Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

Who cares what that nasty loser thinks? His opinions are irrelevant!

Keep thinking about your daughter. Girls raised in abusive homes frequently seek out abusive men when they are older, and you don't want that for her. By leaving you are modeling strength, courage and the importance of boundaries to her, and she will thank you when she's older. Do it for her!

I am. And my boys too. I don't want them growing up thinking this is how to treat women. I'm not changing my mind. I'm just finding the headfuckery very very difficult to deal with.

OP stay strong! I have experience working with women in abusive relationships with intimate partners and he sounds dangerous. The part about not letting you sleep is particularly concerning. These men DO NOT CHANGE without significant work which requires them to overhaul their entire lives. And even then it is tough going. So please don't take his words as any thing other than words. Choose yourself, choose your daughter, and yes, choose your SONS, as ending male violence against women starts with raising boys differently!! Good luck.

He's managed to come across the Lundy Bancroft book online. So now he's reading that and using it to explain his behaviour and justify it with whatever mental health condition he thinks fits the best at that particular moment.

@Cryingatthegym the headfuckery is horrible, I know. Please do everything you can to disengage. He'll throw everything at you, words wise, to mess with your head, tie you in knots, knock you off course ... he knows his time is up and his aim is to take your strength and clarity of focus away from you.

He is not the place to look for validation, for your self esteem, he can never be the source of truth or real meaning for you. You know that. He lies and twists the truth, deliberately. I know how strong that desire to get him to "admit", to see things from your perspective is; I spent years banging my head against that particular wall. Writing things down here, telling us, keeping a record for yourself is much safer, offers much more hope of reassurance and understanding.

My ex loved to tell me I was crazy and to be honest there were times I felt I was. But I wasnt; I just couldn't orientate myself anymore because he constantly denied and twisted the reality of what I was experiencing, in a way that now seems almost comedic it was so brazen.

As others have said, step away from his opinions and analysis, they are not helpful to you. Hold onto what you know to be the truth, and to the reality of a much freer, steadier life where you and your children no longer need to reconfigure yourselves to deal with his abuse. It's tough, but your responsibility is you and your children; you're not his therapy centre. (As I realised, in a light bulb moment with my ex, I'd spent years being his pub, I wasn't about to be his rehab too.)

We're on your side. Keep your end goal in sight.

Let him! But you don't have to listen or engage. Remember: he lied to you about seeking help and self-understanding when the person it mattered to was YOU. He's making it all about him again.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Okay, listen up.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. Keep telling yourself that.

If he wants to paint you as an abuser or BPD, that's his perception to make himself feel better. It doesn't mean it's true.

Gray rock the fuck out of it. Say "hmm mm" or "okay, if that's what you think..." and leave it at that.

If he wants to to continue the relationship because 'you are both as bad as each other' just say that you don't. This is not working for you anymore.

You have to keep repeating to yourself, until you believe it, that it doesn't matter what he thinks.

It ONLY matters what you think. It ONLY matters what your children think or how it affects them.

You WILL be the bad guy in his story. Doesn't matter how this ends, you will be the bad guy. And that's okay. Sometimes being the bad guy is how you save yourself and your children. Be the 'bad' guy in his story.

But always remember that you are the hero in your and your children's stories.

You can do this!

You REALLY need to stop arguing with him. Just say whatever you need to say to end the conversation and to get away from him.

Yes I agree
yes you are right
yes I see
mm yes I’ll think about it
that’s an interesting point
i don’t know what I want
I’m a bit confused right now
I’ll talk to my counsellor about that
Im very tired and I can’t think straight

You MUST give up the idea that you need to convince him that he’s abusive and that you are right to leave. This is NOT a war of words, an intellectual debate that you need to win.

It’s about playing safe, laying low and reducing the drama until you can get out of there .

Winning = escaping

Oh and there are not two versions of him. There are NOT two people. There is one nasty controlling abuser who is a good actor and can turn on the charm to get what he wants . Which is usually to control others and then punish them when they disobey.

You must to stop thinking of him as this complex troubled character who needs your understanding .

He is never going to be the husband you thought he would be - the man he pretended to be. Your only hope of happiness for you and your children is to get away from him .

He will never change. You need to let go of this hope that is chaining you to him.

