If you are a ‘professionally accomplished’ woman, how do you meet men?

[ElleintheWoods]

Just to pre-empt, I don’t think ‘success’ (titles, possessions and other things society sees as such) matters and everyone is the same. However, more and more, men and people in my life seem to highlight that it still does matter in today’s society.

In my 20s I was a top 10 university graduate working in corporate London with HNWIs, so I used to think everyone was like that and that was normal life (young and naïve, sorry!). I’ve had 2 significant long-term relationships (5+ years) and a few shorter but still serious and enjoyable ones. Never really had bad experiences with men.

I then took a step back and moved to the countryside. I’m quite a friendly and bubbly person. However, I’ve found that men see me as a bit of an alien once they get to know my background. I play my background down a lot now that I’ve found it can alienate people, but obviously things do come out once you get to know someone/ people have Google. I was in a long-term relationship with a mechanic and he would make ‘how the other half live’ comments as a joke regularly. He was also ashamed of his house and family initially. I’ve also had the ‘why would someone like you want to be with someone like me’ comment from more than one guy. Frustratedly, I asked a male friend why guys like him don’t pursue me even though they seem interested and he said ‘I’d feel like I’m punching a bit/ long-term I’d feel lesser than you’.

So it seems that although I was open to dating anyone, it doesn’t seem many men are open to dating a woman who is more professionally accomplished than them. I’m also from Denmark where ‘class/ background’ generally is a lot less at the forefront of people’s minds and it’s common for women to be dominant.

Then I met someone who seemed perfect. Committed to the mission of using his skills to improve people’s lives, had worked abroad like me, on the board of a household name company, very varied interests, deep thinker, similar childhood experiences. We had what I’d regard as the perfect relationship – theatre, shows, weekends away attending cultural events and exploring new places, good food, talking about ideas, philosophy, politics... I could be fully myself around him and share the same values. My favourite moment in our relationship was a few weeks in when he had a huge presentation at work and he called me afterwards and talked about it for an hour – it may sound boring but I knew then this was someone I could relate to. It also made me feel close to him that I was the one he wanted to share his accomplishment with.

Ultimately it did not work out but it got me thinking... I felt much more ‘at home’ with someone like that than where I had tried to force a relationship with someone very different and had to lock away parts of myself to fit in with their family and friends. So maybe it’s just easier for me to try dating men who aren’t ashamed to be ambitious and want to make a difference in society, and who like arts, classical music etc

So 2 questions to the thread:
1. If you are ‘professionally successful’, how do you feel that affects your personal life?
2. Where have you met men that pique your interest/ you’ve settled down with?

I feel that being professionally successful in a finance career and having degrees from Oxbridge make me part of a very small % of the population in the UK generally, and I feel out of place outside my friendships/work. When I meet new people outside of work/friends people can be fairly judgmental in that they assume I display certain characteristics etc because I am different from them. Needless to say I haven’t managed to make friends through hobbies/classes etc where I have met this type of attitude. So I totally hear how you feel because I have felt that way for a long time.

Dating has been a disaster and I am still single in my 40s. Once someone finds out my degrees/occupation typically this is the end of it, and a few relationships ended due to lifestyle disparities. My friends either met someone at work/in the same profession (banking/law) after university or are still single. Most men who are similarly educated and potentially have similar interests such as art/theatre/classic music are married early on - statistics shows a correlation between high levels of education and marriage rates. I went to a conference earlier this week and not a single man over the age of 30 wasn’t married. So unless I decide to have an affair at work I just don’t see my status changing any time soon.

Interesting, and thanks for your reply.

Yes, actually, such degrees and working at certain companies isn’t ‘just everyone’, it is actually a small % of population, and it was just that I was used to everyone in my family/ school/ uni being like that.

I’ve not really been single before and I thought it was just a myth that men wanted to be the higher status, higher earner in relationships or would care about such things. In 2024? In my family at least for 3 generations the women have been the high earners and again, it’s been drilled into me that no man wouldn’t take anyone without an advanced degree seriously. So I find it funny coming across the opposite challenge!

But equally, should people pretend to be something they aren’t for the sake of a relationship?

Elite Singles

Hmmm I dunno, would feel out of place on something calling itself ‘elite’. I can just imagine it being full of people who genuinely think they are better than everyone else. I’ve also tried OLD a bit and decided it’s not for me for various reasons.

Have you tried it? What’s the verdict?

"Elite Singles" is full of men who are anything but "elite".

I found my intelligent, accomplished DP while I was travelling by myself doing multi-day hikes. He was also travelling by himself doing muti-day hikes, which showed me that he was independent and had similar hobies. Then we got talking and he showed me he was intelligent, interested in matters of the world, had a history with some long relationships in it and was respectful. We kept in touch and a relationship developed.

