how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

Divorce him he will have to pay child maintenance then

I cannot afford a divorce. Both DC have very complex needs. I cannot do it financially and have no help.

What would you H do if you just stopped paying anything towards household bills?

I’m sorry you are struggling with your children’s health, and your husband doesn’t see you as a team.

I know you said your eldest child has complex needs, and your youngest is now unwell also. Is this illness something acute or will there be ongoing health issues?

What is your work like? Is there sick pay? I think first of all, I would look at taking some time off work with stress if needed. Don’t hand your notice in immediately. Are the children entitled to DLA/PIP?

Not much of a support is he?
What does he expect to happen if you can't work because you need to be a full time carer?
What if you did stop paying the bills..

I don't know :(

Oh my goodness, I’m sorry I don’t know how that gif got there! I’ve tried to edit and it won’t allow me to remove it.

You cannot force him to support you. He’s either that way inclined or he is not.

You can beg and plead (guessing he’s already not onboard ☹️), but then you will spend extra time proving why he should pay for you to stay home with his children who have complex needs.

eldest is on pip. I may have to apply for DLA for youngest but it takes ages and it's nowhere near enough to cover my outgoings.

Work are utterly fed up with me as I have to attend weekly appointments (sometimes twice per week). I will be dismissed I think. I cannot blame them. in any case, it's too stressful to carry on. I do about 80-90h caring per week on top. I am on my knees.

illness is a complex MH issue without formal diagnosis. currently on 24/7 suicide watch. unable to attend school.

Would you consider seeking support for financial abuse? It doesn't mean you have to do anything. Consider looking at the Women's Aid website.

In the meantime, you can't legally force him to do anything whilst you are together. You could try stop contributing as PP suggested, but this may make your situation worse. I'm sorry OP, he's a shit.

You can't force him. Except by divorcing him.

Also, I would do anything I could to retain my financial independence in your situation. Giving up your ability to earn your own money, and making yourself dependent on a man who has to be 'forced' to share finances is not a good idea.

Do you have any other options? What other support might be available?

Hold on a second - you're living together, right? So if the rent doesn't get paid he's homeless too?

Do a budget, set out what you can pay and leave him to draw his own conclusions.

Other thoughts: do you get DLA for your younger kid?

Split finances can't work in your situation.

That’s awful OP. Fair enough if you didn’t want to work and had no kids etc but you literally can’t work as you have two kids with complex needs. If you’re married surely you’re a team? They’re his kids you’re looking after not the next door neighbours dog. He sounds vile and I’m sorry you’re in this situation

Oh dear, you married an absolute twat

You need birth control to stop further pregnancies (he may try to keep you hostage with string of pregnancies). and start divorce proceedings.

He is keeping you under financial control. It's a kind of abuse

This is really bad OP. Sorry

Has he never respected tex you or cared fior you or is this a new surprise development in the relationship?

Stay strong and good luck. This is not normal, it is abuse.

Explain he needs to step up or you will divorce him and leave the children in his care because that is your only option left

What is his argument for not stepping up? Does he do his share of household jobs and caring for the children?

What's the split of wages? Who pays for what?

Whats the split of household chores?

Tbh you can't legally make him share his wage without divorcing him and getting CMS - which would probably be less than he contributes now and not conducive to you giving up work. One partner giving up work only really works if both are fully supportive of this!

I think this is my greatest concern. losing my job. Working even part time has been extremely hard in my circumstances but I always did everything possible to earn at least something so I am not too dependent on him. but I cannot see how I can carry on working.

he earns 3x of what I get. I get pip and child benefit. we pay equally but he has much more left over by the end of the month (whilst I rarely do). He holidays alone etc as he can afford but I cannot. stuff like that where we do things separately as we are not on equal footing. but on a day to day basis there isn't much difference.

Have you spoken to him? What did he say?

Would he be open to you both going for some marriage counselling to sort this out? Is there anyone else perhaps that can explain to him.

My DH was like this and it took his father to tell him off for anything to change. Not suggesting you do that, but want to give you hope that people can change.

Maybe both of you go out somewhere nice together and honestly discuss it. Listen to his perspective and then you give yours. I'm sure you will come to a solution you're both happy with.

Your family situation is complex and very stressful for you all. This can hopefully have a positive end, don't give up.

I would start a conversation with DH about him taking over the child sick leave and weekly appointments because your work won’t let you do them any more as an initial starting point.

It sounds like he is the sort of man who will absolutely refuse. Then I’d ask him “what are we going to do then?” and see what he suggests.

It sounds like he is quite difficult and that the conversation will work best if it’s his idea which you agree to reluctantly because his job is “more important”.

Id also, just quietly, look at how you would be off for money if you left him and didn’t work. Universal credit is quite generous if you’ve got two disabled children, if he earns too much for uc then he would need to contribute a reasonable amount of maintenance plus you would have all of the dla etc. Day-to-day would be harder but you wouldn’t be working so you could rest in school hours, and presumably he would have them sometimes so you would get a complete break.

Firstly, stop paying any bills ASAP. Much as you can't force him to spend, even what should be joint money, on you, he can't force you to put money into the joint pot.
I think you can live separately but under the same roof, so if you can move into a spare room ( perhaps by having DC's together, or taking up a downstairs room as a bedroom) , then you might be able to claim your own UC. Either ask a solicitor about it, by using the free half hour consultation that they often provide, or ask citizens advice on it.
Of course all domestic duties such as washing and cleaning for him should stop. Effectively you are then separated although under the same roof.
If your H hates this, he might eventually stump up the cash to divorce you, which is a good result in the long run, as he is a nasty piece of work who is financially abusing you.
Once divorced you will get at least half of everything.

This. Make sure the bills have his name on (at least joint names) and prioritise food and child-related expenses. If bills aren’t paid, his credit rating will suffer.

It is a shit situation, and you should be immensely proud of yourself for having shouldered the burden so far.

Please apply for DLA. Use the cerebra guide and copy and paste anything you have from existing reports.

Use 'entitled to' to see what your finances might look like if you were divorced.

If DH is employed it's going to be hard for him to hide his earnings and if you're the main carer you get the house - if there is one. You might find yourself better off than you think and I'd bet he'd be worse off.

And stop talking about 'giving up' work. That makes it sound as though you'd decided to swan around painting miniatures instead of having a job. You aren't giving up work. You're being forced out of work.

Not loving this guy!

Ok so you say that

However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly)

I'd lead with that. Sit down with him and say, 'DC2 is out of school and needs a carer and / or a childminder. I've costed this out and it will be x (you can get the costings easily enough). I will be able to pay x percentage of this given my current hours / other bills. You will need to find the rest. I will up my hours, but may/ will lose the £81 p/w. Where shall we start?' and see what he says.