I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

No. You need to understand why you chose to do what you did. Which BTW is not because you had emotionally neglecting parents. That may make intimate relationships harder for you BUT you had choices. You could have chosen to talk to your wife when you felt the urge to withdraw but instead you chose porn and to follow women on social media. You need to find out why and own it. You also need to find the honest answer to your wife's question of why you found porn and the women on social media more attractive than her. Because you did at the time. That's your work.

I have done it to understand my past behaviours (bad) once I got past the 'poor me my mum was an alcoholic and my dad a cunt' excuse for an emotional affair, kissing another woman when drunk and other shit. It will be hard work mate. Your wife may leave you. If she does you need to let her go with kindness and compassion and no guilt tripping and pleading.

I'm sorry you went through that, too.
I wish I had the courage to leave, but im so scared of being alone. I feel very weak and pathetic

Take some responsibility. This is all on you.
Hopefully, she will be seeing a divorce lawyer while you are there.

No please don’t say that. People feel ready at different times. It took me 3 years to make the decision. And I am financially independent and we had no kids. It’s a very very difficult decision.

Re being alone don’t be scared. There are many available men out there and many women in the same position that will support you. Believe me when I opened my mouth all women I knew opened their hearts and most were in a similar position.

When it’s time to leave him you will know and you will feel ready.

OP, some questions for you to consider (possibly in therapy). This isn’t intended snarkily- you need to work through this.

1. Why do you want to continue in this marriage? What does the future look like for you?
2. before you got caught, how did you see your future together? You did those things for 13 years and “realised” when she caught you. Do you think you’d have stopped of your own accord eventually? Why?
3. why did your wife love you, initially? Why did you get together? By your own admission you’re crap in bed, you fail at basic adulting (sharing housework, life admin), etc. Is it a realistic possibility to get back to the person she fell in love with?
4. What do you like about your wife, as a person? What made you stop wanting sex with her? Why do you want sex with her now - what changed? Do you think you could articulate that to her?
5. Why should your wife bother to listen and understand why you did what you did and why/how you changed when you can’t be bothered?

You hurt your wife , how do you fix it ? Well well well , if you really loved her and appreaciated her as your wife, you should have tried to fix all of this before she found out about your dirty doings , why now ? Because she found out and you have no choice but to fix it , otherwise she’s gone ? Why do you care so much about her now , but you didn’t when you had her , and you had your chances to make her the happiest wife ever without rejecting the sex and abandoning her needs when she needed it ! Obviously you wanted your cake and eat it too , well you have learned a hard lesson my boy , you don’t get best of both worlds , it’s one or the other …. Very very sad you have let a lovely partner down for some porn and social media girls , just for your own ego boost . Was it really worth it ? Yes it’s great that you’re trying your best now and fixing things , but sometimes it’s way too late and she will never forgive or forget . She might get over it someday but she will never forget . There will always be trust issues , EVEN if one day she says she’s happy again and she’s forgave you , she’ll still be thinking at the back of her head , I wonder if he’s made another account and watching porn again, there is millions of ways to do these things outside your home , and without your phone . For all she knows , you could of bought another mobile phone to do these things on and keeping it hidden or at work !

OP thinks the counsellor will be taken in by his changed man routine. I mean he doesn’t use porn, nor sleaze after attractive women online anymore. Also he cooks now and again and ‘helps’ with his own kids too when it suits. Not to mention the compliments and greasy love letters. He thinks the counsellor will tell his wife she’s being unreasonable and that she should get over the last 15 years or so and start ‘being his wife’ again.

I truly hope this whole thing is a wind up. OP is absolutely gross. 🤢

Someone must have used artificial intelligence to write this so that he winds up women on MN….honestly what the OP writes is simply unbelievable.

I have to agree.

I also believe that this person is getting off to the outrage on this thread.

I really hope so! 🤣

Well you are a sleazy creep and she knows it. If you actually loved her more than anything ( and had an iota of respect for women ) you wouldn’t have watched porn.

If you rejected her sexually but still beat off to porn, you probably are a porn addict. It causes sexual dysfunction with partners.

First thing to do is to admit the truth to yourself. Then and only then can you be honest with her. Have you told her everything? It seems to me you were at least thinking about cheating. Why else follow a bunch of women you found attractive? If you can't even be honest about that, there is no hope.
Ultimately, the best thing you can do for her is to let her go, offer her a fair division of assets and don't cause her any more pain. It's highly unlikely that you have really changed inside, because it doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of work on yourself, not just closing the accounts. You're on your best behaviour whilst trying to win her back, but if you do win her back, the old habits will return. Call this marriage a day and don't get into relationships until you have done the work on yourself (years of therapy, rafical self-honesty and soul searching) to be a proper partner.

Exactly so.

😄You don't believe he had an instant epiphany and is now a completely different person?

No you shouldn’t be going to counseling together because that will just be an excuse to shift blame onto her.

You watched porn/added others on social media/ expected her to pick up the slack you couldn’t be arsed to do/etc. because that was convenient for you, and it never occurred to you that maybe your wife deserved or expected better. That was what you thought was good enough for her. (And is presumably not the standard for your daughters to expect in their relationships?)

They are no conversations that lead anywhere positive.
But you still have to keep seeking to have those conversations in a constructive way. Maybe it would be worth having “talks about talks”, outside of the “conversations” talk to her about how (a) you want to able to talk to her about it and (b) you want them to be constructive (c) fully open and honest (d) not leaving her feeling worse/more alone, whatever is relevant to you.

Your wife is right, only she's off by at least a year. I think you've secretly gone back, possibly never really stopped. What you said about it replusing you now is the clincher, plus insisting there's no possible way you would do it again. You went way overboard trying to convince us, which means you're lying. You have not changed one iota.

Yes. He wants validation.

No, because you are the one who has a problem, not her. She is responding in a normal way to betrayal. She does not require therapy, though it may be helpful to her, just not together with you. Going to marriage counseling with a liar would just be opening herself up to you bamboozling the therapist about your miraculous "change" as well and the two of you ganging up on her, demanding she forgive. I suspect that's what you are hoping for.

OP is the type of man who starts a blog on being a male feminist and how other men should be as great as him.

Exactly that type. He'd present himself as a "life coach" for men.
There was a character like that on the TV show The Tourist. It's worth a watch for that hilarious character alone.

My advice is please split up and let your wife find happiness with someone who isn’t a spineless, selfish cunt ☺️

It's so convenient when a man hurts his wife and says he just wants her to get over it, doesn't see the point in talking about it, etc

How soon would you get over it if your wife was refusing sex with you and piercing and masturbating over famous men or porn stars?

Shes lost her trust and she knows theres always that chance youll break her heart again. She doesnt want to be back there again. You denied her the intimacy she craved and you gave that attention to women online. She would have looked at all their profiles and tried to understand what they had and why they were able to get your focus.

So basically you were not wanting physical stuff with her, yet You still had the urges and wanted the fun! Tell me how shes not meant to think youd gone of her? You wanted sex but not with her. If your sex drive had gone thats different. To not feel wanted hurts! Youve hurt her big time.

I’ve been here - boy do I feel sorry for your wife.

I know exactly what she is going through as my husband thought it a great idea to neglect me for the reddit thirst traps.

When I found his comments his first reaction was to tell me ‘it was just chat’

no it wasn’t ’just Chat’, it was devastating to me and I spiralled very hard over it all.

so if you love your wife like you claim to (I don’t think you do) you would let her walk away

FFS perving nor piercing.