Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

How come work colleagues knew he was married and you didn’t?

What kind of awful advice is this. That's not your business to tell op what to do

I wouldn't tell him anything. I would just carry on growing your baby and let him figure it out himself. You already mentioned you're a private person, he took advantage of that. If he wants to reach out when you're about to drop, leave him to do the guessing and just focus on your own health.

But note that he will have a right to have the baby you have been growing inside you, birthing and keeping safe, overnight without you once they are a few years old if not sooner. Especially if you put his details on the birth certificate.

If you do not think you are ready for that, or want that to be when the child is old enough to be away from you overnight etc, you need to do your research now on how to make that work for you and your family.

All this ☝️ remember he's the cheat, you broke it off as soon as you found out, this is not a situation if your making

Can't believe you are so naive you didn't realise this man was married. Or were the signs there and you chose to ignore them. Especially as you work in the same place. The whole thing is a total mess up. He is also a total rat for being a duplicitous cheat. I think it would be really mean to tell his wife. She has done nothing wrong.

Now you must do what you think is best for yourself and baby.

I have a close friend who I could confide in and I will probably give her a call at the weekend once I've calmed down a bit and I'm not just a nervous wreck!
Thank you xx

Yeah imagine he turns really nasty and vindictive, I mean he's already a cheat, and then you have to let him have your baby 50% of the time... Big risk.

I wasn't embarrassed that I'd dated him as such. I was embarrassed that I'd been dumb enough to not realise he was married.

It wasn't a secret affair. I had no idea he was married.

Assuming this is not a Troll thread!!

If you are going to keep the baby, make up your mind firmly then wait until a termination is no longer possible before telling him - that's assuming you don't show- and he catches on.

You will then not face the mighty anguish of a man perhaps stressing you out day and night and subjecting you to mental and emotional manipulation to break you down and coerce you into having a termination so he can keep things cushy.

Also less stress means less risk of miscarriage.

I'd actually consider moving away and telling him once the baby arrives if possible personally.

Does her chance to be a mother trump the best interests of the child though? She has a choice, the child doesn't.
I know this can be argued so many ways and it is very much her body, her choice but I've always felt that the child's wellbeing should be the primary concern. There are just so many threads on here that suggest this would not be a situation that is fair on the child and could very well cause a lot of pain all round, including and most importantly, to that child.

We do still work together unfortunately. We are in different departments though and it's a high stress environment so I think people would just think he was stressed.

Just because he is a #### doesn't mean turning his family's life upside down is justified. I appreciate all the motivational speeches here but the reality is that having a child is hard for 2 people, harder for 1 person and even harder if there are step siblings and a broken family involved.

I'm really, really sorry this has happened to you.

I really want to be supportive, but I grew up with someone who was conceived under these exact circumstances, the father didn't handle it well at all (and neither did his wife) and it caused a lot of upset to her and her mum over the years.

Just really, really sit down and think about what impact this could have over your child's life - think through best AND worst case scenarios. And think about if this is the right thing to do, knowing you are making this decision on behalf of someone else to have their life set up in this way.

I couldn’t agree with this more, as someone who has been in the OPs shoes.

Honestly, and I know this wont be a popular opinion, but you are not a totally innocent party here. I just don’t buy all these ‘accidental’ pregnancies. Statistically it’s harder to fall pregnant than it is to not, so you can’t have been being very careful. That side of it is both of your responsibility. A few months is hardly a committed relationship.

This is a human child we are talking about, never mind his current children. Having a splintered relationship with their father/ the emotional pitfalls this situation will bring is one that I would think very, very carefully about. Whilst this is a shit show for the adults, the people who will suffer the most in the situation are all the children involved.

OP you need to think about the baby and not just yourself.

Harsh but true.

There's a very real chance that he'll want nothing to do with your child, how do you think that child will feel? There's a very real chance you'll lose your child to 50/50 custody, particularly just to stop you getting child maintenance. There's a very real chance that a stepmother who will inherently hate the existence of this child (not the child itself to be clear, but the representation of the affair) will be regularly in charge of your child. Siblings that live full time with their mum and dad, will likely think the same, there's "that kid" that isn't mummy's, there's "that kid" which is why mummy and daddy don't live together anymore. And then your child gets to watch a nuclear family, and only dip in and out of it. Disparities in household incomes may mean your child feeling like the poor relative, or the siblings being jealous. A child resented by a lot of people, through no fault of its own, but that won't make being on the receiving end any easier for them.

