Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

Please do not waver. I felt trapped in an abusive relationship this time last year, and it was realising that his awful toxic behaviour was running the risk of literally killing my children that gave me the strength to (make him) leave.

It is hard, and you will need real genuine support and resolve, but I promise you your life and that of your child(ren) will be immeasurably better, the weight of fear and anxiety that lifts gives you so much freedom.

My thread from 11 months ago brought me so much support and truth from posters here, it got me through.

Stay with this conversation; we've got you; we're here. You and your children's wellbeing is what matters (not the excuses of a man who's been given a million chances already).💐

I agree with *RosieAway *and think a bit of tough love is needed here OP...

I do understand how incredibly tough it is as I've been there and it took me years to leave, but I can 100% say that if my child had been subjected to the fear and toxicity that yours has it would have been the easiest thing in the world to leave - I would have been out the door at the speed of light. I know this because my mother put me in the position that you're putting your DD in and it has caused so much damage to our family. One of my sisters in particular, even though she's an adult, will never forgive our mother for not leaving sooner.

Your daughter (and your other DC) should be more important to you than this monster of a man - and it really is that simple.

Unless you want to destroy your children's love and trust in you, get out and stay out. I left at the end of last summer and while it hasn't been easy, it wasn't nearly as difficult as I had catastrophised. You CAN do this. As a PP said - you need hope/faith that things will get better for you, that's exactly what's helped me to keep looking forward and not go back to a relationship that was slowly sending me to an early grave.

I promise you this will not end well. All you are doing by staying is perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

That’s all well and good but when children are party to it then they too become abusers or seek them out as adults.

You can crack on with this man but understand he is highly dysfunctional and that he is absolutely incapable of being consistently normal

Oh and once they sense you are pulling back from them then they will literally say and do anything to win you round - once that happens (usually fairly quickly) then they gradually return to their abusive self

The longer you spend with this man means the longer it will be until you find the real love of your life!

now he's doing this weird epiphany thing where he's basically admitting all the ways he's been abusive towards me and theorising out loud about why he subconsciously has so little respect for me to have treated me so badly. I've had to tell him to shut up and find a counsellor to talk to because it's such a headfuck, almost like he's this casual observer with no accountability for his own behaviour and with absolutely no empathy for the fact that he's talking my actual experiences at his hands. Plus most of the things he's been admitting and musing over he's spent years denying and telling me is all in my head, so that's been quite galling too.
What he's doing here, this is abuse too, in disguise. More of the same but dressed up as something else. He's making himself feel better (with his musings and self revelations) while making you feel worse. He's tying you in knots for his own indulgence and amusement and narcissistic supply.
Look after yourself

Hello OP.

Brilliant you reached out on here.

There are a lot of people with lived experience of Domestic Abuse on here who can help & support you.
Keep posting.

Also
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
I wonder if you've spoken to them or your local DA service before. They can listen and they can help.

As a survivor of domestic abuse, someone who works in domestic abuse services now & whose childhood was seriously impacted by domestic abuse, I strongly advise you to seek the professional support that you need.
Protect your kids & yourself. He will destroy you.

Your partner won't change.
And he isn't who you want him to be.
He never will be.

Ten years ago I posted on this site in a desperate state. Women on here held my hand virtually and I left. Like you, I knew that I had to get out or I risked losing my children.
It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done and by far the best, for me and my DDs. I showed them and myself that it’s not ok to be hurt and abused.
Ten years later I’m married to a lovely man and my girls are seeing a positive and respectful relationship between adults. I made that leap alone and held all of that responsibility - and it showed me that I could do it on my own.
You can do this OP, and you know you’ve got to. Even if it isn’t tonight, it’s happening now and however hard it is at first, you will be fine. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Focus on yourself and your children. You can do this, and you are doing it.

Well done OP but don't cave no matter what, just think how your future could be, no stress, not worrying about what mood he's going to be in, no more walking on eggshells....freedom to do what you want without having to think of him and you'll have the best sleep you've had in years. Don't waste another second on him, leave and don't look back. Good luck!

My ex did that. He admitted it, mused about the psychology of it, went to therapy, the whole nine yards.
When that tactic didn't work and I left him, he did a zombie lie and went back to denying it all over again. So much for the "therapy." He probably lied to the therapist. It's just more manipulation when they pretend to have an epihany. The truth is they knew it was abusive all along. That's what they like about it, horrifying as that is.

Wow. Thank you all so much. I'm sat on a park bench after doing the school & nursery drop offs crying at these responses. Thank you so much for all your support and strength.

It's eye opening to hear that all his self reflections are part of the script. I've fallen for this tactic a few times before (to a lesser degree), and each time I thought he was genuinely seeing his mistakes and was remorseful and serious about changing.

He has now finally admitted he’s treated me appallingly and signed up to a domestic abuse perpetrator group.

Mine promised he'd do this last year, it was one of my conditions for taking him back after he assaulted me. Yesterday he admitted that he never actually sent the application form because he didn't really think it was needed. This is the sort of thing I need to hold onto as I try to ride out these mad waves of cognitive dissonance.

Stay with this conversation; we've got you; we're here.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will.

@Cryingatthegym it's really tough, we honestly understand that. I used to spend a lot of time in the car, parked, in despair.

Hold onto that awareness that he will do anything (apart from change) in order to keep you in his orbit. Including lying to your face. Mine was (is, I presume) an alcoholic, but the script is the same. He refused to address his drinking because he "didn't think it was needed". That's the point, they don't think change is needed because everything is just as they want it to be, never mind anyone else's suffering.

