how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

He holidays alone etc as he can afford but I cannot.

Wtaf.

As posters have said this is financial abuse. If you cannot work due to your kids needs the court will compel him to provide. You do need to get away from him this is untenable.

Two questions - firstly, are the children his? Unless there is some back story where he absolutely did not want a family and you begged and promised that you'd do everything forever no matter what, I cannot fathom a man saying that about his own children, and even if you HAD pushed him into it, it sounds like he has no attachment to them at all. He sounds appalling either way.

Secondly - is he self-employed or does he have a salaried job? Because if - fingers crossed - he is salaried, you could well find yourself financially better off WITHOUT him.

Have you ever sat down (okay, third question!) and worked out first what you would be entitled to in CMS and then what benefits you might get if you were a single adult household? www.entitledto.co.uk/

He holidays alone, jeez that's a whole new level.

Does he contribute anything towards the kids?

I know separate finances work for some, but I don't get why when there's DC involved.

You explain to him that you will pay half the bills when he does half the childcare.

Then go off to work full time and leave him to pick up the pieces and attend the twice-weekly appointments.

You should give this to your employer

Your other option is to ask for flexible working hours

https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Oh god he’s awful. There’s no use trying to negotiate with him. Leave him.

You mention your child has an undiagnosed MH illness. I can’t say for sure, but I am wondering if your DC would be better if not around your DH.

So basically the children are all your responsibility even though they are half his? You should have thought about work before having disabled children? He sounds awful OP and you'd be much better off without him.

Since you split things half and he wants to continue that then fair enough. They are half his so half the costs and the responsibility is his. He has to do half the hospital visits, half the costs of everything, half the looking after, half of absolutely everything.

Hi, OP —

What a heartbreaking post. I am just here to urge you gently to follow up with those links posted by PP at 9.51

This disgrace in the guise of a man is a shell of a person. Please let Women’s Aid and other resources help you. Very best wishes

salaried and yes, they are his. no backstory.

Salaried is great news if you decide you are better off without him. Women’s Aid will explain. We think you can do it and will be glad you did

But the choice is yours

I have not read the full thread so apologies if this has already been covered. How long have you been with your employer for? I would not resign as if they wish to get rid of you they may negotiate a severance package which could be a small amount of money.

Oh dear God. He's not going to change and even if you did manage to persuade him to support you a bit, you don't want to be dependent on him.

You've had some really good advice about the help available for you to leave. Please use it.

Are they his children? 😮

Go see your GP
Tell them everything
Ask for nhs counsellor referral urgently and referral to support service
You are in an abusive relationship
There is support out there which you need
See a Cab free lawyer on divorce and finance
You are effectively on your own anyway

You know how there are a lot of useless deadbeat dads out there who, after splitting from the mother of their child(ren), refuse to pay anything to support their children, because they see it as 'giving HER my money'? They will gladly spend their money on nice things for themselves - expensive cars, fancy clothes, holidays - whilst seeing their children go without the basics, because they are just utterly selfish and couldn't care less about their kids.

He's living like this already - except that he has the benefit (from his pov) of not having to pay to support his family whilst also not being liable to pay maintenance, because he is (technically) still together with you.

I think it speaks volumes when a parent actively does not want to spend time with their children, as they see it as their 'rest' time. Yes, we all need some downtime from relentless full-on parenting; but to see spending any time at all with your kids as a drudge? And going on holidays alone, whilst his children have to stay at home, as does his wife who is run ragged looking after them?

MN is full of stories of appalling men, but I can't remember reading of a more disgusting one than him for quite some time.

,

This is just incredibly sad to read. You're a family unit, a team, and he isn't a team player. I think living alone without the resentment of having a husband who does nothing would vastly improve your mental health. Plus you'd be able to claim maintenance, benefits and qualify for single persons council tax so that would drop that cost a little. Plus any savings he has you'd be entitled to. I'd seriously look into leaving him, you deserve better and you do it all alone anyway physically.

Is change the DD details for anything in your name to the joint account and tell him that with carers, I can't afford anything except my own basic costs. But I'm not scared what his reaction will be. You are. You say you can't do it alone but what does he bring apart from half the bills and abuse?

I’m not sure they can just go for a nice meal and come to an arrangement they’re both happy with? This guy sounds like a monster. What kind of man keeps all the family money to go on holiday himself?!

Leave the pig then you will be entitled to UC etc and child maintenance from him.

Or tell him he he stay home and you will work full time.

Tell him the alternative is that he does the appointments.

This is awful op.

No practical advice beyond what other have said, but you must be able to see that even your existing arrangement is totally unfair on you.

Working part time but having to pay half of the bills while he goes in holiday. WTAF.

He sounds horrendous.

I'd be inclined to say he should give up work and you work full time but you know he won't do that.

I actually think in this situation you would be better off without him.

You are being financially abused. Does he have any redeeming qualities? How much does he contribute practically to care of the children? Does he even like you?!