Thank you for the wise words and reminders ladies. This thread really is helping me keep my clarity and resolve in a way I've never been able to before.

@J0S there hasn't been any arguing as such, more just him talking at me and me saying as little as possible and trying to keep the peace. I figured it's probably safer for me and the kids if I can keep him being nice to me. But because I wouldn't admit to having BPD or agree to bring it up with my therapist last night he started to get annoyed. I've repeatedly asked him to keep it to himself.

@chanceornochance I just couldn't orientate myself anymore because he constantly denied and twisted the reality of what I was experiencing - that's exactly how it feels. You put it so much better than I could.

He told me last night that now he's actually referred himself to the abuse perpetrator programme, as part of the initial assessment, he admitted to them being aggressive and rough with the kids sometimes. So obviously they have to do a safeguarding referral. We already had social services involved after he hurt me, does anyone have any idea what might happen off the back of a second referral?

I can't believe this is my life.

@Cryingatthegym would your contact at Women's Aid be able to talk you through the situation with social services and the referral? I don't know the answer to this at all (maybe someone here will), but it sounds like a situation that professional guidance would help with.

I get that feeling of, really, this is my life.

Seek the support in real life that you need too, in reference to the specific practicalities of your situation.

And keep on calmly not engaging with him. But if it helps of course you can say, "oh, that's interesting about BPD, I'll ask my therapist what they think." You are not accountable to him. As someone brilliantly, astutely said upthread, you're not trying to win an intellectual argument with him. Your aim is to get away.

Winning = Escaping.

Could you put headphones on when he's ranting at you or would that trigger aggression/violence?

At the moment you are looking to him for the answers despite him being an abusive liar, because you think he's the most important person in the world.

He isn't. He's a pointless, child abusing knob. You can't do right by your innocent kids until you are able to see him objectively for what he is. Listening to his endless tirades and trying to obtain meaning from them is just fuel to him.

Blank the twat. Even if it makes you sad on the inside. Fake strength for your kids sake until you join the rest of the world who think living with child abusers is a very bad idea.

there hasn't been any arguing as such, more just him talking at me and me saying as little as possible and trying to keep the peace. I figured it's probably safer for me and the kids if I can keep him being nice to me. But because I wouldn't admit to having BPD or agree to bring it up with my therapist last night he started to get annoyed. I've repeatedly asked him to keep it to himself

he’s not going to keep it to himself so just agree with him.

“ maybe you are right about the BPD, I’ll ask my GP “

“ that’s a good idea to ask my therapist “.

You should indeed tell both these people what is happening. Your Gp may be contacted by social services so you should make an appointment now.

I see that your daughter is now living with her father full time . Do your sons have another parent or family member that they could go and live with to keep them safe while you decide if you want to leave your partner ?

I hear those who are saying blank and ignore him, but I worry that would send him over the edge into being aggressive again. It feels safer to pretend to listen and nod along, and just remind myself internally that this is exactly why I'm leaving him. The downside of that though is that his words do impact me, as much as I try not to let them.

I think we (as in me and the kids) are physically safe for now. i think he's basically trying to prove how nice and calm and reasonable he is, whilst trying to make me seem like the mentally unstable one. Again. I've been here before, many times, and I just need to ride it out and not let him mess with my head too much.

I just had a call with the support worker at Women's Aid too, who went through a safety plan with me, just in case things do take a turn for the worse. Thank you to all of you for keeping me going and for keeping me grounded and not falling for his tactics. I feel ashamed of myself for falling for them so many times before.

@J0S I am definitely leaving him this time. Definitely definitely definitely. It's just a case of keeping him placated while I work out the practicalities. And in my weaker moments when he's being super nice to us, I do start to get sad about it all and start questioning if it's really that bad or if I'm overreacting again like he says I am. But I'm not falling for it this time. I'm really not.

@Cryingatthegym I know this resonated with you, but let me tell you that I too was you 14 years ago.

The idea of ending it was terrifying, but i focused on the afterwards. Think of how you would like to feel in your own life - loved, happy, relax, free. You can't be ANY of those things while you are still tied to this deadweight

He will kill you inside, possibly outside too. He is already violent.
Imagin your DD learning that this is what HER relationship should be - imagine how you will feel when you see her in a relationship like yours is now. THAT will most definitely kill you.

