If you are a ‘professionally accomplished’ woman, how do you meet men?

[ElleintheWoods]

Just to pre-empt, I don’t think ‘success’ (titles, possessions and other things society sees as such) matters and everyone is the same. However, more and more, men and people in my life seem to highlight that it still does matter in today’s society.

In my 20s I was a top 10 university graduate working in corporate London with HNWIs, so I used to think everyone was like that and that was normal life (young and naïve, sorry!). I’ve had 2 significant long-term relationships (5+ years) and a few shorter but still serious and enjoyable ones. Never really had bad experiences with men.

I then took a step back and moved to the countryside. I’m quite a friendly and bubbly person. However, I’ve found that men see me as a bit of an alien once they get to know my background. I play my background down a lot now that I’ve found it can alienate people, but obviously things do come out once you get to know someone/ people have Google. I was in a long-term relationship with a mechanic and he would make ‘how the other half live’ comments as a joke regularly. He was also ashamed of his house and family initially. I’ve also had the ‘why would someone like you want to be with someone like me’ comment from more than one guy. Frustratedly, I asked a male friend why guys like him don’t pursue me even though they seem interested and he said ‘I’d feel like I’m punching a bit/ long-term I’d feel lesser than you’.

So it seems that although I was open to dating anyone, it doesn’t seem many men are open to dating a woman who is more professionally accomplished than them. I’m also from Denmark where ‘class/ background’ generally is a lot less at the forefront of people’s minds and it’s common for women to be dominant.

Then I met someone who seemed perfect. Committed to the mission of using his skills to improve people’s lives, had worked abroad like me, on the board of a household name company, very varied interests, deep thinker, similar childhood experiences. We had what I’d regard as the perfect relationship – theatre, shows, weekends away attending cultural events and exploring new places, good food, talking about ideas, philosophy, politics... I could be fully myself around him and share the same values. My favourite moment in our relationship was a few weeks in when he had a huge presentation at work and he called me afterwards and talked about it for an hour – it may sound boring but I knew then this was someone I could relate to. It also made me feel close to him that I was the one he wanted to share his accomplishment with.

Ultimately it did not work out but it got me thinking... I felt much more ‘at home’ with someone like that than where I had tried to force a relationship with someone very different and had to lock away parts of myself to fit in with their family and friends. So maybe it’s just easier for me to try dating men who aren’t ashamed to be ambitious and want to make a difference in society, and who like arts, classical music etc

So 2 questions to the thread:
1. If you are ‘professionally successful’, how do you feel that affects your personal life?
2. Where have you met men that pique your interest/ you’ve settled down with?

Also OP, I think it's not as simple as 'men being threatened by smart women'., or class. Maybe Denmark is a much more homogenous society but..
All of us want to be with people that make us comfortable, on a subconscious level.
I'm a very ordinary looking woman. I wouldn't feel comfortable being with an extremely good-looking man because I'll be thinking... why would he want to be with me?
Unless we are extremely compatible in other ways I just wouldn't bother.

It can be the same of a myriad of other things income, education level, hobbies, even politics! There's nothing wrong with that.

I don’t even feel like they need to ‘bring’ anything aside from being an interesting, loving person with compatible values.

But seems like in today’s society they still feel they need to be the breadwinner.

When I did a bit of OLD, one of the guys we really clicked with sent me a long message saying he feels we are very compatible and have so much in common, but something like ‘I’m not work shy but you’ve achieved a lot and I’d feel like I’m a bit below you in that sense, and that worries me’.

Went out on a couple of dates and he asked me an incredible amount of questions about my job! Needless to say it didn’t progress

How old are you OP and would you consider younger men?

I have a male friend nearby and he says he also struggles to find women with common interests

Is there any potential for this to become a romantic relationship?

Hmmmm I think it really depends on the man! Eg my ex who is a Dr (academic type) says for a long-term relationship he would only consider someone with similar interests who can hold their own amongst his academic friends, and with him. High earnings/ job title don’t matter to him though, more understanding certain concepts etc. However we clashed over my long working hours etc.

In my family generally couples are very similar, ie 2 lawyers married to each other, 2 doctors, 2 architects etc. And I know for the parent generation that’s hugely important re who their kids choose. Sadly as I find it a bit snobbish.

I do know a couple of men who are ‘director of’ at high-profile companies and whose long-term partner is a waitress or shop assistant, for example.

Oh dear… Why did he ask you to get rid of your books?

Most "B" men don't want "A" women.

Point wonderfully made. I really did think it was a thing of the past and nowadays most men would be proud of their partner’s accomplishments. But I suppose it can hurt one’s self esteem long-term if one part of the couple is high profile at events and the other can feel like the +1 (not that this is the type of relationship I’m after!)

