Ex has Texted 🙄

[LilacButterflies]

Hello!

I was in a relationship for 6 years and 2 years ago he just disappeared. We didn't live together because I have a child and I didn't want him living with us. I didn't really have any plans tbh, was just enjoying it all.

He met DD after 3 years and was actually brilliant with her, his mum and family were also lovely towards us too.

So on a Tuesday AM 2 years ago he left mine for work at 5am and it's the last time I saw him.

I realised at around lunchtime that I had been blocked. I got a txt that night from his best friend saying:
"* has dumped you. Do not attempt to contact him across ANY channels or his family or friends!!!!!!!"

I didn't try to BTW, I was too embarrassed. I just deleted his number and avoided his area as best as I could.

Anyway roll on to work this arvo and I get this message:

Him: "Hey me how are you? How's DD?"

Me: "sorry who's this? I don't have your number in my contacts"

Him: Ben.

I haven't replied and just deleted his message but shit after 2 years and the way i was dumped it was so unexpected.

My friends think I should have replied.

Are you 100% certain your DC's father did not somehow have a hand in Ben's bolting?

Omg that's dreadful. His behaviour is just appalling. I think I would have to have a friend reply and say ' do not attempt to contact me across any channels'. So sorry this happened it's completely unacceptable behaviour from him all of it. The only thing I can possibly think in the alternative is that he had some sort of breakdown. But the friend should really have informed you as to the reason x

Dont give ben a thought.

but be more concerned about your dd‘s dad.

Change passwords on everything and log out of every device. change your phone and your number. Be more concerned that your ex is stalking you.

@ComoSeDicePepino

This sounds very interesting. Could you please share the YouTube link on here? (If so, if you could @ me that would be great). Thanks

What's that face for?

Nope I can't be certain of anything but at the time I don't believe Ben was scared of my ex.

Again if he did do something I can't change that if I wasn't told at the time.

To be clear, I'm not trying to make Ben the villain, from my own POV and experience with him he wasn't scared of my ex.

He didn't like the way he was towards me but seemed to accept the way it was.

All in all, my life is easier when I'm single.

There's no point trying to remove dds dad from my life, I have tried many fucking times, he will never give up and without going into great deal I have ZERO faith in any police force.

Thanks to all the replies on the thread.

*Thanks for all the replies

‘Hoovering’, I believe? Like they discard you and then when it suits them they try to suck you back in with manipulation. Dicks.

One of my all time favourite threads!

@LilacButterflies
Literally nothing you have written about dd's dad is normal - nothing.

Just because you are used to it, does not make it normal. How long have you been apart?

He's ok with you as long as you are single 🚩🚩🚩
He introduced you the other day to a colleague as his partner 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He tracked (tracks?) your movements and communications 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

TBH if I were you, I would let your DB talk to Ben to see if your ex was involved in the break up. Your ex cannot/ should not have this hold on your life

Sounds like your ex left you for another woman, he’s now been dumped (or at least it’s ended) and he’s sniffing around for a shag.

You’re well rid, don’t text back. You did the right thing by deleting the text messages.

At least you have the pleasure of knowing he’s trying to crawl back - block, block, block

Jesus, OP, forget about Ben, your ex sound dangerously unhinged.

I don't say this lightly but he sound like the type to snap one day (boyfriend or not) and decide that if he can't have you, no-one can...

I agree that the police are often shit and you'll have your own experience of that which may or may not merit another try with them, but please, please, have a good think about steps you can take to protect yourself, starting with seriously investigating the monitoring of you and your movements.

OP, have also revised my opinion of Ben. It’s clear the real reason why you won’t contact him is you know your crazy ex has something to do with his sudden disappearance. It all adds up. And as soon as posts here have pointed that out, you start getting defensive which is your body not being able to face the truth it knows.

I know you’re resigned to living as though you’re a trapped animal and can’t see a way out. That’s coercive control at the max. I know it’s hard given he’s a cop, but they’re not untouchable and there must be avenues to flag this, esp now after what happened to other women.

Please let your DB see what Ben has to say. You know to ignore it if it’s hoovering, but under the circumstances it might be something else. It sounds like you just don’t want to know if it IS something to do with your ex?

Good advice

Why do you think? Go on, have a good old think about why someone would put that face under your comment

Here's another face - 🙄

I'm also not clear on why you put a thinking face there? Could you respond without the snarky "go on, have a good old think" attitude that the OP doesn't deserve?

Of course not. That poster frequently trolls others with immature, unhelpful and sniping comments: the name clearly sticks in mind from earlier threads. It seems to be a passtime for some.

Returning to the topic of the thread: OP, the updates about your first controlling ex are concerning, but I'm at a loss to understand why some other posters think this apparently exonerates 'Ben'. It makes no difference if it transpires he'd been warned off by DD's father. His arrogance, the manner of his callous dumping, and his escalating (and very worrying) persistence in contacting you are a concern. Trust your own instincts, not Mumsnet, on this. Your inclination is not to contact him: follow it and don't swayed by the PPs who have changed their opinion and now believe he's worthy of a conversation. The fact that the first man is an arsehole doesn't let the second man's arseholery off the hook.

But that's now two men you've consecutively been in a relationship who have displayed worryingly controlling, manipulative behaviour. It might be worth considering therapy to try to unpick this, and you're also wise to steer clear of becoming closely involved with anyone else until you're confident this has been addressed.

As far as your posts reveal, you have a good head on your shoulders. Trust yourself.

Thanks SerafinasGoose, it struck me as callous.

On the point of the ex and Ben it isn't logical to give Ben the benefit of the doubt because:

1. If he had been threatened off, that in no way explains why his sister and the MOH were so cold and transacting with the OP, why no one else reached out, or the tone of the best pals message. Even with a threatening ex, Ben had choices in terms of communication and he chose the cruelest methods.
2. If the assumption is that the ex lied in some way to turn Ben against her, his immediate change and refusal to outline the issue or allow the OP to explain is unforgivable, especially as the OP says Ben was well aware of the ex.

I dont doubt the ex is a significant problem, and it's a separate point but the OPs acceptance that his control over her is just to be expected is really worrying, but it doesn't make sense that the ex did this when you consider the wider treatment of OP.

Even if OP's ex threatened Ben, he disappeared without as much as a word of warning/ advice, so is still of no use to the OP now. Not two years later.

I do agree @Dweetfidilove I am not dismissing what Ben did, however, it would confirm that the ex is the biggest threat.

That's why I am saying OP's DB should get in touch with Ben

He's scary indeed. It worries me that OP has just accepted him as is, but I'm hoping she will extricate herself from that horror story too.

I'm getting more in agreement that a third party, your DB, fielding his messages and finding out what he wants might be useful.

Because I also agree that the exP cop is the real issue here.

@LilacButterflies I saw him at work yesterday and he introduced me to his colleague as his partner, and it sounds so shit to admit but I'm used to that. I know he won't ever change.

A putin convention in Moscow has less red flags than the above paragraph . This man is either deluded or not right in his head.