I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

@mrscoffee

'mistake' yeah. I might burn the toast or mis match socks, but ignoring your wife's upset for over a decade & ignoring her desire for intimacy isn't a 'mistake'. Nor is wanking over porn, adding women to your SM & wanking over them.

thats no 'oops I made a mistake'

The take away is that there are consequences to your actions.

I don't think many men realise that porn on a very regular basis IS a dealbreaker for some women (not all I know)

Because it's secretive in most cases and on phones they think it's all fine and dandy and a bit of 'entertainment'
Imagine back 30 years ago or even 20- if you were coming home and popping on hard core DVDs multiple times a week do you think your wives would have stayed with you or put up with it- maybe a few who didn't have much choice, but the majority? No they would have called you a sleaze and told you to bugger off

You’ve done a real number on her self esteem. Mind you, if you hadn’t she’d have left you. I don’t know if I could recover from this if I was your wife, I would probably have left you after constant rejection and definitely would have left after the porn thing.
If you have any hope of this relationship being successful I’d say you both need to work on yourself separately from one another and she needs to see a councillor who specialises in self esteem.
I dated an ex porn addict when I was younger and I’ve got to say it did a number on me doing all that worrying and stressing. If I could go back in time I would never have done it, and I don’t think any woman should. Even tho he wasn’t in active addiction (to my knowledge) it still ate away at me. If this was your wife’s thread I would tell her to leave and work on herself and rebuilding her self esteem, but if she won’t leave you then she should definitely take time to do that and you should encourage her.

Let’s be honest here and admit that you only changed your behaviour because your wife caught you. If she hadn’t seen your phone and SM you’d still be continuing with all the sleazy stuff. Your wife knows this. I suspect that you’re now panicking because you will be ruined financially if you divorce and you’ve realised that your marriage is unlikely to survive this. Cooking an occasional meal or ‘helping’ with your children and home is definitely not going to fix this.

You didn't want to help her before, when it would have cost you your porn.

The best way to you can help her is by not fighting too hard when she leaves you.

So what you mean is you were completely thoughtless, quite literally, and for 13 years. You probably just wore down her feelings for you over time. You're lucky she stuck around.

She's going to take a long time to trust you and feel respected by you again. Take your time, keep going, let her eventually feel comfortable feeling good around you., but it may take a long time.

I would recommend some kind of relationship counselling to resolve some of these issues with a professional.

This. ^ There's no coming back from this @AStupidMan Your appalling behaviour went on for too long. If your wife does decide to stay with you, your marriage will be a sham marriage where the woman is only staying because she's afraid to leave/can't afford to leave/has no-one else.

The resentment will carry on for some years, until she has the courage to kick your ass out. You won't change. Men don't sadly. They may behave better for a while, but they eventually revert back to their 'ways.' Selfish, narcissistic sex pests and perverts. (NAMALT! But many are!)

‘She’s stuck in the past’

God you need to show more compassion here and more grace and insight about your behaviour.

You have repeatedly and consistently rejected her over a course of years. No, she is not stuck in the past. YOU have conditioned her to feel rejected and inadequate and unattractive.

Enlist the help of a professional. Mumsnet isn’t going to sort this - that’s like buying an umbrella for a tsunami in this case.

You know you're a "changed man", your wife doesn't. You spent years eroding her confidence then you broke her trust and have scarred her forever. You can't expect her to just start trusting you again because you tell her she can. She will take years to get past this and she will may one day get to a point where she can move past it and not think about it every day. But it will ALWAYS be there. If you can't accept that you have fundamentally changed your relationship and spend the rest of your life reassuring her, then it won't work. She may never be able to get past it, but you need to accept that that is on you. Be remorseful, be reassuring, be kind. Most of all be patient.

Its so odd the way men will say “I will do anything to get my wife back!” But when push comes to shove they find therapy is too awful and they can’t see the point.

Look: the nicest thing anyone can say is that you have intimacy issues stemming from poor self esteem and poor self regulation. To use popular jargon you have attachment issues and a deep attachment wound that needs repair. That wound is in yourself. This is why she recommends individual therapy. Something deep within you, a very childish, frightened, part of you rebelled agajnst adulthood snd against the marriage and used porn and the other women as a way if zoning out and avoiding the scary thought that you were inadequate in bed.

If you want to live an authentic, adult, life and be worthy of her trust and love you need to work hard on yourself. Who are you really? How hard will you work to reassure snd deserve her? How much insight do you have into yourself? Right now you ate sad/scared and skmewhat regretful for the damage you’ve done. But you are no more than a child who kicks over the dinner table and then pleads to “fix it” by being “really good” from now on. Do you have the capacity to be a fully adult partner to her? Dies the child have the capacity to right the table, cook new food, and serve it?

