Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

You can do this. Leave for you. Leave for your daughter or you will lose her. The moment you leave your life can start without this abuse utter loser.

He will kill you. Either for real or emotionally. Show your daughter some strength and get out immediately. With the help of women’s aid and police as he’s bloody dangerous.

I know this. This is exactly what I said to him. That if I carry on choosing him I'm going to lose her. That's whats keeping me going right now.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult and painful when objectively I know what this is.

A trauma bond is extremely powerful. That's why it's so hard. The only way is to leave and break off contact. Otherwise, he will suck you back into his toxic vortex with manipulation.
Your intellect needs to take the lead here, not your emotions. You know he isn't two different people, he's one rancid person who manipulates you with love bombing when he senses you are thinking of leaving. You know none of it means anything. Go with what you know to be true.

Op, would it help you to document all the abusive, awful things he’s done (you could do that here if you feel comfortable)? Then read it when you waver. Please don’t write it anywhere he could find it though.

I know you can do this- I can see your strength and self awareness in your post. Please don’t be like my MIL, whose situation is very similar to yours. FIL just died; she is finally happy and enjoying life but is filled with immense regret about all the chances she had to leave but didn’t. 3 out of her four kids are absolute screw ups in life because they are so affected by the abusive environment of their house. She is 76 - she might get ten good years if she’s lucky. You deserve so much more than a ten year life and it’s out there for you and the kids.

Leave carefully, put yourself and the kids first, and you’ll have a hugely better quality of life in 12 months time.

Also wanted to say your DD is young enough that you can recover this with her, when you are away from him.

She’ll always remember that night when her Dad came over to save her but how amazing when she remembers that the ending to the story was how you then left him. She will feel so loved and protected by you and she will learn right then how she should be treated by a man.

I once watched a documentary where someone referred to Hitler as “no kill joy” saying he had a good sense of humour. Bastards are bastards but you can often find something likeable in and amongst it all. Doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.

Sorry you’ve already wasted so much time on him.

Make a plan and get the eff outta there! X

Thank you to everyone who's replied. I've been here so many times before and he's always managed to convince me that he's realised his mistakes and will make efforts to change, and then a few weeks or months later the cycle begins again and I'm so submerged in it that I dont realise until something bad enough happens to make me.

I really want to stay strong this time and actually walk away, as much as it hurts me and as much as I worry about mine and the kids' future. Realistically there's nowhere I can go in the immediate term, so I'm trying to hold onto my resolve while he's being really nice and reasonable and has all these epiphanies about his behaviour and tells me how much he adores me and how he's going to change. It's so difficult to resist that when all I want deep down is to have a normal, healthy, loving relationship with him.

I KNOW this is all textbook. But fuck it's hard.

You don’t just need resolve, you need faith. Faith that even though at first you will want to go back, that eventually the fog will clear and you WILL see this for what it is and be so disgusted you will never ever return. Have faith first and the resolve will come.

you also need to have faith that you will meet someone lovely who treats you properly. You can have a loving healthy relationship, but not with him. What’s waiting for you is better. So much better.

That's a lovely way to look at it @PinkLemonade555, thank you

Get help. This will be one of the most difficult things in your life, you are struggling because you need support.

Women's Aid will give you all the help you need, practical advice and support without the emotional distress. Reading advice here will help but in person support is invaluable.

Best of luck x

In this situation I needed tough love. Ie friends refusing to speak to me about the on/off abuse until I sorted things. Once I had a DC however, I acted. Subject yourself to abuse if you must, but to do this to your daughter is beyond the pale. She won’t forgive you and you won’t forgive yourself for that

You are right @RosieAway. I'm not going to back down this time.

I'm feeling a bit stronger today but keep having waves of sadness and panic and I'm really struggling to focus at work. I have an exam in 2 weeks that I'm completely unprepared for too. This is hell.

Clear some headspace to let you get on and do this. Postpone your exam (if it's a university one, this is what extenuating circumstances are for).

