Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

I'm worried if I stand up to him things might escalate into aggression or worse again @gamerchick. I'm trying to keep the peace until one of us can move out. Grey rock as others have said.

Thank you @chanceornochance, that's all really good advice. Especially about reducing my expectations. That's where I fell down last night.

The only person you can control is you. Don’t try to beg, borrow, wheedle or wait for him to move out. The more you want something the less he will do it. Just make your plans and leave as fast as yoou can. Property and asset division can happen after.

He's not going to move out. Why would he when he can get sex from you and you are dancing to his tune.

Is he the father of your younger sons? If not they should stay with family until you have left. What you are doing keeping them around that man is verging on neglect. What will it take for you to pack up your things and go?

I hear you @ClickClickety. But I have nowhere to go immediately, short of a refuge. I'm waiting to hear back from the council about potentially being housed by them and I'm looking for private rentals, but the market is a nightmare round here so I haven't seen anything affordable or suitable yet.

He's given notice to the tenants. He's also said he'll look for a short term room in the meantime. Apparently the tenants are hoping to leave sooner than the 8 weeks notice because of a holiday they have planned. So I'm quietly hopeful.

We're currently not really communicating at all, other than briefly about the kids. He's still being very calm and reasonable. I know he's worried about his job and having to disclose his arrest last year, so I think it's in his own interests to be honest. He'd be totally fucked if he was arrested again.

Yes, the younger two are his. Social services called yesterday. I think they're going to offer him some sort of early intervention or parenting support or something. They were supportive of me leaving.

How are you getting on OP?

Thank you for asking... Much the same here in that I'm still basically just waiting for him to move out. He's still acting calm and indifferent towards me in front of the kids but has ambushed me a few more times in the evenings to lecture me about how I have borderline personality disorder. Apparently that's the reason I'm leaving him, as it makes you unstable and impulsive and has caused me to overreact to his behaviour, with the insinuation obviously that his treatment of me hasn't been that bad after all

He also keeps asking me for sex... And it's dawned on me that what he's essentially trying to do is stamp on my self esteem and then make me grateful that he still wants me. To be honest that's probably what's been going on for years and I fell for it. It's eye opening seeing it for what it is.

On the plus side, my exam is out of the way and I'm feeling quite accomplished and proud of myself for completing the course and managing to do well despite the circumstances. Family and friends are being supportive and work are being really understanding about me taking some time off to get myself sorted. I went to the gym today for the first time in a long time and had brunch with my oldest friend who also did my eyebrows for me as a treat.

So all in all I'm feeling quietly strong and optimistic. I do worry that it'll all come crashing down when he actually moves out and the reality of life on my own with 3 kids dawns on me though. I'm also anxious that he's going to delay moving out or become difficult or aggressive again when he realises he can't gaslight me into submission anymore. But I'm just taking it one day at a time.

He's gone out tonight, which I think is an attempt to make me feel anxious about where he's gone and who he's with, as he's normally a total introvert who doesn't go anywhere or have many friends. But I'm trying really hard not to let it bother me.

Congratulations on taking your exam I'm so happy for you its done now. Im glad your friends and family are supportive, make sure you are doing little things you enjoy every day to fill your cup as much as you can. My therapist also told me to stop every day for 5 minutes and think about my needs and my feelings (for many reasons this does not come naturally for me) and make decisions based on those and not other peoples wants. perhaps that advice would help you too?
looks like you are moving in the right direction so keep going!💐

Hey OP, how are you getting on? I feel like I could have written this, im currently going through exactly the same thing and reading this has made me realise that maybe I'm not the crazy one

Hey @throwaway88, I'm really sorry to hear that. What's been going on with you?

I'm still waiting for exH to move out, hopefully by the end of this month. I thought I was doing ok, but I've really emotionally crashed this week. Part of it is sadness and grief that this is what my marriage has turned out to be, and part of it is having to deal with him throwing different manipulation tactics at me on a daily basis (which of course he would deny and then get angry at me for calling him a gaslighter!).

One minute he's acting really cheerful like we're pals, then he's being really cold and saying he's relieved he's going to be 'free' of me, then he's telling me he loves me, then he's ranting at me about how I'm the abusive one and I'm mentally ill and he should have left me years ago, bringing up every negative thing I've ever done or said throughout the relationship to prove his point. The latter comes any time I say anything to him that he perceives as a criticism, which is pretty much anything I say.

None of it is really new behaviour, it's all part of his usual script, but the speed at which he's cycling through it all is giving me whiplash and making it really difficult for me to keep myself grounded and trust my own judgment of the situation. But I'm just trying to ride it out and be grateful that he's not getting aggressive again to be honest.

I'm struggling a bit today.

After telling me out of the blue on Wednesday night (after I'd been out for a drink with a friend) that he loved me, didn't want any animosity between us and hoped I was ok, yesterday morning he launched into a huge rant/attack on my character, acting as though it was his decision to end the relationship, telling me that my refusal to acknowledge and do anything about my (imaginary) mental illness was unforgivable, that I've been abusive throughout the relationship and he should have left me years ago, that I'm responsible for all our relationship problems and also for all of his awful behaviour towards me, because I 'changed his personality' with my abuse. He brought up several negative things I've done or said in the past as evidence, mostly from many years ago.

