I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

You cant get the instant gratification of knowing that shes processed it all and made a decision, and you cant go back in time and stop being such a cunt for 13 years.
Deal with it.
13 years you made her unhappy. The only reason she hasnt dumped you is because youve fucked her boundaries and self esteem.
I really hope she wakes up and sees how false you are.
Its still all about you isnt it. Shes not over it quick enough for you, and you cant reassure her , because she knows you by now

I’m sure it’s already been said many times over, if you really loved your wife you would have been considering her feelings and not done it in the first place.

The damage is done, the doubt and insecurity will always be there.

I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but has to be worth saying you want a serious talk without arguments or blame to discuss how she feels, have chance to say why you think you got it wrong and then where you go from here. What does she want from your relationship? What can you do to gain her trust?

Do thoughtful things for her, ie I'm going to cooking tonight/washing up, while you have a bath, relax watching tv/reading a book. You can't buy love, but bring home flowers/chocolates/treats occasionally, find ways of having more fun together.

Keep going with all the changing you are doing - well done for making these when you got your wake up call.
Consider counselling for you - as your wife is suggesting this and whilst it maybe tough, it could help.
Longer term you may need counselling together, as you have both got to be able to move forward together.
Good luck

Best reply ever. So true.

She did try to talk to you about it BEFORE she even found out about the porn/other women, but you did not not engage with her!!

Oh, so you're now helping with the kids, and you're helping around the house?

Do you want a round of applause? Those are your kids, and your house, and therefore always a joint responsibility. Your responsibility, not areas in which you offer a bit of help.

Everything you've written gives me the ick, so your wife undoubtedly has the ick too since she has the misfortune to live with you.

Your wants are irrelevant, for pity's sake let her go so she can have a nice, happy life.

You “bow out” then and go and lick your wounds instead of answering the questions people have asked. Still can’t be open and honest even on here so doubt you are being honest with your wife or yourself.

So, you started this thread to get advice and now you've had enough of it and decided to 'bow out'? Stick with us and learn something because the women on here will give it to you straight. It's not easy to hear, but you need to do the difficult stuff, clearly.

Anyway, do the hard things now - therapy, counselling, talking honestly. Don't bother with the little compliments and notes, they are rubbish and I wouldn't want them.

He's also admitted to not doing much over the years with regards to housework and childcare. He admitted to being a selfish lover, something that his wife had discussed with him but he did nothing about. The porn thing was probably just the straw that broke the camels back. His wife has probably been miserable in the marriage for quite some time.

For her the relationship is based on trust, you've caused her to question and doubt why you were withholding intimacy now and she assumes you not finding her desirable. If you want another chance ask her to allow you to explore your difficulties with intimacy through getting therapy. It's possible your issues are rooted in fear of your own virility and attractiveness being a dissapointment to her. Perhaps your desperate attempts to validate yourself via social media connections with porn and other women are uncovering a more fragile side to you. Your wife will need a lot of honesty from you or an offer of how to move on as individuals.

But you've not really changed have you....you've just been found out

Give over. Hope she gets the dignity and courage to leave your ass.

Shame you couldn't be a good and faithful husband when it mattered and before you got caught.

It’s time to let her go

there is no trust at all now

you can’t fix it

Jesus! Me me me .. grow up ffs and stop whining

Organise counselling, check with her first of course, then allow her the next 11 years to trust you again

Oh.....and stop acting as though you're 5

That is straying on my book. Try saying “it shouldn’t be a marriage breaker” to a woman who has been neglected and treated like shit for years because her DH chose to pay sexual attention to other women instead of her. What happened to “forsaking all others”? It’s not “forsaking all others unless the others are online, then that’s fair game”. It’s a betrayal.

I hope your wife in on MN and starts her own thread about you, so we can tell her LTB.

@AnotherUdderName

Your rationale is disgusting. Classic apologist and I find it hard to believe you're a woman. If you are you've a male-identified pick-me

This.
theres a pile on mate, probably entirely deserved

she is still in a grieving process for loss of husband and relationship she thought you had.

you are now realising a start of a bit of grief for potential loss of your relationship

you’re at different places. Both trying to process massive emotional changes

external therepy could help. If she-agrees

dont piss around with counselling or marriage guidance- that’s just a talking shop.

pay out ( and it’s not cheap) for a qualified psychologist with therapeutic approaches to sexual and emotional intimacy and relationships. Treat it seriously. Do the homework to find someone, then ask her if she willing to go. If she isn’t you can still say you feel it might benefit you both for you to get help solely.

@Rosesanddaffs

hes not brave, nor is he trying to fix his marriage, he's just trying to stop her bringing it up.

i really do hope it's another troll or otherwise there's a woman in a world of pain, but not confident:or financially able to leave this tosser

You can't force her to get over it. The damage is done, it's just a case of deciding whether you live with it or move on.
If she wants you to go to counselling, go to counselling. You say you want to win her back, but you haven't done the one thing she has asked of you. You're not actually trying at all.

Thing is, the "helping around the house now" is all performative isn't it? "Look what a great guy I'm being now", without any actual work done to address why you made these terrible choices in the first place?

If there's to be any chance of her healing - and if you really want her to instead of just making yourself feel better - it needs to become about her now, and TBH it's not sounding as if that's something you're able to do

You’re a grim man. The best thing you could do is to make the difficult decision so she doesn’t have to. Admit you’re grim to the bone, and you realise that you can’t change then leave her.

You're only sorry you got caught. If she hadn't found out you'd still be doing this.

Also the point of not having a code on your phone ‘so she can check’ is pathetic, she still has to make the effort and go through the emotional turmoil of checking. How about don’t have a phone at all, you dont need one to survive. But I guess that’s too inconvenient for you isn’t it? Not having a code on your phone is more your effort level.