how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

This is just awful to read. What a terrible man to treat you like this.

So sorry OP that you are in this horribly abusive relationship while also working so hard for your children - you are amazing. You would be financially better off if you divorce. You will be entitled to a proportion of his assets and he will have to pay a percentage of his salary to you as child maintenance, and you will be entitled to Universal Credit and DLA. You will clearly be massively better off emotionally too. And even more important, your children will be emotionally safe. They are suffering too from you being in this abusive relationship, it's a really unhealthy situation for them to be living in, and they will also be really suffering from having a father who clearly doesn't enjoy parenting them and doesn't pay them attention. Please get all of you out of there.

Agree with so many others - he is financially abusive - https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/ under the "Exploit your economic situation" heading is "refuse to contribute to household costs"

Is he the type of person that would be responsive if you point out that his refusal to contribute is illegal under the domestic violence laws? I suspect I know the answer unfortunately.

I would suggest contacting Women's Aid and talking it through with them. I'm sorry to hear your DC are both struggling.

I hope you can take something from this post to realise that even your original arrangement with him was abusive. It's totally unfair of him to just be swanning off on holiday while you (and his children) stay home because he doesn't have the decency to spend more than just 50% of the household bills on someone other than himself.

It sounds like he's conditioned you into believing this is acceptable.

All I will say is, thank goodness you're married.

Get him to confirm everything by text message or email if you can, then have his guts for garters at a divorce court.

He's a piece of sht. Holidaying alone because you can't afford to take yourself and the kids also. I can't recall if you said you rent, your best bet is to divorce him I think, DLA for your second, carers allowance, UC and maintenance. And you wouldn't have to put up with this dckhead

Agh sorry I put a star into the swear word and it's bolded my comment

Assuming they are his children too - I don't normally say this, but you need to leave him

What a cunt.

You will almost certainly be better off financially if you divorce him. You will DEFINITELY be better off emotionally.

My ExH kept saying "no divorce, no divorce" while biding his time, financially controlling me, emotionally abusing me and DCs, going on holiday on his own and having affairs/using women. Ruining my reputation with everyone. Thinking he had it all worked out and that I was thick. Using my children to gain trust of other women on the days he "babysat", to pick up other women.

But, at 14, when DCs could speak for themselves, I was out of there. I had known all along what he was doing.
100% custody plus all the CMS plus a share of family home. A large share. He also now has a criminal record for domestic violence.

Bolt from the blue when he was arrested. The outrage!
It was in no way a fair settlement as he is a psychopath and a liar but I am free!!! Fabulous.

He tried to make me homeless. He tried to prove I was mad with a court psychologist. Nothing worked.

Divorce him. He's financially abusing you. What sort of person earns 3x the salary and make you pay 50:50 while you do all the caring responsibilities? He's a wanker. Leave. He will have to pay CM. You'll get pip, child benefit, carers allowance, apply for DLA and UC. You will be better off financially. You might also be better off physically if he steps up and bothers to see his kids.

He isn't supporting you, expects you to pay half the bills and being married to him prevents you claiming the benefits you need to be able to care for your DC.

He's a dead weight, you will be financially much better off if you split up. You can claim benefits as soon as you are separated, no need to wait for the divorce. That can be sorted later and you can do a lot of it yourself.

FFS these men make me puke. They have no morals whatsoever. I'm so sorry you've been living like this.

Does he have a lot of spare money to spend on himself in which case that is not fair. You need to sit down and ask your DH what is his solution to the problem of childcare. If you just say I'm giving up work and won't be earning anything apart from carers allowance perhaps he is worried about paying bills.

My very first LTB. And I don’t say that lightly !

Please please listen to everyone yelling you that this is financial abuse. Contact Womens Aid, plan your exit, but keep very quiet about it all.

I'm willing you on. This is one of the most awful situations that I've come across. You and your children deserve a better life away from this man.

@Viviennemary did you read OPs posts? He's a monster.

Contact Women's Aid OP. You are being abused.

I would divorce him, he would have to cover your legal fees as he's the one being abusive in the relationship.

Good god OP, my heart goes out to you.

I have had to dramatically cut my hours to support one of my DC who is experiencing significant MH issues and is unable to attend school. It isn't the life I imagined or wanted for me or for them, and it is a daily struggle to watch them struggle. Life is pretty hard right now.

But DH and I are a team. It is not even a question that he is supporting the family financially while I focus on supporting our DC who is unwell and also our other two DC. If anything, he feels guilty that he is able to continue working and keep that normality, while I have had to put my life on hold and be on the front-line, so to speak. He also supports me making time for myself and understands its essential for me to keep my own head above water.

Your husband is a monster. I really hope you can find a way to free yourself from him.

Are they his children?
Divorce him, you are worth more and will be so much happier xx

What's his company like day to day? Do you chat and enjoy each other's company? Have a laugh and giggle together or is it constant hostility?
Do you spend family time together bbqs and days out etc? Meet friends/family?
Or are you practically living separate lives?

@finallysummer click 'see all' on OPs posts to see all her replies to this thread.

Hi OP,
Your husbands attitude is disgusting - he won't support you, he won't look after the kids so you can work. I don't think you have any choice but to leave him do you?

Unlike your husband, benefits will support you, and your husband will have to pay maintenance (which I believe isn't counted against your benefits). If your husband has contact with the kids then you will get time off.

Take a look at the entitledto website to start getting an idea of finances as a single parent.

I suppose the only thing that might make your husband play ball is when he realises you are likely to be awarded over half of everything you have as a couple (I say that because you are the lower earner/main carer for child).

Personally I think if you got rid of your selfish unsupportive husband you would feel fantastic.

Divorce is the answer.

Speak to a solicitor, make the most out of a free 30 mins consultation.

You are basically not married to him now. He keeps his own money while you keep house and children for him, so he can swan off on holiday on his own.

You say you have no family to help you. You do - HIM! And the fact you feel that way says a lot about him.

I don't need to tell you, but you should be a united family unit, working through enjoying life's ups and downs together and money shouldn't be an issue as having you and your DC in his life, should be the most important thing. Doesn't sound like it is, and he doesn't care about your welfare and how you're coping. Sorry, I haven't got any advice, but do look into the suggestions given by others. If you haven't got the money to pay towards the bills, what's he going to do. Worst case scenario and he tells you to go (don't, stay in the matrimonial home!) and that'll be seen as very unfavourable by any Court in the future.

Your h is controlling financially and emotionally abusive.
Just stop paying any bills, he’ll either step up or leave.

he earns 3x of what I get. I get pip and child benefit. we pay equally but he has much more left over by the end of the month (whilst I rarely do). He holidays alone etc as he can afford but I cannot. stuff like that where we do things separately as we are not on equal footing. but on a day to day basis there isn't much difference.

@Lostmymarbles0815 I have read all your posts and the more you post, the more I am appalled by what I am reading. You called him 'H' so I assume you are married? The balance of your relationship should not be like this, especially if you are married and he is Abusing you, verbally and financially.

I would see a solicitor about getting a divorce, or at the very minimum, seeking advice. Also Women's Aid and maybe Citizens Advice You might be surprised at what you are entitled to when you have 2 disabled children to care for

Of course you are struggling, but you can't go on like this. This man is NOT kind, caring, or even interested in being part of a family, from what you say. You will be much better off without him. Please don't think you can't manage without him. He's doing sweet FA for any of you