I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

How could you not think?

If it took you 13 years to change perhaps you shouldn’t expect her to change in 2

Exactly this

You have a lot of work to do, for a long time. She may in time learn to live with your hideous behaviour but don't expect her to forgive it

How could I not think? I don’t know. I just added them without much thought behind it really. No deep and meaningful reason, but I know that doesn’t make it right.

and true, she has said that herself actually about it being years of bad behavior, and that I can’t expect her to just get over it fast.

The trust has gone. Your relationship won't survive this.

How are you being and showing yourself to be a better man?

Why did you reject her for so many reasons if you love and find her attractive?

I think in order for her to not blame herself (thinking she is unattractive etc) that you need to work out the reasons why and have an honest conversation with her. Perhaps then, depending on what the reason is, she could start to move past your behaviour.

You appear to have the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon.

Maybe fix that, find out why you spent well over a decade behaving like a shit, and once you figure that out, have an honest conversation about it?

I'm sick of men using, "not thinking" as an excuse to be selfish and hurtful. You've been selfish. You thought only about yourself. You need to dog really deep into yourself to think about this from her perspective. If you truly loved her then this wouldn't be a stretch.

but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking

Well, you WERE thinking, just not with your head.

How am I being and showing her I’m a better man? I no longer keep my phone in my pocket all the time. She has the password, so she can look at it when she likes (I used to take it everywhere and never tell her the code).
I tell her she is beautiful and give her more complements than I used to (but she says they feel false now). I write her a loving note and leave it on the bedside when I go away with work, and I’m initiating intimacy much more. I also closed the social media accounts.

She just gets triggered so easily. For example, a sex scene came on TV last week and she got upset because I kept watching TV. She is convinced I don’t find her attractive, which is so sad.

I want her to focus on the present and building a future rather than churning over the past. I won’t do these things again, but she doesn’t trust my word on that.

So for years you upset her, made her cry, and you weren’t bothered.

Now you say you are devastated that you hurt her.

Has she finally stopped wanting to sleep with you?

I would have called you far worse things than creep or sleaze.

You don’t love her. If you loved her then her being unhappy would have led to you wanting to change. It didn’t. You carried on for 13 years. It was only when it became clear that she might leave you (and thus inconvenience you) that you changed.

Why did you reject her? Leaving aside the morals of porn for a moment, why did you choose porn instead of your wife rather than in addition to her? Why didn't you want intimacy with her when you clearly had a sex drive?

Like I said, you have the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon.

Essentially, you’re saying ‘I behaved badly for 13 years, watching porn, perving over women’s social media, not having sex with my wife, all for reasons I can’t be bothered to try to understand. Now I’m reformed and I think she should develop amnesia, because it’s all good now, right?’

OP, if you were brutally honest with yourself and brave enough to post it here, what are you really hoping to achieve with this thread?

Yes, I deserve the responses I’m getting. I know that. I appreciate the honesty all the same.

I probably chose porn etc over my wife as it was easy and I didn’t have to worry about my performance. She has accused me of being selfish in bed before, so I had a bit of tension over it. If I’m honest, I have been a shit lover to her and it hurt my ego to hear her say this. Not an excuse at all, I was an idiot to not deal with issues she brought up.

Stop having 'intense arguments', own your shit behaviour choices that span 15 years. Leave your wife free to enjoy life and to pick a better man.

I just want my wife back. I want her to be happy, to trust me. The arguments to stop. I want to get her to see I’m changed.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her.

I think you have to go back to the start and ask yourself why this was happening.. why were you rejecting your wife? Should you still be together if this was happening for years?

How embarrassing.

Is she willing to go to couples counselling? If you are both willing to work on the relationship and want it to survive then you should try that.

You clearly both have significant issues with your sex life, and/or lack thereof. I'd recommend counselling because I don't think this just gets fixed by you telling her that she's beautiful a few times a day.

In the short term, i'd also ask what are you doing to show that you are THINKING about her. I don't mean telling her you love her or initiating sex. I mean thinking aboout her as a person, wanting to make her life better. And please, don't say, "I bring her flowers" - I love flowers, but that's not really the point.

what are you dong at home? Do you share the mental and physical load? Do you notice and appreciate the things she is doing? do you care about her emotional and practical needs - what's happening at work, the things she worries about for the DC etc?

Or has everything else stayed the same except you're now not looking at porn any more?

You are still preoccupied with what you want. There is nothing much here about what she might want from you. Why not be more concerned about her feelings? YABU to expect her to do a 180 degree turn in such a short space of time.

”I want, I want, I want’. Time to realise that life is not all about you and your wants. You think you have changed but you’re barely scraping the surface. You sound thoroughly selfish and immature