how can I force H to support my financially in giving up work

[Lostmymarbles0815]

that's if. He doesn't want to. we have split finances. I already only work part time as DC1 has complex SN. I manage by having my part time salary and child benefit and their PIP. However, DC2 is unwell and will in all likelihood not be able to return to school soon. Too many appointments, I will not be able to carry on working and my only income will be carers allowance (£81 weekly). H earns too well for UC. I cannot pay my share of the bills on that. I have no family, no friends and no support network. What do I do? I have some saving but they will not last long. I need to gain access to his salary. how can I legally force him to share?

From what I've observed, there are two types of shit dad out there.

The ones who fundamentally care about their children and want them to have a happy life with all possible advantages but are happy to coast if someone else is around to offload the work onto. So they don't mind exploiting their partners but will reluctantly step up if they have to. Because they are committed to their kids having good parenting, even if ideally not by them.

Then there are the ones who start and end with "Me, myself and I". They don't care about their kids enough to put them first, or at least provide them with a decent standard of care and make them feel emotionally secure. If left to care for the kids, they just won't do it or will do such a shit job that the kids will suffer.

Yes, absolutely, if you are unlucky enough to co-parent with one of the first type of dad, walk out. Leave them to parent by themselves. Give them a taste of their own medicine and see how much work they can do while single-handedly looking after two disabled kids.

But unfortunately it sounds like the OP's H falls into the second category. Which means game over, really. You can't force someone not to be absolute scum, you can't educate them, all you can do is decide that you're no longer going to live with it and it can take itself out.

Where have I used the word feminist/feminism? This is basic human rights. I’m shocked and appalled at the same time. Showing empathy doesn’t mean sugarcoating everything and not having facts/reality. You sound so bizarre. Yikes.

Split finances is only fair when both parties are positioned equally. You can only work part time due to caring for his children so no way should bills be split 50/50

What husband is unwilling to provide financial assistance to his wife and kids?? That's unconscionable to me. What a giant twat.

Oh OP this is at a family or marriage or partnership. I earn 3x my DH but the money is just family money. He should be seein his wage as all of you as you do far more than him. Of course you should both get a day off at the weekend. Tell him if you divorce he’ll get far less time and you’ll get far more money from him and you’ll still be able to work.

Get in touch with survivingeconomicabuse.org (England and Wales I believe)

I think the shocking thing on threads like these is that any single one of us could find ourselves in a situation where a spouse starts to behave frighteningly abusively. Ilegally. From the educated millionaires to church wardens to devoted fathers of 6 to drug addicts or teachers, lawyers or doctors. Women do it too. It can happen no matter how "in control" you think you are. How much the spouse "does 50/50".

What the fuck can you do? It is terrifying if has crept up and been a sort of insidious or planned abuse. It is incredibly hard to get out of. Incredibly.

Nobody is truly safe from cruelty if you think about it.

You could just wake up, transfer all the money and savings and disappear if you really wanted to...

I honestly feel it fortuitous that my XH stayed in the country and faced court. I would not have put it past him to bugger off to wherever he had hidden his money. (Except, he had been forbidden to leave the country, otherwise I think he would have)

What honestly, would I have done? What would you do?

Poor OP. I promise you will get through this. You will, really. We are all here plus the legal board is really helpful when you get a bit further down the road.

You are in an abusive relationship. For your sake and the sake of your children, you need to get out. There is nothing else to say. If you decide to stay with him, there are no tips that can improve things.

You need to leave him. He doesn’t love you or your children. Making you pay 50 percent of the bills when he earns 3x we much we you and holidaying without you is awful. Not letting you stop work with a suicidal child and refusing to help is beyond all comprehension. He’s a monsters. Runaway!

This sounds very like financial abuse op. Your husband earns 3x your wage but you pay 50/50? This is not how an equal partnership/marriage should be working. Your money should be for the family meaning it's all one budget. Sure some people split bills but if that was the case it should be 70:30 based on income.

I completely understand why you are struggling with part time work and trying to care for your children and I know doing it alone might be harder but I would really encourage you to consider the relationship and his attitude towards yourself and your children.