IME few men can tolerate being bested by a woman.
I always go for "strong in the arm and thick in the 'ead", that means they can't out maneuver you but they are good at carrying heavy things for you.
(But I never live with them because they are thick and that becomes irritating)

Got promoted at work and men I dated (tree cutter, store worker I dated for 7 years) used to make remarks to put me down.

That’s awful! I know someone like these guys whose long-term partner is a lawyer, whom he loves, the way he talks about her seems to include a fair bit of resentment towards her, eg he avoids her family and friends as he doesn’t feel comfortable around them (the expressions he uses about them is a bit spicier!)

I also think it does get harder to meet someone who is a professional over the age of 35 since so few of them are not married at that point in time and if they do become single they probably attract interest from women aged late 20s-40. Jon Birger’s books are a good read on this topic.

Many of my friends met their partners at university.

I met DP at an Intervarsity Club party and other long term friends I've made are via my Mensa membership. None of the ones I made during shared life experiences (NCT etc) lasted once the sole thing we had in common became less important.

DP is a lot older than I am and I accept that if he goes before me, which is probable, I am very unlikely to meet anyone else.

An alpha man is never going to cede his status to anyone, and certainly not to a woman!
Whatever he says or does to lure you in will always be with the aim of subordinating you in order to further his alpha status.

When i mix with other professionals they may equally not care about politics/music etc but we can discuss our finances and other things without any judgement.

As such, I choose to mix only with people who a) genuinely don't care and b) have much more interesting topics of conversation.

Unfortunately that’s how I feel also oftentimes. I just feel like I need to fit in more, eg if the group are talking about Love Island, saying something like ‘I’ve never watched it’ can come across as snobbish. Or when people ask what you did over the weekend and you say you went to the opera. So over the years I’ve started to self-censor a lot to be more sensitive.

However I’ve got to a stage where I don’t want to be censoring myself about basic life facts. Evading standard questions like ‘what do your parents do’ or ‘what do you do for work’ or ‘what did you do last weekend’ for fear of judgement is hard work mentally and doesn’t allow for real bonding with others.

I think being able to be open about your true self in a relationship and both partners seeing the other as equal is important

I just nearly choked on my chicken roll reading this 🤣

I’m 35. Usually I fancy older men, early 40s. Haven’t usually found myself attracted to someone younger and for some reason I think their values as a generation would be at odds with mine, eg social media/ swiping culture, living life online/ culture I don’t really get etc. I’m a little bit ‘old’ for my age, a lot of people I enjoy talking to are 50+.

However I feel like I might be judging my own generation!! And I have thought about maybe considering someone similar age to me or, gasp, maybe younger.

Why do you think they might be a better fit? Open-minded about that.

😁
Don't bother with a partner, you just need a bodyguard who's a good shag!

There is, we initially met as he asked me out and he is attractive and the Venn of interests looks promising. However I feel he’s too recently out of a relationship and too unsure of where his head is at to date.

Good point. BUT. Do I want a 45-yo man whose goal is to date 20somethings?

I’ve been in age gap relationships and don’t oppose them, but I’d like to date someone who wants me for my brain more than my looks. Looks often go around that age anyway!

When I look at the couples I’d like to be like, none of them are stunners but they seem to have lots of common ground. E.g. similar politics or a burning desire to make an impact in the world

He didn't ask, he said it would be a good idea. I pointed out he wasn't there for the books, he just had to walk past them to the bedroom.

he was unable to maintain his erection when confronted with the evidence of your intellectual superiority?

Yeah, but who decides? It’s not like there are objective criteria for A or B! There are men who own window cleaning businesses with 2 GCSEs who would probably class themselves as Alphas because they’ve been arrested for affray and have a girlfriend, and two teenagers they make call them ‘boss’.

People I know met their partners: at uni; at work; through a mutual friend; online.
I met my husband through an old fashioned (pre internet) dating agency. It had a relatively high fee and was aimed at professionals. I was late 30s and most of the men were lawyers/music producers/businessmen. My husband ran his firm he said it would be inappropriate to date someone at his firm and he didn't want to date a fellow lawyer anyway. As I didn't know him through work, and worked in a different field, his status there was irrelevant. But if he had been MD of my firm, I wouldn't have even thought about dating him!

So date someone like him then? Someone with a career they like, driven. It makes sense.

Jon Birger’s advice is to date younger ie men in their late 20s. Whilst they may be a different generation, 60% of men are single at that age and more likely to meet someone who is looking for a relationship than an early 40 year old out of a long term relationship and looking for some casual fun. Perhaps try to meet some of them through common interest and hobbies - you have nothing to lose from expanding your circle.

No, he was fine. He just didn't need to comment on the books at all, in the same way I overlooked his poor grammar.