothing to be ashamed about. I would have no hesitation in keeping the baby. Where there is a will there is a way. It is up to the babies biological father how he wishes to proceed. His wife will find out you genuinely believed he was single so she won't blame you in the least. What will be will be.

By finding out youre pregnant.

If you feel ready and able to have this baby then you can and will manage.

I don't know enough about the father to know what I would do. I understand the posters who say that a child's life is blighted by having an absent / unwilling father. Well perhaps that could happen. Some children also suffer from the impact of living with domestic violence, parental disharmony or parents who otherwise can't manage even when there are two of them in theory. Single parents are enough, and extended family and other social networks can provide the extra support needed.

Do you want this man's money ( maintenance) ? Do you want him involved ?

Don't worry about the impact on him. It isn't your fault this happened.

Think about what you want and can manage. You will be OK whatever you decide.

This is your baby- he is not a priority here. You focus on what you want for yourself and your child, he will have to contribute financially and all the rest is his stress to deal with not yours.

Do not let worry about the impact on anyone else impact your decisions. All that matters is the impact it will have on you and the baby. What's to say he won't go and do this again with another woman or something else happens to separate the family.
I do think he needs to know if you continue with the pregnancy for the child's sake but there is no need to rush in telling him.
You can raise a child alone, many people do.

I understand wanting to keep it but I wouldn't tell him it's his..

It is entirely up to you whether you keep the baby or not. You are not the first person to be in this situation, and you won't be the last. Give yourself some thinking time before you say anything to him. Expect him to be angry, as he will be scared about his wife finding out. Certainly don't tell her yourself. Things to consider are whether you are happy to do this entirely alone if he doesn't want to be involved, or what you do if him and his wife want 50/50 custody.

Absolutely you need to make him aware, and need to tell him ASAP. But it’s not your job to tell his wife. Leave that to him. As long as he financially supports your child, whether he involves himself in the life of your child, or even if he shares the info with his wife, is his decision alone. That part has nothing to do with you.

Honestly, I wouldn't keep it if it's still early days.

You'd cause chaos in his family - I don't give a damn about him, but I would care about his children and his wife. They've done nothing wrong and this would be like exploding a bomb in their home.

He's not going to be any kind of father to your child. He's just not. He didn't even tell you he was married with children. He's a liar and a cheat. You really think you want your child around someone like that?

Any kind of access arrangements would be appalling for your child. They wouldn't be able to go to his family home. If he stays in your home there would be tons of resentment from both sides.

I am not about to blame you for anything but where did you think he lived during those several months? You obviously didn't go to his house. Didn't you think there was something wrong with that? Was he able to spend long weekends at your house? Were you able to call him at any time, night and day?

This!!

I know as many single parents as couples (and the couples are on the decrease as they start to separate...).

Good luck and congratulations!

Do not go anywhere alone with him,
men have been known to panic, that all I will say.

But I never understand the mindset that you have to protect the wife, she absolutely deserves to know. He will have to tell her, if he doesn’t then it will be up to you to message her at least.

Exactly this. The consequences of breaking up his family isn’t your burden to carry in the nicest way possible. It’s not your responsibility it’s his. Your child has as much as a right to know their father as his children with his wife. If it wasn’t you chances are he would have got someone else pregnant. You do what’s right for you! You can absolutely keep your baby

If you enjoy your job though I would be really careful about letting anyone know at work about it being his, apart from him.

Do you still work together? I think your colleagues are bound to work it out if he's off with you.

I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

No you aren’t

The cheating husband has potentially put a grenade in his marriage and that’s sad, his wife and children are blameless and so are you.

Personally I’d wait until after the 12 week point to tell him in case anything goes wrong.

But OP hasn’t done anything wrong either so why should she suffer an abortion that she doesn’t want? She shouldn’t.

it doesn’t matter where she thought he lived. We all know that a cheating man can spin a whole web of convincing lies