It's one thing to have a child in a relationship and think you will be a family forever, then a breakdown happens. It's another to choose that set up from the start. When a baby is an affair baby, there's a lot more to consider, from that child's perspective. Also, either he, or you is likely going to have to leave your job, and that's going to go down brilliantly in his household, and generate more animosity at your child.

I think you have to be a realist, and whilst it's lovely to just focus on "yaaaaay, I'm pregnant" you have to be truthful as to whether the future child would think "yaaaaay" to its life. It's not you that has to bear the burden of the decisions you have made. This is a real human being who will have to live and be moulded by the circumstances you choose to bring it in too. It's not just a baby for you because you want one.

I agree with PP that if you are insistent on keeping the pregnancy, then you say it is someone else's. Yes, that means no child support. But it does mean you're not destroying the family of existing children, and bringing all kinds of issues on to your future child because of how they came to be conceived.

Think hard about it.

I had a baby when I was in my early 20s with a man who was married. He covered it up well and pretended he was separated with 1 child. He used to take me to his friend's place and pretend it was his. Turns out he was married with 2 kids. I got pregnant earlyish on in the relationship. I suspected he was a bit of a liar before everything came out. To try and keep the story short, I had my baby and she is 29 now and has been a light in my life. I adore her, always have. There wasn't much drama after having her. Dad was around from time to time each year but never had much of a relationship with my daughter. I never had any interaction with his wife but i suspect she may have been aware of what he was like. They actually had a couple more children but eventually she must have seen the light and he moved abroad. My daughter met some of his children when they were tweens/ teens. Got on better with them than him! He also had another child with someone else maybe 5 years after mine was born. Again, my daughter met that child as an adult and they get on. Who knows what will happen in your situation but there doesn't necessarily have to be drama! Another thing was, I actually enjoyed being a single parent. Granted, I had a lot of support from my mum but its quite nice bringing up your child the way you want to. I've had one other child since and while it's obviously great having 2 parents around and daddy being there and helping, sometimes we do disagree on how to raise our child! You want this baby...you should absolutely have it. He lied to you. Nothing else matters now except what you want.

Op I am so sorry you were lied too in this way he's a disgusting human.

What do I do? you do what you want

• Can I raise this baby alone? yes you could but explore your options first* How do I tell him? be honest How do I tell HER? again be honest and if your telling him id give him a time limit to tell his wife before you tell her she needs to know i selfish to go ahead with this? no but be ready to go it alone
• He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? possibly however its his fault as much as it is yours that a baby happened, he knew he was cheating you were unaware. I would tell him yes *
• Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? personally if i was keeping the baby yes I'd wait So much can happen between now and then right? yes100% but first you need to get your head around everything.*

This isn't your fault you didn't know he was married HE knew. He did it anyway.

We work in different departments. No one in my department knows much about him at all. One of women in my department even asked if we reckon he's single or not as he never speaks about his personal life. This was some time before I started dating him.

I would definitely go ahead with the pregnancy, but I agree with PP you shouldn’t tell him for as long as possible.

Regarding his wife, you say they have children? Assuming they are his, they will be your child’s siblings so I really think there’s a need for honesty at some point. I would take it one step at a time though.

Firstly, confide in your trusted friend and get all the support you can.

Tell him when you’re at the point where it’s unavoidable. Have baby, DNA test, CMS claim, see how things go. No rush.

He didn't wear his wedding ring to work?

Myself, if I could afford it, I'd have the baby and not tell him. I absolutely wouldn't tell her, it's not your responsibility. But I'm quite afraid of cheating men's reactions to being exposed having had a really bad situation with one who concealed his LTR from me.

Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to hear a positive story. I know I'm going to love this baby so so so much.

You deliberately chose to not use protection every time you had sex. to deliberately trap him.

He consented to sex. Sex can lead to pregnancy. Ergo he consented. Once the sperm left his body it was no longer under his control.