End this now, end it for good, end it for you, end it for your DD. End it for your future happiness.

Someone said to me that the anticipation of fear is worse than the fear itself.

I visualised this to myself, i recognised that the way out of this was to tell the truth. to myself first and foremost, to Mumsnet - you can write these things a lot easier than say them - to outside agencies, to Womans Aid/Police/Shelter, and to friends. ALL of that is a huge deal. So take it step by step. You have admitted this to us, BRILLIANT - we are here for you. you can learn lots from us and feel our love and support. We are here for you and we all know you can do it.

So.. i imagined myself on a shore, i was holding onto a mast - that mast represented truth, the impending tidal wave was me leaving him. The wave came, it crashed over me and afterwards the calm waters washed over everything to a new horizon. I'm free. That was the beginning of the rest of my life.

Have Faith.

Remember the NICE is as abusive as the NASTY. he wont change, and he will only ever get worse.

This is not your fault, you cant change this, and he wont change this.

@MzHz your post has made me cry. You've no idea how much it means to have all these words validation and support. Especially after so many years of being told that it's all my fault/I'm to blame/I'm crazy etc. Thank you.

If you carry on you're going to lose your children and be stuck with this loser.

Clearly you are trauma bonded but you need to find the mama bear inside get the police and kick him out. Change the locks and block him on everything.

You have a choice to live with this monster, your children are not. They are going to grow up and believe this cycle of abuse is normal and continue it on making your mistakes theirs, if YOU DO NOT ACT NOW.

Then when this POS is gone, get you and your children some counselling. Show them you are strong by picking them, if you cannot pick yourself.

You are fucking up their lives as long as you allow him to fuck up yours.

You can do this be strong!

Can Womens Aid and the council help you get a sanctuary instalment? That way you aren’t the one to leave the house the DV perpetrator is.

He needs to go and social services can help you. He has other options and I presume family.

As hard as it is you need to make your focus your kids and engage no more with him.
Get him out and if he won’t leave get social service assistance. Your kids have to learn this is not a normal relationship.

@bringbacksideburns what is a sanctuary installment? I have a support worker at Women's Aid so I can ask her about it.

@Lavenderblossoms I would love to get him kicked out but he's being very careful in how he presents himself now so I'd have no real grounds. I think I need to bide my time which is essentially the advice I've had from Women's Aid too.

Sanctuary schemes for households at risk
The sanctuary scheme provides support to allow survivors of domestic abuse who want to stay in their home.
Sanctuaries are created by improving security in the property through measures such as:

1. reinforced exterior doors and windows
2. door and window locks
3. window grilles
4. alarms that connect to the police
5. intercoms and video entry systems
6. smoke detectors and fire safety equipment

A room in the house can be made into a sanctuary safe room. This is done by installing a reinforced door and a telephone or alarm system where the household can wait for the police to arrive. Conditions for a sanctuary scheme A sanctuary scheme is only available if the perpetrator is not living in the property. If the perpetrator is a joint owner or joint tenant of the property, the survivor might have to apply to court for an occupation order or tenancy transfer. If the property is rented, it is necessary to obtain the landlord's permission before making changes to the structure or fixtures like doors and windows. The sanctuary scheme coordinator can help to get permission, especially from private landlords who might object. How to find a sanctuary scheme The local authority or a specialist domestic violence service can provide more information about sanctuary schemes in each area. The goverment has produced guidance for agencies involved in setting up and delivering a sanctuary scheme.[24]

He is ridiculous. Bancroft says in the book that most of these men are not mentally ill. So he can diagnose himself until he's blue in the face and it won't mean jack squat.
He's trying to use therapeutic word salad to get you to think he's serious about change and suck you back in. Don't fall for it.

Totally agree here with @LifeExperience . I left a mentally abusive relationship (father of my children) though he was also actually a very threatening, dangerous man. I didn't seem to care about myself but the penny dropped when I realised my children would see him as this role model for their relationships and think that was acceptable. Finally then i had the strength to stand up to him and ended it.

I'd also say @Cryingatthegym , despite them being toddlers when we split, they still remember the situation and also don't put any emphasis on relationships as in I think they think all men shout. Im trying to show them that this isnt the case. So it goes to show how kids pick up on things even at such a young age.