I would find a carer/specialist nanny and hire that in if he says nothing can be done. And I’d cut costs back to afford it. Because if he can’t pull his weight then he’s going to have to pay for it.

Haven’t read whole thread but you will be financially better off leaving and renting on your own while you divorce him. You will get carers allowance+universal credit+ PIP+DLA. The UC is topped up for the disabled children eg higher rate DLA means more UC. You also need help from social care so you get a break. I found they were good when I separated as it’s financially in their interests to support you as a carer than your kids go into residential. You need to explain their dad is not helping. Use a benefits calculator. Plus once you separate you can claim CM. Disabled children social workers are sadly used to dads walking away from their responsibilities and hopefully will support you. Carers charities can help with benefit forms etc. The UC support for very disabled children is quite generous for those with highest level needs (although there is a cliff edge when your kids age out of the system and claim their own benefits). Depending on age of child with PIP depends whether better to keep on your claim to age 20 or for them to claim themselves (but have contribute care costs). Charities like contact have info on what you are entitled to. UC is probably more than you think but getting the DLA at higher rate is crucial as it then passports to other top ups. Ask for a disabled child and parent carer social care assessment. There may be someone at school who is a family support worker too. As long as you stay with him his income will deny you benefits even though he is not sharing this with you. If you leave it’s just your income that’s counted and if both kids get disability benefits you will be able to manage. Put some scenarios though entitledto eg different rates DLA and see. Also if you gave up work and claimed carers allowance or reduced your hours.

Is it down to him you have no friends or support network?

Have you contacted Contact- the disabled children's charity. 0808 808 3555. They are open 9.30amtill 5pm...
They have a fab helpline and can chat to ease some of the mental burden of caring for a child with complex needs- allof the advisors have experience of caring. (Listening ear service)
They can also help you if you are entitled to any benefits and help you with accessing grants for things outside normal NHS treatments bikes, car seats, wheelchairs etc....

What would happen if you said on Saturday morning I am going out and left him with the DC?

Surely you would be better off divorced. He would be paying you maintenance, you’d get half the assets value, and you’d have your freedom back. This is no way to live. What a complete prick- this is abusive. Women’s aid would be a good first call for you, in sure they be able to offer you lots of advice. Wishing you the best of luck x

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

This is such an awful situation and leaving him is the only way out. He is not a husband or father in any sense. I worry his his behaviour affects all your MH it must place enormous pressure on the three of you. Please follow the advice given and get him to leave, this is no life for you or your children.

This.

You may be better off if they do dismiss you.That way your husband will have to accept that you are not working.

What an evil man. Absolute waste of space.

I'm so sorry OP. What a dreadful way to be treated. I'd making getting away from him my number 1 priority.

Op, he sounds like an absolute arsehole, and you would be way better off without him.
He’s vile and abusive
Sorry you’re going through this.

@Lostmymarbles0815 I'm so sorry you're in this awful situation. Unfortunately you are in an abusive marriage. Things will not change until you get help to leave. Please contact womens aid. What kind of man goes on holiday on his own and leaves his wife because she cant afford it? He doesnt love or care about you. Please consider taking steps to leave.

Op, your husband sounds like a massive twat.

We’re in a similar position with 2 Neurodiverse kids, who have both had issues with mental health & periods off school for the last 2 years. We have both of them home some days now.

We both work. It’s really bloody hard & I don’t know how long we’re going to be able to keep going. We’ve only managed so far out of necessity as we can’t afford to live off one wage. I know a lot of families in our position that only have one parent working as it’s unmanageable to both work.

I’ve recently gone to flexi time which helps especially with appointments. I know how exhausting these can be.

More importantly- we’re a TEAM. If I need a break he picks up & vice versa. We both do stuff with the kids & whether that’s fun or a caring responsibility, we do it together. Because they’re our children. No way would he ever tell me I should have anticipated this & planned better. They’re a joint responsibility.

Your husband sounds like he only sees them as yours. What is he actually contributing here? If you were a single parent you’d surely be entitled to universal credit?

& that’s before we get into his attitude & the fact he shouts at you. 😡

Thanks all. I am reading all the posts. I am having a difficult day with one of the DC so cannot reply to all of them. 🙏