Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Congratulations OP! You sound like you are going to make a fantastic mum. Its a tricky situation you find yourself in following his deceit. You ended it as soon as you knew. Your conscience is clear. It takes two to tango. He knew what he was doing. Dont feel bad. I probably wouldnt say anything at the moment. You need to get your own head around this first xx

Good luck with your unexpected pregnancy and enjoy your beautiful baby. I was a teenage lone parent to my son and we had a wonderful life together just the two of us. Sadly the other biological parent was a monster in the early years and the courts had to stop all contact, he doesn’t even know where we live.

My best advice to you would be to move away, change jobs and keep the baby as just your baby. When they become an adult and maybe ask questions tell them the little you know then but not before, this is you and your baby time.

Hi sweetie how you doing

I would only name him on the birth certificate if you need financial support. If he is married with kids he may run a mile and not want any involvement. It’s up to him if he decides to tell his wife. Understand why you want to keep the baby though. Good luck.

This. I can't imagine the drama that all of this will cause in the long run. While the child is young it might be easier to keep a lid on it. But once the child starts asking questions, you'd have to tell the truth. Which will open a can of worms. I wouldn't want my child to have to deal with that.

Were you shagging him, calling yourself in a relationship with him and so would expect to know a little bit more? No? Then please understand the point.

i thought we had moved in from the 19th century and the idea of a child being a ‘bastard’ wasn’t as much of an issue…..

It seems harsh wording but it is just the accurate wording for a dc raised in this situation and it has a unique set of challenges associated with it.

Being the dc of a married man with another family isn't a good situation.

My personal experience of dc raised from such a situation is that it wasn't a positive thing for them. Regardless of the century we are living in.

I will agree that it seems a few posters have an agenda.

I don't think the OP should tell the ex that it is his, unless she HAS to have support from him. Chances are, it wouldn't be much and keeping him off the BC would be the wisest choice, as would be raising the child as if you went to a sperm bank.

How DARE you say that the event will not be joyful and happy because there is no "man" present! You haven't a freaking clue what you are talking about! If ONE person is happy that a child is coming into this world, then there IS joy and happiness.
The misogyny on this board from, what looks like(or I should say acts like), ex-wives whose husbands left them, is staggering! Whatever the reasons, too many bitter, misogynistic posters. Must be something in the water. How very pathetic of them.

It's certainly all about the "happiness" of one person...

It's OP that has the agenda.

In fact the decent thing to do for all the children involved would be to not tell the "ex" it's his. Saves her child from feeling like it's unwanted when daddy clearly wants the other children he lives with. Saves those children from going through a broken home. It's the lesser of two evils so to speak, when a PP pointed out what's worse, not knowing your father, or knowing he very much is aware of you but wants you nowhere near him and his family. That's what OP is putting on this child, by having an affair baby. That horse has bolted, but she could try and limit the effect on the child's life.

But OP doesn't want that, it's about her causing damage, who cares about the children. Right from the off she's champing at the bit about telling "HER" (the "crazy" wife, and the "grenade" she's going to throw into the family. She might have started with this faux pretence of "oh, whatever shall I do, I haven't decided" you only have to look at her language and subsequent posts to see she knows exactly and has done from the start. She's pissed that his existing children have dad and a nuclear family, so she's going to make sure she ruins that so they don't have "better" than her child. It will likely make zero difference to her child. But it will destroy the existing children.

And OP could choose not to do all that, for no gain to her or her child. But she's going too.

One person? REALLY?

I know tons of people who were raised by two parents who would have been MUCH better off raised by one. Or none. People who never felt love from either parent, just a tax deduction.

This child is already loved. If that is too hard for you to handle, tough cookies. Just stop trying to force the OP to see your way and ONLY your way as the right way. It isn't. Abortion is a big deal and not something to take lightly.

Too bad the married man who cheated on his wife didn't think of all the "what-ifs" before he got his jollies.

