Ex has Texted 🙄

[LilacButterflies]

Hello!

I was in a relationship for 6 years and 2 years ago he just disappeared. We didn't live together because I have a child and I didn't want him living with us. I didn't really have any plans tbh, was just enjoying it all.

He met DD after 3 years and was actually brilliant with her, his mum and family were also lovely towards us too.

So on a Tuesday AM 2 years ago he left mine for work at 5am and it's the last time I saw him.

I realised at around lunchtime that I had been blocked. I got a txt that night from his best friend saying:
"* has dumped you. Do not attempt to contact him across ANY channels or his family or friends!!!!!!!"

I didn't try to BTW, I was too embarrassed. I just deleted his number and avoided his area as best as I could.

Anyway roll on to work this arvo and I get this message:

Him: "Hey me how are you? How's DD?"

Me: "sorry who's this? I don't have your number in my contacts"

Him: Ben.

I haven't replied and just deleted his message but shit after 2 years and the way i was dumped it was so unexpected.

My friends think I should have replied.

Respect to you OP. Keep your boundaries high. You might also want to rethink the friendship with a woman who wants you to reengage with an abusive ex and who also sees your single status as an issue.

I'm glad to read your last sentence, OP, because the dogged persistence he's showing in attempting to contact you is starting to sound concerning.

That you are absolutely clear you don't care about 'closure', or have any curiousity about what he might want, both strengthen your position. Don't let him divest you of what is giving you the real power here, and that is your silence. As the saying goes, 'no response is a response'.

It's vital that you maintain this silence and don't be tempted to send one response telling him to leave you alone. All the advice on stalking warns that if you persistently ignore the attempts of these men to contact you, and then respond on, say, the 50th ring, you've just taught them that it will take 50, 100, 200, or however many attempts, to make you respond.

Absolutely don't. All the advice about these types is to give them precisely nothing.

This might not have escalated to stalking yet, but his behaviour is starting to come close and his absolute refusal to leave you alone - even coming to your previous address - is sounding loud warning klaxons in my head. Are you certain that he can't find out where you are? Either way a ring doorbell might be a sensible precaution. And 'friend' is someone I'd be keeping my distance from too, at least for the moment.

Ask me how I know.

Wow.

I might have been tempted to just say "Ben? I don't know anyone called Ben". Then block.
But silence says it all. He sounds like an absolute cunt. And I hate that word but it's the only one appropriate for your ex!

My ex did very similar @LilacButterflies. We had been together for a couple of years, he was amazing with my dd. We went to a mutual friends party one Saturdsy before we were meant to go out with some other friends on the Sunday. He decided he had stuff to do and went home on the Sunday and I have never heard from him since. Not even a dear john from a mate. He has literally ignored me.

I am not sure how I would feel if he tries to reach out now. I think it would feel like a gut punch. I would probably flit between anger and upset.

I suppose the only justifiable response to "Ben" would be along the lines of "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I know a Ben, do you have the right number?" And then block.

Hope you are ok.

How daft would that be though. Pretending you’ve had some form of medical issue and forgot a partner.

Your closure is knowing you came through it. Don’t even give him a second thought. He’s an asshole.

I would have thought it would come across more as sarcastic really! Where on earth did you get 'pretending youve had a medical issue' from??

After what he did......He doesn't deserve a response. You have my full support, OP.

To quote my sainted mother: "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire'.

I did block him after his message saying "Ben"

I am still in contact with my old neighbour's, they are actually really great people and I don't think her husband was being malicious.
And tbh, if he was, I don't care.

They knew what had happened with him.

My ex tells everyone we are together. I probably sound blasé about him but I've known him since I was 18, he's dds dad, he'll always be in my life.

I'm not a pushover with him, but there's no doubt he's better now I'm single.

Apart from Ben and my ex's "revenge relationship" with my old colleague, we've both stayed single. I don't know whether he'll ever move on or not.

I'm not raging on the police, but believe me when I say they are the LAST people I would ever turn to regarding him.

He's never been violent, so I must admit when someone further up thread called him my abusive ex I was like, no he's not.

I am not worried about Ben white-knighting it here, my neighbour's wife said that he asked her husband if we were happy and he said yes.

Hahaha I love that one! Maybe I'd put him out with gasoline.

I called him abusive. That was my interpretation of ending a long-term relationship by ghosting a woman without explanation, but I admit perhaps I threw the word in too lightly, apologies if so OP.

Sorry no Ben wasn't described as abusive, dds dad was.

My post further upthread in regards to not going to the police is about my dds dad who is a cop.

I should have clarified that but was trying to respond on one go.

I've referred to Ben as Ben and dds dad as my ex so sorry if that's been confusing.

I called your dd's dad abusive because of what you wrote below. He sounds completely unhinged.

There's a huge fucking backstory with her dad, he is the reason I never want to live with a man again.
He's a police officer and is a controlling fucker and I left when I was 22 weeks pregnant.

Over a decade later he still wants us to get back together and when I moved back here he brought a house on the same street as my auntie.

I didn't tell him about Ben for 2.5 years and when I did he went fucking berserk.

He started dating one of the other nurse's at work and was a nasty cunt to her.

Weirdly he stayed away from Ben but made plenty of threats about him to me.

I know, i know but I suppose its because he's never hit me.
Right at the start when I went to the police, one of the woman cops said to me "he's never hit you has he? He loves you"

@LilacButterflies I think you’ve handled this perfectly. What an utterly egotistical, arrogant, self-centred twat-waffle. Who does he think he is to so casually message out of the blue 2 years after ending things in such a heartless and totally spineless way? Waste no more of your time or energy on this pathetic dangling ballbag.

@020LOLZ and what’s wrong with Capricorns??

There are laws against coercive control. Abuse is not just physical. You would have a strong case if you have evidence that he tracked you and monitored all communication. If you think he is a danger to women you should report him, don't let one reaction put you off.

What he has done to you sounds completely fucked.
He seems ok with you as long as you're single.
He still wants to go out with you and tells people you are a couple.
He bought a house on the same street as a relative.

This is completely beyond the realms of normal. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he had something to do with Ben just ghosting you

I know what he's like isn't right but I guess it just feels normal to me.

I saw him at work yesterday and he introduced me to his colleague as his partner, and it sounds so shit to admit but I'm used to that. I know he won't ever change.

It's weird I suppose, because he's not horrible to me now like he was when I was in a relationship. Now its flowers and gifts and shit like that.

Our paths cross at work sometimes and I see him in that capacity, dealing with women that have been violently assaulted by their partners and he doesn't seem like an abuser.

He's not a danger to another woman if I stay single.

If dd dad had access to your messages and reacted on your behalf, I’d put money on him threatening Ben to leave you alone.

If he’s tracking you, that isn’t a tale for another day. That’s scary.

I’m not convinced now, that Ben is the villain in this story.

It's weird I suppose, because he's not horrible to me now like he was when I was in a relationship. Now its flowers and gifts and shit like that.

This scary. He definitely had something to do with bens disappearance.

Agreed

Yes.

Feel like you've buried the lede here OP. You have an abusive man in your life who won't allow you to have a boyfriend.

I'm revising my opinion of Ben - it sounds quite likely he was terrorised by your ex.

I saw him at work yesterday and he introduced me to his colleague as his partner

🤔🤔🤔🤔