You have s lot of growing to do. You are looking for forgiveness and reward without having earned it.

Too little , too late , trust is gone .

I think there are some triggered responses on here - the responses would not be this harsh it the OP were a woman.

The OP has been a shitty husband and it took him way to long to realise how his behaviour was not acceptable but at the end of the day, those people suggesting he’s making his wife miserable etc etc - she has the option of leaving and always has done so in staying she is playing a part in her own misery.

Regardless of who is at fault - if you want a marriage to work you have to both work at issues that come up - if you don’t want to work at it then leave.

In this case it seems that a miscommunication between them regarding their sex life was the initial issue - the OP chose to turn to porn rather than discuss and work on their sex life - of course that isn’t the right reaction and he shouldn’t have done that but since they are now back at somewhat of an impasse they both need to decide whether their relationship is worth saving and both work at it. The wife crying because a sex scene came on a tv show isn’t going to help - communication will but only if they both want to.

I’m not saying the OP isn’t a dick - I’m saying if what he is doing isn’t working then his wife needs to communicate and decide whether she wants to suggest changes and work on them or walk away. Not just cry everytime a sex scene comes on tv.

Excellent post

That could be me writing on your wife’s side.

My ex husband had exactly the same behaviour. Rejecting sex with me, using porn instead, at some point it progressed to social media cheating and eventually found out he was dating other girls.

I had raised the issues multiple times only for him to reassure me and then do exactly the same things. Eventually I discovered his infidelity. He pleaded with me to stay to work things out. Not because he cared for me. Because he had so much to lose. Too late of course. I left him and filed for divorce.

I will tell you how this is going to end up. At some point someone who is her type is going to pay attention to her and she will fall in love. Her body is going to be reminded how it feels to be desired. And she will realise what she is missing by staying with you. She will drop you and live her life to the max.

I am with someone for 4 months now. We have amazing sex and good time together. I don’t know where this is going, but I do know that at last I feel like a woman. I have sex with someone who desires me and we are sexually compatible.

I hope she finds the strength to drop you soon. Love and sex are the most beautoful things in life and not letting her enjoy these is abusive on your side.

He also told me that he would show me his phone going forward, passwords etc to which I replied “Who do you think you are that I will waste my life checking on you? “

Good luck to your wife. I hope she finds someone who desires and appreciates her soon.

Why were you refusing her sex if you were attracted to her, and clearly you were capable of masturbation.
It will take a while to get back on track. Are you giving her plenty of affection, warm hugs, kind gestures, listening and genuinely caring about her day? Keep reassuring her, but actions speak louder than words. Why do you think she still suspects you're using porn etc?

You've mentioned intense arguments recently. What are they about? It takes two to argue so I'm wondering what you are trying to defend or reject.

Honestly, I think you are lying to yourself. Which is a huge problem. You say you hate to see your wife upset but you made 1000 of choices that you knew would upset her. She's been upset for years and it didn't stop you. You did choose to be a partner. Her pain and upset is an issue for you now because it impacts YOU. Her attitude to you has changed and you don't like it.

Same with what you would have done if the roles were reversed. You wouldn't have had a nice polite chat about her adding fit men on social media and engaging with them or flicking the beam over having relations with you. I don't believe that for a second. Honestly, it's a crook of shit.

I reckon she gets angry because on top of everything you aren't even honest.

i just want to help my wife move on. For her to feel happy.

If you really mean this, you will seek a divorce and let her start over.

Why do you think she can't see you've changed ? You mention notes and initiating intimacy, but have you had counselling or worked on yourself at all? Have you done anything that a normal, loving husband wouldn't just do as part of a close relationship? The stuff you describe is the stuff you should have been doing all along, so I'm not surprised she's not falling over herself to forgive you when you seem to have gone from 'awful' to 'normal, but with over a decade of unexplained awfulness in recent memory'. Are you doing anything that's actually hard for you, making any sacrifices, spending time and effort actually making your lives better?

This is so so hurtful and she must feel sick to the out of her stomach. Let her go and be with someone who genuinely cherishes her. You don't deserve her

Another man who thinks he can just tell a woman she's beautiful and then expects her to drop everything and do what he wants, in this case forgive and forget his behavior..

I've already warned my DD about this.

If you truly thought she was beautiful you would have been making love to her for the last 15 years.

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

let her go.

I don't think this marriage can be salvaged.
are there factors which make her feel she has to stay - financial etc
I would suggest you offer her a divorce in which you will be fair on finances etc, and genuinely do that, including things like pensions.