Not helpful because we met each other by pure chance, but I guess if you put yourself out there doing what you enkoy doing, you are more likely to find men who are similar. Until then I had been single for 4.5 years and quite happy about it. So the other secret is to be happy with yourself so finding a partner does not become an obsession. I am really happy in my relationship, but I know I would be really happy without it too. This knowledge makes you truly free.

I agree with pp. I have a high status job and found myself single after a very long relationship in my late 40s. I met my boyfriend of 2.5 years out dancing - we are both really into house music events. He's completely different to me in terms of social class etc, he's not intellectual at all, but we have so much fun together and he's very proud of my job.

I think people just naturally gravitate towards their own kind, the same likes, traits, interests, backgrounds, experiences, etc

and I don’t think it really matters if they are men or women, people just seem to want to be their own kind, maybe for men that’s a bit easier as they tend to bond over clubs, sports, pastimes etc

maybe just go with your hobbies and put your educational background to one side as will “scare off” lots of people ( men and women), who might think that you are going to somehow “move clever “ or “better “ than them

This is so cliche but I married my boss!!!! He’s actually from a much lower socio economic background than most people who work in our industry and I had never planned to end up working in finance so we always had in common that we’d accidentally found ourselves in this world by being genuinely interested in it and both having a real drive to better ourselves and I guess beat our economic backgrounds. It meant we had a very similar value set e.g both keen on financial security. Despite being from opposite ends of the country, every time we spend time with each other’s parents we can’t believe how similar our parents are!

We then found out we both love a deep and meaningful/intellectual conversation- he has amazing emotional intelligence, whereas I am “book clever” but neurodiverse and that lead to some really interesting conversations. Along the way we also found out some more fun stuff like similar taste in music/TV and some differences- he told me he would never travel as he didn’t see the value and didn’t see the value in cooking. But he’s actually more open minded than he claims- I took great delight in planning our first break to be something we would both enjoy and he’s got into cooking and food and is now probably better than me! That open mindedness has give us great joy as it means we have fun exploring each other’s interests.

He’s definitely no longer my boss- he moved departments in order to pursue our relationship and that was a huge marker of his values and commitment.

Thank you, I like this response.

I have quite a fulfilling life, friends, I’m hardly ever home as I like to live life to the fullest - which has also made me realise I’m not really compatible with someone that wants to stay in and watch tv. Happy single and wouldn’t settle unless I met someone that actually made me feel butterflies - but that doesn’t tend to happen for me unless I really get to know them over time and fall for their personality and conversations.

Rambling a bit off topic now, but when I do venture to the outside world men certainly talk to me and seem to take an interest. I’m just afraid of ‘settling’ again. Especially knowing that the kind of guy that you’re describing is actually out there in small numbers.

I see older couples that browse bookshelves together or go to political talks and engage in interesting debates and think ‘now this is what I’d like to have’. So I’m trying to spend more time in these circles because these things interest me, but also with the hope that expanding your social circle in the right direction may lead to meeting someone I really like.

Does any of this make sense? 😊

That’s such a lovely story, I’m pleased it’s worked out well!

Think work is actually a really good way to get to know someone properly. It can also be a real minefield though!

In my / DH’s social circles (sounds very similar in terms of profession / hobbies / interests), thinking about how the couples met:

several have been together since meeting at university (not helpful I know!)
several met at work / work related events (two met at conferences eg, but both in academia)

one couple met doing a hobby at a high level (niche sport)
one couple met online dating (early days of Bumble I believe)
one couple met online on a forum about a shared interest
one couple was introduced by friends
one couple met volunteering with a local branch of a political party
one couple met when both trustees at a local charity
one couple met on holiday (a group tour of Antarctica)
one couple met at another of the couples’ wedding
one couple met when their kids were friends

Thank you! I suppose because of living rurally near industrial cities, there isn’t a big community of similar people here - unless they’re about 30 years older! I have a male friend nearby and he says he also struggles to find women with common interests.

Also because of being from abroad where people are more ‘mixed’ regardless of family background, I haven’t fully understood/ accepted that having particular interests such as classical music are linked to a particular educational/ socioeconomic background.

Most of my female friends here have no degrees but are curious about the world and have drive, so that’s never come between us, but men seem to explicitly point it out! I’ve genuinely had ‘I feel like I’m not good enough for you’ from more than one guy - during the process of trying to date me as though it was some kind of compliment?!

I like those, and I’ve done the first 2 - thank you 😊

I’m a member of a niche hobby group and am thinking about volunteering in politics - neither is to meet men but I’m also interested in expanding my social group to people with similar passions more generally.

As your list testaments, I don’t think there’s one particular way to meet people if you don’t want to do OLD, maybe it’s just about putting yourself into spaces where people with similar interests gather.

I really like literature and move in these circles but equally I realise they are very female heavy!

I met DH at Oxford, and several of our friends also met there. Of other friends and acquaintances — through work, doing a serious wine tasting course, rowing, via their YA children, sailing, professional networking events, doing an ultramarathon, in a bar, via a hillwalking club, at a music festival. One couple got together when they both got awards at the same dinner (while both married to other people), one was a curator whose new museum building got an award, and met at the ceremony the architect whose practice had designed it, and now they’re married.

