how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

OP has already said that there is no joint account.

He is an abusive evil man.

You're married and they're his kids so, yes it is his problem. Stop paying. Really it's very simple. He is legally responsible for the mortgage and bills etc. He can divorce you and buy you out of the house if he wants.

You have two disabled kids and are unable to work. You'd actually get quite alot of money from benefits (in relation to having nothing from him).

Detach entirely. He does not love you or your kids. He doesn't treat you well.

Why is he not taking time off for appointments etc? It sounds like your not a team what does he give to the family apart from a 50% split of money?
He holidays alone jesus what a knob

I'm so sorry OP. What an awful man. He clearly doesn't see all you do for your shared children. I hope you find a way that works for you.

This is a genuinely sad and shocking situation you are in OP. I know that a divorce doesn't seem possible right now, but this man is in no way contributing to your life anyway. I can't see that there is anything further you can do in this marriage when your DH is unwilling to actively support his family, either financially, practically, or emotionally.
Please ask for help, seek advise on amounts and types of benefits you will receive alone and work to getting out of there.
This man has total disgregard for you, but also your children and if you can't do this for yourself then do it for them. Your, and their lives will improve massively without this man.

I’m sorry that he’s such an abusive git, OP.
50% his kids the cheeky beggar telling you to fuck off
Sounds like you’d be better off as a single parent
Good luck OP
Some good advice on this thread

The problem is that this could work if he were a decent-ish bloke who was just a bit thoughtless and could be made to realise that he isn't really doing his fair share with the children... but he would just refuse to do so, you can guarantee.

The children simply wouldn't get to go to their essential appointments or do other things that they need to, if their mum didn't facilitate it - and they both know this.

He's playing hardcore and capitalising on the fact that he could not care less about his children, and so they would be the ones to suffer if he was left to do anything for them.

He plainly cannot be reasoned with at all - not if he believes that one parent should make extensive 'what if' plans for the children long in advance of their births; whereas the other parent is 100% absolved from even having to provide them with the obvious basics once they are here.

He holidays alone because you can't afford it? This is absolutely horrific, you are supposed to be a team! What would he say if you said ok i need to work full time you need to take on the caring? I am so sorry OP, i am in a similar position in that trying to hold down a part time job with disabled or medically high-need children is nigh on impossible, but i have the support of my husband and that is priceless.

He needs to change or be asked to leave, I think. You might find you are better off not only financially but emotionally too. It won't help with appointments but have you approached Social Services for some help?

Is this a happy marriage OP. It's sounds really like it isn't. He gets to work,holiday, and leave childcare to you for the sake of his career,but you see none of the money your making the sacrifice for?

Fir example if you split he would be part of the custody arrangements for children and then would need to sort his work or take a payout to facilitate the time he would then need to be with his kids. Let's say 2 days for now.

So your picking up that burden for parenting he doesnt want ( or for now what you both decided isnt what you want) to do. ( for want of a better word but this explains the point more consisely).

He needs to pay you an affordable allowance. Break down all your household finances incomes v outgoings and it'll be clear where and what the gap is to him and what he needs to fill.

Co sider this though OP by now caring for the children over work your now in worse financial position for his gain, ( so he doesn't do any caring).

What a twat for not treating you right. Stand upto him. Leave him then watch as you get % of assets etc even but get proper legal advice if you going down that route before he gets wind of anything.

I know that he isn't the type to employ reasoning or logic, but I wonder how he would even attempt to justify the holidays thing.

OK, he doesn't value or respect OP at all and thinks that she should pay for her own holidays, or miss out if she can't afford to; BUT surely that should mean that he takes the children on holiday on his own?

Surely he realises that it is completely the normal way for parents to pay for things for their (juvenile) children, who cannot earn any money of their own? Or does he blame them for not planning ahead and saving the money for holidays themselves before they were actually born?

@Lostmymarbles0815 you might want to look at the laws on coercive control. The sort of financial arrangements you and your husband have could be seen as financial abuse, and therefore a version of coercive control.

If he is not contributing to the care and support of his own children, I'd say this is financial abuse, and it's coercing you to stay in a marriage in which you're being abused.

But I am not a lawyer ...

He is abusing you. This is financial abuse.

What nationality and ages are you both?
How old are the children?
Also, are you in the UK?

This is appalling. There was a couple who lived across the street from us growing up and the man earnt loads and lived a luxurious lifestyle while his wife begged and borrowed from neighbours to feed and clothe their son and daughter.
He eventually died and left all his money and house to their son.
Some men are just plain evil towards woman. He would slag her off to all the neighbours for being poor and worthless.

You NEED to divorce this thing, he is getting a kick out of degrading you and holding all the power, don't let him.
Show your children this is unacceptable. Life WILL be better without that in it.

D I V O R C E

run to a solicitor, get him out. He sounds bloody horrible

He is a charmer isn't he?
You are not going to change him, I think you must know that by now. Your best option is to seperate. Go through the CSA to get maintenance. Apply for UC and DLA for your child with MH issues. How old are they? Can you also consider an EHCP for them? Or is there any suitable alternative provision?
You have an awful lot to deal with. You need to get some advice/steps to take. Free solicitor consultation or womens aid? You are being financially abused and emotionally abused.

Why haven't you divorced him yet? You'll be much better off without him, in every sense of the word. You'll be able to claim UC to make up the shortfall of losing your wages, and you will not have to search for work as you are a carer. You can put an end to this abuse right now by getting rid of him.

I'd also bet he doesn't love you or want to be with you but doesn't want to have to pay you child support so he's staying with you and making you support yourself and the kids.
I bet he won't stay once the children grown up.

nailed it in one.
He considers you trapped and under hs control. He wants you to have no money.

Why I want to know how old the DCs are.

He WANTS you to be let go from work.

It is his aim.

wtf is wrong with these men? Why can’t you divorce him? I’m pretty sure you’d be financiallymand psychologically better off. I would also start openly discussing this with friends and family and shaming the fucker.

DH needs to do 50% of appointments and caring in order for you to earn and work
if he needs to reduce his hours, then so be it.

In all honesty, this man sounds like he has checked out quite literally.

He isn’t committed to you or the kids. He views them as your responsibility. You shouldn’t have gone part time when he already earns x3. You also shouldn’t be paying 50/50.

Regardless of the divorce (I doubt he would mind), he already earns x3 and you both sound quite young. Eventually, he will swan off to the sunset and earn x4 and x5 more than you.

Women shouldn’t shoulder the whole burden of caring for kids. You shouldn’t have had the second child when you know the first has complex needs. You’re going to be on benefits, meanwhile he won’t struggle one bit. He can easily get another mortgage. I’m not saying to be harsh, but he will most likely start a new family as he is relatively young and just CMS to the ones he already has.

Unfortunately, you ruined your own future and children’s by taking the whole responsibility of the kids. Not expecting him to do it and share 50/50. You need to use your backbone, say no and be strong. You ruined your career to preserve his. Now, you want to be dependent on him but he won’t support you.

There’s still time to change this. Demand 50/50, go back full time and make him go to appointments. If he had to reduce his hours, that’s his problem.

Do you have a pension?

I am so sorry you are in this situation @Lostmymarbles0815 Like the others I am shocked at his callousness. There just doesn’t seem any point to being married to him at all, does there?

I sense you feel trapped and not sure what to do but I hope you can approach Women’s Aid to ask for guidance as a first step.