It's kinda terrifying to realise this, but also, I genuinely believe, liberating for you, because it allows you to put your energy back where it belongs and where it can have positive, meaningful impact: on your life and your children's.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I'm so sorry that he hurt you, then lied in such a cruel, self-centred way. But you know now that that's who he is; he's reading from the abuser's crib sheet.

Keep going, keep focused, and seek expert help. Stay safe.

I've called Women's Aid this morning who said they still have me on the waiting list for a support worker after the last time I called them, so they're getting back to me about that. They also advised me to call the council and ask for help with housing, so I did that too and they're sending me an application form to fill out and have arranged me an emergency meeting with a Housing Officer. I've also spoken to work and taken some more time off so that's one less thing to worry about.

It's blowing my mind a bit how seriously everyone is taking me. This has all been so normal to me for so long that I'm actually shocked that I meet the threshold for help and support.

Ill be here holding your hand too ❤I believe in you OP!

I remember feeling exactly the same - I was deemed high risk and a MARAC was held and the police came round and I still didn’t think it was ‘that bad’.

Sometimes even now I question it. It goes that deep and you have to normalise it in order to survive.

Another thing to remind yourself at the moment is that the United Nations makes it very clear that sleep deprivation is legally considered a form of torture. He enjoys torturing you. He is cruel and sadistic. Don’t fall for words. They are sounds without substance. Actions are the only things of value here. The only action that holds any value right now is him leaving.

cryingatthegym look at how much you have achieved this morning alone! Think how much you can achieve if you keep strong. You feel grief for what might have been, not what was. Keep posting here. You need to stay strong and avoid him. Go out as much as you can. Sleep in a separate room. Stop engaging with him unless it's related to separation. And be very very careful. He has hurt you physically before and almost certainly will do so again. If you leave, he has nothing to lose

Honestly! I've spent so long being told that I'm crazy/I'm the abusive one that I'm really struggling to get my head around it. But also so relieved and grateful that there's support available.

I feel so much better now that some wheels are in motion. The lady at Women's Aid told me to make sure I pace myself and not try to do everything all at once, so I'm going to try and have some downtime tomorrow too. Thank you again everyone.

When I had finally got rid of my ex (he was mentally abusive and he had started physically) one of my revelations was that he enjoyed it. He enjoyed hurting me, making me cry, messing with my head, lying, gas lighting, having come to Jesus moments. Because he was so weak and had achieved nothing it made him feel big. And we believe (I did then I don't now) that people are good.

This soon to be ex of yours is enjoying this.

It takes a special type of sick to do this to someone.

Your poor kid. Can she stay at her Dad's permanently?

We've talked about it, but she wants to be at home with me and her brothers. But the option is there if she wants it, or if the atmosphere here changes, and we (as in me and her dad) think it's for the best. Things are calm again at the moment and she seems oblivious to what I have going on, but her dad is regularly checking in and if STBXH starts getting nasty again then he'll take her in a heartbeat.

Thank goodness we have a decent co-parenting relationship these days!

Your daughter might have saved your life.

So he's just spent the best part of the evening going on about how he thinks we're both equally to blame for the breakdown of the relationship because we both (!!!) have borderline personality disorder. Diagnosing me with mental health conditions is something he does often. He's begged me to speak to my therapist about it. Some of the things he's been saying are direct opposites of things he was saying just two days ago when he was apparently filled with remorse.

Even though I knew a switch in his behaviour would be coming, it's still knocked me for six. He quite literally went from hugging me as I had a tearful moment to bombarding me with this. My head is spinning. And the best part is that me disagreeing that I have BPD is apparently exactly what someone with BPD would say, and therefore confirms his theory!!

Trying to hold on to the knowledge that this kind of headfuck is exactly the reason why I'm leaving him. I wish I could articulate better quite how much he's scrambled my brain yet again.

I'm going to keep posting things here just so I have a record of this to look back on. So many things over the years have blurred or faded from my memory, so all I'm left with is this sense of confusion and emotional turmoil, but without being properly able to articulate why. I want to be able to look back on this and remember exactly why I feel the way I do.

I feel like a fool. As much as I haven't changed my mind about leaving him, it felt like such a relief to have him apparently acknowledge his behaviour and seem like he was finally seeing things from my perspective and understanding how much he's hurt me. I felt validated. Now he's just back to twisting things around onto me and messing with my sense of reality. I should have known better than to even partially believe it.

You need to disengage from him until you can get him out of your life. Not be a part of these conversations where you are listening to his nonsense, and getting sucked into discussion or trying to argue or justify or correct him, it's completely pointless and harmful to you.

Have you heard of the grey rock method @Cryingatthegym ?

I've just copied and pasted this short description from google for you, but maybe look it up to see how it could possibly help you.
The grey rock method is a technique used to help manage narcissistic and toxic behavior. The idea is that when a narcissist tries to provoke you, you disengage and remain as boring and neutral as a grey rock. Narcissistic people tend to feed off of their victims' reactions and crave attention.

@FantasticButtocks great username by the way.

That's really good advice, thank you. I have been trying really hard to withdraw and disengage from him, but I'm still struggling so much with trying to reconcile this version of him with the loving, caring husband he can be when he wants to be, and who I so desperately want(ed) him to be all the time. And I'm on the verge of tears pretty much constantly, so it's hard to hide my sadness from him. Lesson learned though I guess.

I feel like this change in attitude means we're one step closer on the ladder to him turning nasty and aggressive again.