I definitely think expanding your social group will never hurt, finding like minded people and getting friendly opens up the other people in their social circle too, so it can become a bit of a snowball effect!

Me and DH met at university and actually do very different jobs which on the surface look like a weird match, but we share the same drive to be gaining new knowledge and we value so many of the same things.

my best friend is in a fairly new relationship (about a year) post-divorce. On the surface it looks like an odd match compared to her ex, new boyfriend is a gardener, ex husband works in the city. But, new boyfriend shares many more of the same interests whereas ex husband was only interested in work, golf and his friends from university. They’re the couple who met when their young DC were friends.

So I do think there are situations where family background / profession don’t necessarily match with interests. But I guess that takes time to find out.

In terms of literature as an interest, I guess it depends a bit on the genres you’re interested in. We go to quite a lot of author talks / signings / Q&As through our local independent bookshop, there’s usually a mix of men/women there and there is often a bit of time for mingling before or after with a glass of wine.

I think men like to think they can “offer” something or “bring something “ to the relationship ( quite naturally really) .

but if you are at the top of your profession and well educated and travelled etc , that offer might feel a bit “empty “

a bit like offering flowers to someone - who it turns out has there own hothouse and grows them

Editing as posted twice. Highlighting my professional incompetence

On the other side, I’m now wondering if you need to be professionally accomplished as a woman to attract the same?

Some men feel threatened by a woman who happens to be bright.

They can't cope, the poor lambs.

I saw something on FB recently - "every man says he's a sapiosexual until he meets a woman more intelligent than him."

Men I've been with recently (50s) have been attracted by my widespread general knowledge and curiosity about things, though one guy I was seeing just for sex thought I should get rid of of all my books, (I already knew he wasn't relationship material.) I've met them through OLD, but I suspect that if we'd met in our 20s, we might not have got together. Obviously I can't know that, but having heard about their exes, they don't sound like me nor look like me.

There are highly educated successful men out there, but they can be challenging to find. I don't really know the answer.

I don't think so, at least not for all men, because they are often happy to feel more accomplished and more intelligent than someone they're with. I think shared values and outlook on life are very important though, and if you ignore that in favour of looks or something, it's going to cause issues down the line, because you just won't relate on various things.

No advice I'm afraid, but this is well-recognised in China. The "A" men want "B" women, "B" men want "C" women, etc. The "A" women get left over.

In the UK, I think the "A" men usually want "A" or "B" women. Most "B" men don't want "A" women. So "A" women still have an uphill battle.

I do understand totally where you are coming from op!
not exactly the same situation because I am from a very working class background (parent left school at 12, free school meals etc)

but I went to an ex-private school and worked my way up to Masters level (25 years ago when it wasn’t as common) and dated men from university which was short term. Then I bought my own home, flipped it and bought a better one. Got promoted at work and men I dated (tree cutter, store worker I dated for 7 years) used to make remarks to put me down.

anyway pre internet I met my now dh (graduate from top uni in our country) in a bar but if it were now I would certainly go for internet dating or sports clubs with a group of people who also worked hard to get where they are.

OP this is a difficult question to answer without being snobby.
A lot of people, professional or otherwise aren't very curious about the wider world. Most of their conversation revolves around their daily lives, and narrow subjects of interest. Also complaining! I do find it a bit awkward, as a high earning professional woman when, say an entire group of renters are just talking about never being able to get on the housing ladder, high rents etc. If I sympathize it leads to a chorus of 'it's alright for you' and obviously I can't go in the opposite direction! When i mix with other professionals they may equally not care about politics/music etc but we can discuss our finances and other things without any judgement.

As such, I choose to mix only with people who a) genuinely don't care and b) have much more interesting topics of conversation. I meet them in a variety of ways. Walking groups, local events, Meetup etc. W.r.t men, while I eventually met and married a colleague, I found that certain activities like hiking, jazz live music etc were more likely to have the kind of men that I got on with. Online dating as well.

Yes absolutely, I don’t actually think that what people do as a job matters much.

But, new boyfriend shares many more of the same interests whereas ex husband was only interested in work, golf and his friends from university

The above type is what I’d like to avoid 😇

My ex who was a mechanic initially seemed really similar to me vs ex, eg liked museums, historical sites, travelling to unusual places. As time went on I realised he liked the idea of doing those things, but instead of following through he wanted to stay at home and watch programmes about those things!

I was very much in love with him so focused on the common ground we had, but as time went on I realised I probably won’t feel ‘at home’ with someone that doesn’t own a single book.

On books, I go to author talks like you, and recently was at one where I got chatting to the author as we had lots in common and he wrote me a really personal dedication and seemed a bit flirty. I was going to message him afterwards, thankfully I checked the book first, where he thanked his fiancée 😇 That would have been embarrassing!