This tirade from him was in response to me asking him to have more empathy and be more careful around DD10, after he almost said something about us getting divorced in front of her (she doesn't know yet and I'm not planning to tell her until he's physically moving out because I know it'll upset her) and then laughed about his mistake like it's all a big joke.

In the book about abusive relationships I'm reading, it does explain how when you choose to end the relationship, the abuser will often try to take back the power and control by acting like it was their decision and by putting all the blame for the relationship ending onto you. But even though it's quite literally textbook, it's still really fucking hurt me and messed with my head, and there's a part of me now that's questioning my own behaviour and reactions and wondering if there's any truth in his words.

Hey! This is pretty much textbook behaviour. It's so weird as my DH has pretty much done the same thing yesterday. I had a bit of a wobble and asked if we should get a trial separation rather than a straight up divorce. He then went on a tirade (via text) asking me if I think I'm capable of changing, how I'm abusive and controlling and I don't even realise. That I never listen to him or accept that he might be right, a total attack. Not once has he acknowledged any of his behaviour.

The thing is he sounds so convincing that even I was questioning whether he was right and if I am just a horrible person. (I know I'm not perfect, but I'm definitely not the crazy monster he makes out I am).

This morning he has then woken up cheerily and asked if I want breakfast (he hasn't asked me this in about 2 years but somehow wants to start playing happy families). It's all so confusing and I really don't know what he wants.

So sorry you're going through the same thing @throwaway88 and thank you for replying. I hope you're ok? It's such a headfuck isn't it, even though I know it's a tactic it's still really upset me and been playing on my mind.

Mine has barely spoken to me since and has completely stopped doing anything around the house or with the kids, presumably to highlight how difficult my life is going to be without him.

@Cryingatthegym it's really mentally exhausting isn't it. When he's being nice, I start to wonder whether I'm just over reacting and that we could maybe give it another go.

We don't have kids which makes it easier, I can't imagine how I'd cope with children being involved so kudos to you.

Hopefully you are counting down the days until he moves out - it's at the end of the month isn't it ? and it's 19th now so only 12 days to go...

tho I would not be the least bit surprised if he doesn't move out, that's when you really do need to put on your big girl pats and deal with the situation.

Did school finish today for the summer holidays ? can you take the children away for a couple of weeks ?

don't allow him to mess with your head - stop listening to him 9 mentally sing yourself a song or something ) and remember do not allow him to ' comfort you ' as that only led to sex last time and you need to be disengaging.

That's the cycle of abuse. They know you'd have nothing to do with them if they were abusive 24/7, so they throw you some crumbs of niceness to get you hoping. They almost never change, even with therapy.

Yes he says the end of the month - although he won't commit to a date as he says he's still waiting for one tenant to confirm their move out date. I spoke to Women's Aid today as it happens and they suggested that a refuge could be an option if he refuses to leave or starts being difficult when the time comes.

I've been trying my hardest not to let him get to me, but my resilience seems to have taken a bit of a nose dive this week. I feel physically and mentally really run down and exhausted as well. Last night I start looking into the symptoms of PTSD and genuinely wondering if I might have it. I'm off to my mum's for the night tonight, so hopefully the break will help. Kids have another week at school sadly, otherwise going away would be a brilliant idea.

I'm far beyond wanting him to comfort me now... The benefit of him being the way he has been the last few weeks is that it's absolutely solidified in my mind that I'm making the right decision! But even though objectively I know it's all manipulation tactics from him, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment, especially when he's relentlessly attacking my character and playing the victim the way he does.

I can really recommend this book which explains that the niceness is part of the abuse cycle and is designed to make you doubt yourself and your experiences:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Was-Even-Abuse-Restoring-clarity/dp/1739102606?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=be15c470-8ec7-4535-b468-a99ce80bab85

Sorry you are going through this. It's hard, but please leave for yourself and your daughter. You can do this. The first step is to recognize that you are in an abusive marriage. Next, please think about a year, 2 years from now with someone who sees you as a possession, not a human being. This is so wrong!

This confirms everything you already know. He is putting himself above EVERYONE even his own children.

My god, I could have written your post word for word. The only thing different is my DD is 6. The getting angry when Ill, yes I remember this one so well. He used to belittle me and make me cry then walk around the house whistling. I now can't stand anyone whistling near me. He mused to keep me up all night, waking me at 30 min intervals until he eventually passed out around 5.
I would then get up with DD at 6am.
Taking money from me without me knowing. Not letting me drive my own car. Breaking most things I own, including an Xmas present my dad got me. I remember once I wouldn't let him take my lighter to work, he threw it against the wall so it shattered and said now we both can't use it, you fucking cunt.
He lied constantly, I would find items of womens clothing in my car, he would lock me inside my flat with him in it, take my keys and my phone and taunt me for hours and hours to the point I begged him to stop.
Locked me in a car once and raced round country lanes while I was 6/7 months pregnant & in tears (he knew I was scared of fast cars). I wasn't allowed to talk to my sister. He made me feel like all his family would talk about me and how unstable I was. Even writing this looking back I think wow, how did I not leave?