Many posters have NICELY told the OP that she should decide if she can raise the child alone, not telling the father or his family. I do think she should tell the father at some point, and make it clear that she expects nothing from him, or pretend she went to a sperm bank and tell the father nothing and raise the child that way. Then he can go back to his nice little life and wife, until the next time he screws around on wifey and has to sweat an unintended consequence.

After all, God forbid the man have to take responsibility for his actions!

The misogyny on this board from, what looks like(or I should say acts like), ex-wives whose husbands left them, is staggering!

But surely these are the very women who may well be dealing with the very difficult situation of their children not knowing or not seeing their fathers? If you are happily married you might not understand how hard life can be for children without a good father.

She can’t put him on it unless he’s there when she registers the baby which he won’t be.

I’m not sure that’s right. I didn’t register my children my dh did it. I wasn’t there. Unless it’s changed.

You were married. That’s the difference.

This. As if you can just put a man’s name down in his absence as the father when you aren’t married.

Couldn't agree more op. Think of what you knowingly will burden this child with, because it's ultimately you who will decide what to do. Why would you want to cause so much upset to those innocent children and wife? It is not your fault but you have the final decision to impact alot of people. This is a really tough one, you need to plan out your future and think what that will look like.

It's not about him taking responsibility.

It's about the issues for this child, raised by tonnes of people on this thread who have seen this story play out all too often. Some as the other woman, who's kid has abandonment issues and behavioural problems because of it, some as the affair baby who know how shitty it is to be resented by and denied by your half your family because your father couldn't keep it in his pants and your mother just wanted a baby, who cares what life you have, mummy wanted a little bundle.

He's not going to want this kid. OP is going to make sure the wife knows about it just to destroy the existing children's family out of spite. She can either ruin those children's lives and her child won't have a father, or she can leave those children in their secure family and her child won't have a father. And she's wanting to throw her "grenade". Nice.

He's a cheat. She hasn't had an accidental pregnancy by any means. That bits done, she planned it so there was never any question she was going to keep it, and frankly they deserve each other.

But it's now an independent active choice of OP to tell his wife. Which she will. And break the children's home, for nothing.

1. If I had been, he need only have lied.
2. The onus ought to be on the married man to stay faithful, not on the woman he wants to shag to check his marital state.

Women are not responsible for men's decisions to cheat.

She hasn't had an accidental pregnancy by any means.

Produce one scrap of actual evidence to support this.

What a stupid comment

Tell him
lies are no way to start this chapter of your life
he also has a right to know and your child has a right for an opportunity to know his or her siblings should he choose to tell his wife in which he probably will as you can’t just hide a child - if he wants to be involved then he will have to
wait until after the 12 weeks
you are not using him as a sperm donor why should you abort your child just because he’s married? Some nasty responses on here
I have been TTC for years . My ex told me to Abort our child and because I was vulnerable I went along with it and it’s made me suicidal ever since -do not do it.
if he doesn’t wanna be involved then so be it, and whether you choose to tell his wife is up to you -I would want to be told if my husband had fathered somebody else’s child. I wouldn’t want to live a lie
congratulations on your new baby. This will be very exciting time for you despite the situation. I hope you have lots of friends and family around you to help
I did it on my own with one child I was absolutely fine and you will be too xx

You haven't a clue what she will do in reality. Just making assumptions because she posted a "what should I do" with her thoughts.
I would bet she has zero plans to tell the asshole's wife anything, now that she has had time to read other's opinions. If she does do what she was musing about, then she'll deserve whatever crap comes her way.

Yes, some people have not had a good life having a child, especially as a single parent. There are also stories right on this thread from people who don't regret it a bit, and their child isn't a budding Ted Bundy. In fact, they seem every bit as stable as any other child.

Trying to coerce someone to have an abortion because of reasons that could or could NOT happen, is pretty fricking disgusting. Abortion isn't just a "whatever" thing and should be treated as such.