Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

Use him as a sperm donor?! They BOTH clearly had unprotected sex and he's the one who was secretly married. She didn't use him for anything, he used her as a bit on the side.

@pregnantandanxiouss you absolutely can bring up a baby alone. I'm 100% pro choice but I still find the 'abort because can't be bothered with the drama' comments really distasteful. OP clearly has wanted a baby for a long time so this shouldn't be seen as 'oh we'll just get rid of this one and I'm sure I'll fall pregnant again by some unknown person'. That's not how it works.

If you want this baby and know you will love and cherish them then have this baby. Only future 'drama' I could potentially see is if you think he is an unfit parent and he goes for contact, but all that is assessed and takes quite a while. I certainly wouldn't be worried that he may stay with the wife and she's involved as PP suggested! You could have been married to the guy for years then separate, any future partner would be involved with your child. They are human beings, not possessions! More people that love your child the better I always think.

And ignore anyone saying don't tell him. The CHILD has a right to know who their father is. After that you've done your bit. If he kicks off that's his (and unfortunately his poor wife's) problem. You can't control his reaction, that's on him.

Nope.

Do married men have tattoos on their head to say they're taken?!

I find it hard to believe you couldn't have found out he was married or at least living with someone! Social media photos/connections? Electoral list will show people living at the same address.

From the info given, we have no idea whether this guy whipped off the condom for some reason, or if the OP wasn't using any on purpose to get pregnant?

@Oblomov24 whatever the ops contraception situation (many forms of them fail), he's a grown man who could easily have chosen to make sure HE was protected from unwanted pregnancies.

I don't wear my wedding ring but still managed not to ride my co workers cocks.

Fault is with him

Oh please. You were there, were you? 🙄

If you are keeping the baby I'd wait until after 12 weeks. Then tell him. All you need to think of then is preparing yourself to be a mother. He needs to worry about telling his wife and about how he intends to handle the situation.

I know that once I start telling people, I will have family and friends rallying around me. It's just not how I imagined it would be. Even at my age, I still feel like my parents are going to feel so let down by this as I always imagined I'd be in a loving relationship and then we'd announce the pregnancy together etc.

I would never stop him from being involved in the child's life if that's what he wanted. I will love this baby so much, and if more people want to love my baby then that's great.

I rather think the OP would have noticed if he did! It's a bit of a giveaway!

Don't tell his wife. That's on him.

Exactly what I was thinking.
Keep the baby but be prepared for a big frigging shit show to explode.. these boards of full of cheated wives who discover an affair and baby to boot

Gosh - if it were me - this is not a pregnancy I’d go ahead with. He’ll be in your life forever, OP, and who knows how that will go? Sounds potentially awful to me. I don’t think 33 is “old” to meet someone and have a baby! Lots of my friends had babies late-30s/ early-40s.

But being a single parent is HARD. Being a single parent while dealing with all that fallout and shit from them? Urgh I would not want that. What about your baby? What if he decides to deny them and they feel rejected their whole life from their father and siblings?

Of course the decision is yours. It’s your body.

If you wanted to go it alone with a baby, I’d rather do a sperm donation.

Of course the fault is with him!

Congratulations on your future bundle of joy!

Don't make an immediate decision, (although I'd be fantasising about sending the good news in his wife's birthday card.)

Have your baby and say nothing, except to HR, and let people ask when baby shows, which will be 4 to 5 months. By then it'll be too late for him to demand or beg you to have an abortion.

Let him squirm.

Get legal advice. You need to know exactly where you stand. His wife will definitely find out. Someone is bound to tell her. When he runs screaming remind him that this is on him.

You decide (if you want) to have the baby and whether or not you want to acknowledge him as the father. If he tries to deny it, you can tell him to leave the area. He doesn't get to skulk off scott free.

OP, congratulations. You know what you want, and you will be FINE - it will be hard, but you can do it if it’s what you want (and it clearly is).

The love you have for your baby already is wonderful 🤍

As the OP could have also!!!

Don't tell him. I had two kids with the wrong man and 23 years later, he still makes my life very difficult.

First of all congratulations @pregnantandanxiouss. How wonderful to be expecting a child when you didn’t know if this was ever going to happen for you.

You absolutely can keep this child! I wouldn’t tell him until you’re much further along and then only as a courtesy/to tell him you’ll be expecting financial support.

Wishing you well with your pregnancy

First, congratulations on your pregnancy. If you want to keep your baby, do (and I'm firmly pro-choice, so I have no agenda here). I had an unexpected pregnancy with my first at almost the same age, and I don't regret keeping her AT ALL. I wasn't flowing in money, but I had a job and owned a home, and had my parents down the road to help me. She and her sister are the best things that ever happened to me. You get over the shock of it after a bit and life is just mothering.

This decision should not be about his wife at all. That's his problem. Of course, if he acknowledges his child and tells his wife, you can certainly be considerate of her feelings, but you had no idea the dude was married. NONE of that is your or your baby's fault. I'd put him on the birth certificate and he owes you child support, that much is clear. But don't let him pressure you to give up your baby so his life can be easy street. If you're 33, this might be your only chance and you'll very well regret it if you don't keep the baby. I might give different advice if you were a decade younger, but if you tried to have a baby in the past and it didn't happen, this little one might be your last chance.

@supercali77
That's right. He could've chosen to use protection.

So could she! Op. She wanted to get pregnant. She never used contraception. So that too was her choice.

OP, how often did you see him? Did you wonder why he couldn't stay over on a whim?

Why didn't the married man choose to wear protection? Or is it just the job of a woman? He trapped himself.

I think it would depend on how fertile you really are. That you tried for five months with an ex once and nothing happened means very little. For all you know he had the problem. Or you would have conceived on month six. Presumably you've been using birth control since. If I thought my fertility was okay - and I'd probably see a specialist to check - I'd have an abortion. This dishonest creep at your work would not be the person I'd choose to father my child if there was any choice about it and I can't see that he's going to step up to be any sort of father - at least not in a positive way. You are likely to be doing everything on your own and that's very hard. I mean, in the circumstances, will you want to stay at your job?

Me too. I wouldn’t want to be tied to a rat like that i any way shape or form. I’d go it alone. But would drop the grenade on my way out.