Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

I would keep it. You clearly want to. Wait till you’ve had a couple of scans and know everything is ok and then tell him. Her knowing isn’t your problem. You don’t need any stress while pregnant .

He is going to flip out when he finds out.

Not your problem, darlin'. Let him deal with it.

Solo mumming, though hard is so worth it. Mine's 33 now. All turned out well.

Your "village" will turn up. Believe it.

You will need to keep info on him though for when your child asks about their dad. You owe that to them. before they date their half-sister/brother

Congratulations on your much wanted baby. You can do it alone, it won't always be easy but it's definitely possible! You aren't throwing a grenade into his life, he threw it when he began the affair.

Don't tell him until you're at least 12 weeks, longer if you think he'll pressure you to abort.

Prepare that one of the following will probably happen:

1. He'll say he doesn't want to be involved at all and not tell his wife. (Shame for the baby to miss out, but it's less hassle for you in terms of having to 'share' your child. Don't put him on the BC in this circumstance, you can still claim CMS).
2. He'll tell his wife and they'll stay together. She will be just as involved as he is, and it could be hard emotionally if they went for joint contact (once baby is old enough).
3. He'll tell his wife and they'll separate. You might still have to share contact but you won't have to deal with the whole family.

It's a tricky situation, but you are not to blame for any of it! Children bring so much love and joy. I hope it all works out!

Are you really wanting all of this drama in your life for years and years to come? The ripple effect of this nightmare is going to go on for ages and ages. I know I would not want to bring a child into all this with a father who will most likely want nothing to do with them. What a legacy to start life with.

You could have a child on your own without all of this bullshit.

How do you go from being too embarrassed to tell anyone that you simply dated, and that you do not want any drama to then wanting to keep a secret affair with colleague baby ??

Oh dear

Do you have family? I'd tell them before you tell him. And when you meet to tell him, meet with some of your friends or family. Don't do any threatening to expose - sometimes people can become dangerous to cover up their secrets.

My opinion and it is up to you but if I really didn't want to be involved in drama, I would abort and I would be more discerning with who I date and double down my contraception.

It's not ok to use him as a sperm donor and think oh well I'll just raise this baby on my own, it is not this simple.

He’s unlikely to tell his wife.

His fault not yours.
You'd be doing his wife a favour if she finds out she's married to a slimeball

But

Do you want him in your life for 18y?

Unless she has no sight of the finances she'll see the child support....

His wife will probably stay with him anyway.

It's more than 18 years, he will be in her life as long as there is a child. At weddings, at funerals, still fucking tied together. Half siblings bitter at him. Why bring a child knowingly to single parenthood and to a toxic situation? Because of your age? Well too bad, not everyone has to have a baby.

You could have a child on your own without all of this bullshit.

She IS having a child on her own. That's the reality.

You can't just go out and buy one in the supermarket! @Aquamarine1029

My friend got pregnant by a man who forgot to tell her he was married. She kept the baby and he’s paid her child support since her son was born - his wife still has no idea the boy exists and he’s coming up to 16 now.

How the bloke has kept this secret so long without it ever coming out I have no idea.

Golly me neither. The poor child in all this.

This^^

If you want to keep the baby, you absolutely can. You didn't do anything wrong here - he did

First things first, get the proper checks done. See your GP, get the medical side sorted to make sure you are definitely pregnant and that you are medically ok.

If it were me, I would then wait until the 12-week point until telling anyone.

When that time comes, just tell him straight out. You don't need to break it gently or offer solutions or apologise, you can just tell him. You don't need to have any involvement at all with his wife, that's for him to manage.

Plenty of people raise a baby alone perfectly well. If that's how the situation pans out then I'm sure you are completely capable of being a single parent and a great mum. However I do think you owe it to the child to tell the father, to give him the opportunity to be an involved father.

Finally, no you are not selfish. Reading you background I can imagine how difficult this is for you (I wasn't able to conceive), so allow yourself to enjoy this baby. All of the relationship complications will eventually be resolved. You are going to be a mum - congratulations!

He isn't the father for only 18 years though. He will be the child's father for life.

I am not sure I would go ahead with this pregnancy, but of course each person will have their own situation to consider.

I think that if you really want this baby you should go ahead. However, you’re on your own. If you’re prepared to do this alone and support yourself and the baby, then go for it

This.

I’ve been in your shoes at 33.

In the end I had to think about the effect on the child of being brought into the world under such circumstances. Being conceived under deception (his not mine, bit still) and unwanted by its father even before it was born, treated worse than its siblings for no fault of his own. And saddling myself with a scumbag liar for 18 years, and a child with one for life. And even if I cut him out, the absence of a father has a monumental impact on the life of a child.

in the end I knew I would be selfish to do it, it would be purely for my satisfaction, but a child is not a toy.

At 33 you could meet someone else. I’m working on my self esteem and am glad I made a clean break.

💯- you are pregnant by a man you believed you were in an exclusive relationship with. The fact he’s a lying cheating arsehole is not your fault or that of your unborn child

Obviously upto you what you do. I wouldn't have the baby but if I did I wouldn't tell him. He may not want to be involved but if he does how much do you want to be connected to this man forever more. I know two people who got pregnant by the wrong person in the wrong circumstances and would have gladly paid any maintenance back they got over the years to not have to deal with them as the other parent anymore. Think carefully, once you tell him you can't untell him.

One thing at a time. If you want to keep this baby then you do that and that’s a decision made. You can do it alone, it’ll be hard but you’ll never regret having a child you love. Anyone else’s view on it is completely irrelevant.

You could wait a few weeks until you’ve had a scan maybe to tell him. You’ll be firmer in your own mind at that point too and he will more likely accept your decision to proceed with the pregnancy without an upsetting conversation. Leave him to tell his wife (or not).

You’ve done nothing wrong so hold your head high and don’t feel guilty.

When making decisions just think about what sort of life you want to build for you and your child to be happy.

This.