I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

It’s so hurtful, isn’t it?

Mine would withdraw earlier every night saying that he can’t fall asleep If I lie next to him and then watch porn and masturbate. When I would change the sheets I would find white marks everywhere (apologies for the gross information) and that was devastating. He did want sex only not with me.

He then proceeded to online chats and eventually cheating. I am far from ugly and keep in shape. My ex, while not ugly, was overweight with big belly. I was one year older than him and everyone thought he was 10 years older.

When I left him I went out with my friends and had many younger men hitting on me. Eventually I met someone closer to my age. He is gorgeous, keeps in shape and we have regular sex. It’s nice to feel desired and also desire someone: after years of rejection I had also stopped wanting sex with my ex husband. Now I know that I would never again stay with someone with whom we don’t have regular sex.

Actually it might not bother him as long as it didn't interfere with her duties. She just needs to be available for his use when he wants.

He forgot there is supposed to be a personal connection.

It's so lonely being married to someone like this.

@AStupidMan, couples counseling is not appropriate here, as your Wife did not break the marriage. You need to dig deep in IC to examine your character flaws that enabled your shitty behavior. Your detached ‘I don’t know whys’ don’t cut it. Until you get to the bottom of your selfishness, egocentricity, sense of entitlement, misogyny, etc., these deficiencies will still be lurking and rearing their heads.

Many relationship counselors estimate that restoration of trust after an intimate betrayal can take 2-5 years, and that is when the wayward partner is remorseful, takes full responsibility for his destructive actions, and moves mountains to help his injured partner heal. This includes:
+Patiently taking your W’s tears, anger and despair whenever they come.
+Regularly asking how she is feeling, unprompted.
+Proactively meeting her recovery requirements such as accessing IC. It is very telling that 2 years later you haven’t done this.
+Don’t exert pressure on her to move on. As the betrayer, you don’t get to dictate her recovery schedule.

@AStupidMan, this lovely woman has given her all to you and your children, yet you have crushed her spirit. You devalued and refused her request for equality and reciprocity in the bedroom. You cruelly mocked her pleas for intimacy, and punished her for expecting it. That is massive degradation.

I’m wondering if some of the women in your wank bank are local and known to you and W. I’m also wondering about the dynamic you foster with attractive women you encounter. Do you gain validation via flirty banter?

For what its worth its nice that you are willing to fix this and prepared to look in the mirror. You clearly love her so i am not going to slate you for that. Some men dont ever admit they are to blame for their partners mistrust. So i just wanted to acknowledge you for that.

I don't, actually, (assuming this is real, of course) think that he does love her. I think she's more of a possession for him. Someone who helps to make his life run nicely. I think he's outraged, really, that he's been found out and that he has to make any changes. It's all about the outward and nothing about the inner changes that he really needs to make.

And it's classic posturing on MN to get us women to agree with him about how ungrateful is wife is and how awful she's being to him. He, after all, who is now doing the martyr act.

It really is hurtful

my one told me ‘I didnt even cross his mind’ my response was ‘maybe I should have started looking elsewhere since you weren’t that bothered about us as clearly those thirst traps were more important to you all because they could flash themselves on the internet. At least I can earn my living honestly and not have to resort to prostitution to make money’

he broke down and cried his heart out realising how much he had hurt me especially when I tore into him and told him he was like his father who he detests.

You clearly have intimacy issues and have some things to work on yourself. After that then you should talk about couples therapy