My mum blames me, tells me it's my fault for going back time after time.

If you need to talk, I'm here.

Sending Strength xx

I’m so sorry you are going through this
here to support you! Its really confusing when they go hot and cold nice and nasty and you never know what to expect
I was dreading coming home from work yesterday as I got screamed at about money for car repairs
( my thread here is you want some distraction 🤣 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5122881-husband-is-demanding-money?page=1 )
I got home and he was mr nice, I literally had stomach ache all afternoon
so my advice is to expect unexpected, whatever he does is to control you, sometimes with a carrot sometimes with a stick
grey rock , don’t react, water of ducks back! ( I’m trying to take my own advice here tooo)

Thank you everyone. That's really good advice @DaisyChainsandSunnyDays and I'm so sorry you're going through similar. I'll have a read of your thread and I really hope you're getting the support you need too.

@Arole I am definitely leaving. I just need to try and hang onto my sanity in the meantime. I stayed at my mum's last night and was a mess when I got there, just broke down as soon as I saw her. On the drive up I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack and almost like my brain kept freezing, like it was overloaded from having too many tabs open and just shutting down. Then I'd snap back to reality after a few seconds and panic some more because I was on the motorway.

@JellyWellyBoots that all sounds awful, I hope you're away from him now? Mine has done a few similar things, I actually found out by accident the other day that he's been spending huge amounts of joint money on tech items to apparently re-sell for profit on Ebay. Apparently he didn't see an issue with doing this when we're on the verge of separation and didn't tell me because he didn't think I'd be interested (!).

He's also taken my car keys off me as punishment because he didn't like the way I'd spoken to him, meaning I couldn't take DD to an activity she had booked. Snatched my phone/book out of my hand and thrown them out of my reach for disobeying him. Any slight annoyance or criticism from me would result in either yelling or days of silent treatment from him, or both. He's tried to convince me (and succeeded at times) that I have a number of different mental health conditions that are the cause of all our problems according to him. He's an expert at twisting everything around on me, so if I ever tried to discuss anything or raise any issues, somehow the conversation would always end up with me crying and begging for forgiveness and promising to change, and whatever issue I'd wanted to raise in the first place would either be forgotten or completely overshadowed by how awful I was.

Our car got written off last year and he flat out refused to let me buy a new one, even though we got an insurance payout, telling me I was selfish and entitled for wanting one. So I had several months of being stuck on maternity leave with 3 kids and no car, not being able to visit family and friends or take them any further than the local park. The only reason I have a car now is because my dad saw how miserable it was making me and bought me one, off his own back and with his own money.

He's yelled at me so many times for being ill or when I was struggling with post partum/cluster feeding with the babies when they were tiny. He's thrown water over me while I lay in bed ill. And the incident which made me call the police which was dragging me out of bed and down the stairs because I was too ill to get up and look after the kids (tooth abscess infection that had spread to my bloodstream so really fucking ill and painful), covering me in bruises and giving me a shoulder injury that I still have now. And that's not even all of it. He's been awful to the kids at times too, especially DD.

It sounds so terrible written down like that, but I think what's making my brain feel like it's about to short circuit is the fact that, in between those incidents, he would worship the ground I walk on, telling me how lucky he is, how beautiful I am, doing nice things for me, being jolly and happy and great fun with the kids. It's just so difficult to wrap my head around, even though I see it for what it is now. And there's an extra layer of confusion added by him telling me that I'm crazy and the abusive one, that he's not a gaslighter, I'm just in denial about needing help and can't face reality.

I feel like I've stayed really strong in the face of all this for so long, but now my mental health is starting to crumble.

I know your children probably don't want to miss the end of term, but I wonder if it wouldn't be best all round if you all stayed at your Mum's now? I would have thought SS or someone could back your request?

I realise you/ your mum might not have any childcare if you need to work (can you wfh?) but it is starting to sound so difficult for you and you have had to work so hard for so long to get to where you are. Hopefully someone with more direct experience can make some realistic suggestions for you. Your husband is such an utter bastard but over the long game you are winning 💪💪

My mum doesn't have enough space for us all, sadly. I'm really hoping that he'll keep to his word and leave at the end of the month.

He sent me a message today, saying that even though I 'wouldn't understand the need for an apology', he needed to say sorry for his most recent 'outburst', going on to blame me for it, saying that I 'trigger' him and he 'needs to get away' from me.

My blood is boiling at the injustice of this narrative he's spinning where he's the victim and I'm the abuser that he needs to get away from, but hopefully it means he will actually go I suppose.

He may be hoping you'll grovel and apologise and beg him to forgive you (to keep you even further under his thumb) - though I could of course be way off the mark here. Anyway, it's not exactly working is it? Keep strong, he is actually helping you get away by being so absurd, hopefully.