I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

You say you've asked her what she wants you to do. She says she wants you to go to therapy. Why don't you just go to therapy? Instead of coming on here and ignoring loads of the questions and comments? I'm confused. Are you just hoping you're going to get the magic answer of being told you're a hero for stopping?

Do you have minor children? If not then I think it’s best to just separate and divorce. The attraction and trust are gone. I don’t think these issues will get better with time.

No, you want your wife to forgive, forget and shut up. Thats what you want.

My ex husband rejected me for years and I found out he'd been using porn and sexting other people. He was also Skyping people and possibly met up with a few.

We divorced 10 years ago. I have been with my wonderful husband for 3.5 years and it took a lot for him to build my confidence up again. I still have low self esteem issues.

You may have thought what your were doing was meaningless but you have no idea what if feels to be on the other side of it. It takes more than a couple of years to get over it. You're in no position to expect anything from her and unfortunately for you I think your relationship is probably over now and you might just have to accept that.

“My wife appliance is malfunctioning. How can I manipulate her into getting over my shit behaviour as fast as possible so that normal service can be resumed? This is uncomfortable for me.”

i just want to help my wife move on

Again. "Me, me, me"

You want her to move on for your benefit. You really aren't thinking about your wife at all here.

However, like PP, I think this is a wind-up.

@AStupidMan you are brave for posting on here!

It takes years to build trust but only a second to break it, yes you’ve been a fool but atleast you are trying to fix your marriage

I think you should both give counselling a try

Truth is...you should have been doing things to help anyway like cooking but many men consider this 'womens work's as they are lazy fuckers. The problem with porn is, it is usually created by men for men. This gives guys a false perception of what women want. Almost all porn therefore is about degrading women one way or another and normalizes it, to the extremes we see now where boys think it's normal to choke girls during sex. Porn is corrosive to relationships, yes sex can be spiced up but you need the loving kind too! Try to imagine how you would feel if your wife rejected sex with you and favoured looking at extremely well endowed men every evening with perfect tanned muscular bodies. How would that make you feel? Pretty inadequate. Further more, imagine instead of pleasing you in bed, she was only interested in pleasing herself by thinking about these men and you never came. You would begin to dread sex or feel intense frustration. Men obsessed with porn make shit lovers due to their fragile fragile little egos. It's also lazy, you could have learned to please your wife and actually asked her and TRIED. But you chose easy access porn to please youraself. Worst still, many in those industries are underage, and or coerced into producing porn or are trafficked, therefore your poor morals as a user make you a pretty gross prospect and I suspect she will have lost all respect for you. This can give women the ick and she may no longer fancy you, she's already calling you a sleaze. So you have a lot of work to do, question is do you have the bottle as you are already whining about it being 2 years. So my guess is not, so divorce so she can find a real man who knows how to handle her and you can go back to your tawdry sordid wankathons.

Because you are lying. 13 years of her refusing intimacy - even when you are really upset. 13 years of her looking at other men. Looking at how amazing they are in bed - unlike you who is a shot. Your wife imagining having sex with a man who actually knows what to do. A man with a much bigger dick than yours. A man who is so much better looking than you. Climaxing as she imagines being with them. Looking at all these men she finds attractive. Over and over and over. For 13 years. Imagining all sorts of amazing, lovely things that they would do to her.

Yes - you would just “talk to her about it”.

We all make mistakes. Have you considered couples therapy?

She tried to talk to you about it for 13 years. But you weren't listening.

It's really common for men to assume women don't mean it unless they actually leave/check out.

Women don't leave/check out until it's past the point of return.

You are on the cusp of this being salvageable. Barely.

You chose porn and other people on social media as your entertainment rather than your wife, but now you say she is beautiful and you leave notes she should forget the past and move forwards.

Of course she says it feels false. It is false.

Your new good behaviour is to get her back to being who she was before she discovered how slimy and sneaky you are. Your new fake persona would make me feel ill if I was her. It just feels manipulative to get what you want which is 'a pre her knowing who you are' relationship.

I’m sorry but I’m absolutely sick to death of seeing and hearing similar situations and stories where yet again small men like yourself sit there in crusty boxers leering over the next female that’s got a pulse, when you’ve got a beautiful wife at home who wants and deserves to be loved and feel like she’s attractive to you. You haven’t made her feel either of those things, instead you behaved like a lot of men do and think with your tiny penis instead of your brain. You don’t deserve her and I hope she leaves you.

You can't force someone to just "get over" something like that. It comes with time, it comes with therapy/self-reflection, it comes from the desire to actually move on.....some can do this. Many can't. The only thing you CAN do is remain transparent, and have PATIENCE with her. LET her vent. LET her feel how she's feeling without becoming frustrated with her. Never, ever show yourself getting frustrated with her because it's not convenient for you to have to continuously deal with her (quite rightful) emotions. She needs to emotionally heal, and this can take YEARS. Years and years and years of you always being utterly transparent and patient and understanding.

Isnt it obvious? for 13 years you have avoided intimacy with her, watched porn, friended women online, lied to her, been selfish in bed and now you're mad because in the last 2 years she hasn't been able to just forget it all?

Re- read that and then consider if thats reasonable.