If your 10 year old daughter can call for help, knowing it means being separated from her mother, then you can get help and get away from this appalling abuser.

What is your housing situation? Are you married to this person? Do you have access to money?

It's normal to forget the loving, kind man is the same person as the abuser. Your brain can't compute that they're the same person. Look up Richard Grannon on YouTube.

The exam isn't a university one and the course leaders haven't been particularly supportive or flexible so far, but I do have a call with them on Wednesday to explain the circumstances and see if there's any way they can help me. Given how they've been so far though I may just have to power through.

Yes, we're married. Our housing situation is a bit complicated, we rent our house but we're also landlords as he owns two other properties. We live in an expensive area, so I think I'd struggle to privately rent here by myself. DD's secondary school application is coming up soon so it's a critical time for her, although I know that's not the be all and end all.

I've asked him if we can have a conversation tonight about our realistic options for one of us moving out. He briefly suggested giving notice to one set of tenants and moving in there. I'm not really sure where that leaves me though.

I've got birthdays and parties coming up for 2 of my kids in the next few weeks as well. I know that's not as important as this stuff, but it's just more stuff to organise and feel overwhelmed by. Argh.

The shit person is who he really is.

The nice person is who he pretends to be to reel you back in.

Can the children's dad not step up and take care of birthdays this time?

If you keep putting it off for birthdays, parties, christmas etc etc you'll never do it, because, realistically there is never a "good" time to leave.

Funnily enough I've just messaged DD's dad and asked if he can sort out her party and presents for me.

I'm not putting it off, just feel so completely overwhelmed that I don't know where to start and feel almost paralyzed by the weight of it all.

Have just sat and written 6 separate lists of things which need to be done. So that's something.

Well done! You're taking the first steps

Make a list of things he's done

Read it back to yourself as if your friend / sister is telling you what her partner has done

Think about your kids

Kick his arse out (however that looks)

You've fucking got this OP 💪🏻

What are the schools like around your DD's fathers house? She might be better off staying with him

He lives close to us and this is also something I've discussed with him.

As far as the practicalities go, as hard as it will be, I know it'll work out somehow and I am making baby steps in the right direction. I've been a single mum before so I know I can do it again. He knows I want a divorce and seems to be coming to terms with that.

Initially he was apologising and telling me how amazing I am and begging for another chance to change, but now he's doing this weird epiphany thing where he's basically admitting all the ways he's been abusive towards me and theorising out loud about why he subconsciously has so little respect for me to have treated me so badly. I've had to tell him to shut up and find a counsellor to talk to because it's such a headfuck, almost like he's this casual observer with no accountability for his own behaviour and with absolutely no empathy for the fact that he's talking my actual experiences at his hands. Plus most of the things he's been admitting and musing over he's spent years denying and telling me is all in my head, so that's been quite galling too.

Despite all that, what I'm struggling with is letting go of the emotional connection and the grief of what I thought our relationship and future would look like. I'm just so, so sad that my marriage has turned into this. I really went into it thinking it would be forever. And my brain still keeps focusing on all the happy times and thinking about how much I love him.

I just wanted to say I’m in a very similar circumstances to you - what you said above is exactly what I’ve been going through these last few years and your most recent post is exactly what I’ve experienced from him these last few weeks since he’s realised I’m serious about separating.

He has now finally admitted he’s treated me appallingly and signed up to a domestic abuse perpetrator group.

I now feel guilty as he is trying but every so often the mask slips and he shows up as before I use this to remind me I’m making the right decision. I look at my children and from all the reading I have done its helped me see that his behaviour has had a direct impact on how they are and the way they now act. This understanding of the impact on children has made the most impact in respect of me making the decision.

Lundy Bancroft - When Dad hurts mum is one of the books that gave me a good understanding and opened my eyes.

If your not getting support from women’s aid already I highly recommend you speak to them they run courses you can attend to help you take your power back and keep the confidence up to leave permanently. I found this really helped give me the strength to finally jump.