I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

I'm not judging you for watching porn but i am for doing it on the sly from your wife, relationships have different boundaries and some couples are ok with porn.
The issue for me would be you doing it behind her back, that alongside watching women on s.media alongside rejecting your wife well i can see why is she is pretty pissed of with you and i bet i'm right in saying you would have continued if she hadn't caught you !
I don't know how you can fix this the rejection alone would be enough for me to end things.
You need to work out how you can prove you mean what you say , nobody here knows you or your wife and how your relationship works ,you need to be totally honest and open with her but i can't see how anyone here can give you the answer.

My best advice would be to pack up and leave. If you truly want to make your wife happy - the best thing you can do is let her get on with her life without the misery of you in it.

I think that's unfair to teaspoons

Another request for brutal honesty: Do you actually want your wife to be happy or do you want her to pretend to be happy?

I've been reading your descriptions of what you have been trying so far (notes, compliments, trying to be intinmate when she clearly isn't into it), but I see no attempts at actually connecting with your wife as a fellow human being?

In short, do you actually talk to her? Are you trying to get to know her? Are you sharing the load as partners? Do you know how she sees the world and do you know the things that matter to her? Do you have a fundamental understanding of the person she is?

That's what it will take. So far you are merely lucky she hasn't left you. You are not a good man. You were a bad man and now you do the bare minimum to be a decent enough man. But in your posts you demonstrate no selflessness, no attempts to be the good person you say you want to be.

Grab your hard-hat, OP, because I think you are all talk and your wife can see that.

Also, I think you have to really consider how she feels about porn. for a lot of women, the very existence of porn is offensive. We know how many of those women in porn videos are not there becaus they think it's a fun little way to make some easy money. so increasingly, knowing your husband has watched porn is to look at him in an entirely different light.

You could try relationship counselling. I think you'd both benefit from it. In your position I would be finding it, organising it and asking her to attend with you. You need to be proactive.

I think you need to address why you were doing what you were doing. What unmet need were you meeting. Why were you meeting them with randons and turning away your wife? Figure out yourself and address it.

You ignored her pleasure for over a decade and when she called you out on it, you took the lazy route of opting out if sex full-stop?

No wonder she's pissed.

PSA to men with stamina issues: You don't need to last long yourself if you get her there a couple of times first with your hands, mouth, and toys.

Your wife will have trauma around this for the rest of her life. It gets better, but it never goes away. She will continue to be triggered when things come up that involve the trauma…sex scenes, the mention of porn, the type of women you liked to follow, etc etc. You’ve basically damaged her for life by what you’ve done. She will always harbour doubts about you, once that trust has been broken it can never go back to how it was before. And she will likely always have self esteem issues because of your rejection of her while gratifying yourself to other women.

It’s possible for her to heal if she separates from you, but your presence will always be a reminder of the pain you caused.

I'm sorry but we don't always get what we want.
You want this, you want that. What about what your wife wants?
Sounds like it's dead in the water if I'm honest, she doesn't trust you anymore and - in my experience - once the trust has gone it's over.

She has mentioned counselling - for me though. She thinks I should go to some kind of therapist for “infancy avoidance” as she called it. It would be embarrassing to talk to someone in real life over it, but I am willing if it would help.

I’ve definitely helped more with the kids, and around the house. I’m cooking for her more too. Trying to make life easier, and she says she appreciates that change. I will admit I haven’t always been the best with those things.

I hate seeing her upset and feeling unwanted by me.

@AStupidMan

you are indeed. I don't know where to start, so it might all be a bit jumbled!

She just gets triggered so easily

this demonstrates that you don't actually care how she feels, you just want her to shut up about it.

She is convinced I don’t find her attractive

why are you so surprised? You spent over a decade not wanting intimacy with her, then to add insult to injury watched porn & added/followed attractive & sexy women on SM. Take time to imagine her doing that to you and how bad you'd feel about yourself.

I want her to focus on the present and building a future rather than churning over the past

of course you do, you don't want to be reminded of what an absolute wanker you have been.

you have DESTROYED her self confidence and now you are blaming her for having no self confidence. Wake up!!

I won’t do these things again, but she doesn’t trust my word on that

and that surprises you why??

there really isn't any coming back from the affect this has had on her & will continue to have for her whole future (with or without you). A new man who adores her may help her some, but it won't erase it.

However, you've trashed her too much for her to ever be confident in your attraction to her. Your attempts at showing her you're attracted to her will feel 'false' IF you truly love her, you need to let her go.

you've blown it.

I don't think you'll ever understand it. It's not about the porn or the 'liking/adding the women and you stopping doing that, it's how much you've destroyed her confidence in herself.

So you had a tantrum for a decade or so because your wife asked you to up your game in bed?

You punished her by rejecting her and using porn? For years?

Now you’ve realised she might leave or she has stopped wanting you, you’ve sorted yourself out a bit.

And you think not using porn, not following porn stars on social, giving compliments should be enough to make her forget it all. She should just let it all go? All those years of rejection then finding out you watch porn and follow porn accounts.

I am beginning to think this is a wind up.

Does your wife use Mumsnet?

Are you actually having good sex with her now (from her perspective, not yours)?

What do you do around the house?

Do you take her out on dates?

Were you actually interacting with any of these women?

@MoonintheStreet

stop insulting teaspoons!!

the rest of your post is spot on!!

Fair point. I apologise unreservedly to all teaspoons.

I would think your shenanigans over such a long period of time have killed your wife’s attraction to you stone dead. Certainly I couldn’t fancy my husband (or even like him to be honest) if he had done this.

I will admit I haven’t always been the best with those things.

Shocker!!!!!

You've started to 'help' with your kids and the house you live in? It just gets worse and worse.
You parent your kids, you behave as a normal functional adult, neither of those things are 'helping' your wife.

Honestly, do the decent thing and divorce the woman.

I totally agree @Waitingfordoggo , that’s what killed my marriage years ago.

I wouldn't trust you either and you are a sleazy creep, you knew exactly what you were doing on SM so stop lying to yourself, your wife and us.

Ok - question for you - during the original upset did she ever ask you to leave? And did you go? How easy (from a practical point of view) would it be for her to end the marriage?

Because I suspect that she feels trapped in the marriage as leaving would be difficult. And it is hard to reconcile yourself to effectively being in prison.

Start treating her like you did when you first met.

Ask her what she wants you to do.

Buy her flowers.
Take her out for dinner or by some decent takeaways from the supermarket and prepare dinner.
Tell her she's lovely.
Do more household chores.

Did you have an affair or were you simply watching women online and adding them to your 'chat'?

I instantly realised how awful I had been

It's quite amazing how - the very instant you got caught - this realisation fell upon you!

Such a coincidence.

I want her to focus on the present and building a future rather than churning over the past

The past makes the present.

If you spoke more than one language, that's not just because you put in the effort now, but it's the culmination of your past and present efforts.

You have been treating your wife like shit for years, OP, and now you want to flick a switch and have her move on and forget all about the past? She can't, because she is still carrying the baggage YOU gave her. And no, you haven't done nearly enough to show you are changed. The odd chore, not watching porn behind her back, not following around other women on social media with your tongue hanging out, that's a fucking basic thing and certainly not a huge change that took a whole lot of effort and would make your wife think you have changed on a basic level. This looks like window dressing to stop her leaving.