Imagine that for 13 years, literally every time you drove the car you had an accident. Each and every time, you injured your back or another part of your body and it caused you weeks of pain and recovery time having to heal from it. Every. single. time.

Do you think that in the space of 2 years you would completely forget all that?- that you could happily jump in your car and drive around without a care in the world and it would never, ever enter your head to be worried about having another accident?

Exactly.

This. I begged and pleased with my exH to go see a doctor. Asked if I had done anything wrong. Cried myself to sleep. He only started making an effort with me when I told him I wanted to split up.

FFS you are just NOT listening!!

we've told, more importantly SHE's told you. YOU. Need counselling & YOU need to book it, she's told you that, so WTF are you on about 'I'll suggest counselling then*

Some were just women I must have followed

were you drugged? There NO 'must have' here. You CHOSE to follow not only 'porn stars' but other women NOT advertising themselves for that kind of drooling by you. That's more creepy, but you didn't do it while sleeping.

Did you follow/like (whatever) 'real' women either of you actually know?

Yes you want a lot from her don’t you?

I never understand ‘I haven’t been the best husband’

Why weren’t you? There wasn’t some evil force stopping you. You chose your path.

Your wife can find her own way of moving forward. Whatever that is.

I can empathise with what she’s going through. Some is us have been there too.

Sadly as the saying goes “trust comes on foot and leaves on horseback.”

They’re no easy answer and sadly I haven’t read all this post but you can only keep trying. It might take years. From personal experience triggers are a nightmare for the betrayed and she may always harbour resentment. She’ll look at you differently for ever more. If/when she wants to talk or vent, allow her to do so without interruption. This will help her make sense of the situation.

You can only keep trying. Counselling might help but be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

I think this post sums it up.

What would you want your wife to do if the roles were reversed? Would you want a relationship with her at all?

Do you think you can do enough to make up the damage you've done?

I want to tell you my experience as a women who has been on the receiving end of rejection when I initiated sex with my exH and then finding my new partner following a tonne of sexy women on SM accounts (including an incident of chatting to one) .... It destroys not only your confidence, but everything you thought you knew about yourself, your relationship and your partner. Completely and Utterly and I am not sure I will ever get past this but I am trying.

My new partner who follows these accounts, is for all other aspects of our relationship a good man (helpful, attentive, encouraging, supportive etc)- but this part clouds everything and has left me feeling worthless AND our sex life is great but I still feel shit that he likes looking at all these other women. You absolutely need to continue to be open, let her see your accounts whenever she asks, even if it annoys you continue to uphold the promise you made her.

As an example of how this affects me - we recently went on holiday, I am a curvy size 10-12, although curvy in good shape from years of dancing, and there were so many beautiful petite ladies in the worlds smallest bikinis, I have never felt so self conscious in all my life. I have now turned into a women who compares herself with others - I don't want to be this person but this is what has happened as a direct result of my partner 'not thinking'

I have spent a long time trying to understand WHY - you say you didn't think and I 100% believe you. You just do it for you, a little ego boost, a little day dream and I believe men when they say it means nothing. Let me tell you, to your wife, it means EVERYTHING. My partner said 'he wasn't thinking about me' this was the most hurtful comment, everyone looks now and then and I dont really have a problem with porn as long as it isnt hidden. But to not 'think' about me when you have given your all to a relationship and think about your partner all the time it hits you hard. It means you don't value her, you don't see her, you prefer the way others look, it doesn't matter if she looks like a victoria secrets model you put your energy elsewhere without a second thought of her.

I don't know what I am going to do but for now I am working on me, working on us and trying to rebuild my confidence. She will need time, maybe all the time in the world and you have to be there for that there is no time frame it may always niggle her and hurt her at the most crap moments, like on a beach, at a wedding, be prepared and do not argue with her - let her be emotional about it she is working through some big stuff.

@AnotherUdderName

Both of your posts I've noticed (there may be more) make me think you're a man, though your user name does not.

either way your not getting the issue here. Maybe it requires maturity you do not yet have?

A 13 year long mistake that only stopped because she found out…?

Excellent post, AmelieTaylor

What stood out for me was the claim that OP "doesn't know why he did it", which if it isn't addressed brings an obvious risk of it happening again, only this time blaming the wife for "not getting over it"

It's very disappointing that you haven't already suggested going for counselling yourself, OP, but while it may already be too late it's the least I'd expect in your wife's position and might - just might - convince her you're working on this beyond just saying how sad you are

@AStupidMan my H could have written similar after some disloyal things to me - (although he never went off sex- I did) he too was busily watching porn 4 or 5 times a week behind my back- he doesn't know I know though - I've kept it to myself - I never took the child locks off the internet when my son left home, just didn't block anything so I can see easily what's been viewed. Is that good- no- but he caused the distrust and to be honest I've stopped giving a shit as at 62 I'm not bothered about sex anyway .

The other distrustful things? Well I stayed married and yes the shitty things stopped but you cannot 'make' your wife feel the same about you regardless of what you do. If she hasn't left I would just say keep on keeping on as you are but accept it may never be quite the same- to be frank she will see you in a different light and only you or she will know if that's enough- actions have consequences I'm afraid - and sometimes sorry isn't enough.