Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

So can i just check

He’s physically injured you in front of your children and the police are involved

he is coercively controlling you, stopping you sleeping for 2 days , telling you that you are mentally ill

your daughter has gone to live with her father Full time because she has witnessed the abuse

you have social services involvement because of the risk to your 3 children

you are in private rented accommodation so you could move elsewhere

But women’s aid have told you to “ bide your time “, which i assume means wait until he’s done something worse.

Is that right?

I asked you before - do you have any family members that your boys could go and stay with while you “ bide your time” / wait for the grounds you are looking for / wait for him to attend the perpetrator programme / wait for him to change ?

Morning @J0S.

The violent incident was almost a year ago and police were involved but aren't any longer. Same with social services, they were involved at the time but not any more. Although presumably they're going to get in touch with us again now.

DD is back at home with us now, she wanted to be with me and her brothers. The option is there for her to go to her dad's whenever she wants. There's nobody who can realistically take the boys for any length of time. They're 18 months and almost 3 so a handful. My parents both live an hour away and have their own jobs etc.

Yes our house is rented, but we've just spent 6 months looking for a new place and struggled even with our joint incomes, because rents and demand is so high around here. So whilst I could look to move to a new rental, I don't think it would be a quick process with 3 kids and one part time income.

So yes in an ideal world I'd take the kids and move out tomorrow, but it's not always that simple or easy. My plan so far is as follows:

• I've put an application in for social housing and have a call with a Housing Officer today to explain the DV situation and discuss banding and timescales.

• He's agreed to give notice to the tenants who live in his old house and move in there. He says he's posting the Section 21 today and I'm going to ask for proof. So that means in 2 months he can move out.

• After that, depending on my affordability, I would like to either hang on here until the assets are split in the divorce, or hopefully eventually get a council property (no idea how realistic this is until after my call today). Failing that, yes I will look for a cheaper rental.

• Women's Aid have advised me to pack a bag containing a change of clothes, essentials for me and the kids and important documents and take it to my mum's house. So if he does kick off we can quickly get out. I'm doing that today.

So when I say bide my time, what I mean is ride out the next 2 months maximum. The words from the support worker at Women's Aid were 'you've been living in this situation for a long time, you can cope a little bit longer'.

Right now he's being super calm and nice to me, so I don't think we're in any immediate danger. I honestly think at this point it's in the best interests of the kids to keep things as stable and normal as possible, but keep an emergency escape plan in the back of my mind just in case things change. My support worker agrees with this approach.

Right now he seems like he desperately wants to prove just how level headed and reasonable he is, so that it highlights my emotional state and makes me look unstable. Almost bending over backwards for me to prove how nice and helpful he is. It's another familiar tactic after an abusive incident to be honest, but this time I'm just trying to use it to my advantage rather than falling for it.

You are doing really great woth having a plan in place and talking to as many organisations as possible.

I don't want to be a debbie downer but 2 months for the tenants to leave might not happen.
Depending on their situation and where they plan to live once they leave they may have to stay longer and without a court order they can do so.
It may be better for you to be the one to leave your current property or if rented would your husband remove his name from the tenancy (and move out)and the landlord let you stay with the kids?

@SortingItOut We have a good relationship with the tenants so hopefully if that was to happen they would be open about it and we could plan accordingly.

H's family and friends all live around 3 hours away so there's nowhere short term that he can go really. I think once I've spoken to the council today I'll have a better idea of what sort of timescales I'm looking at and whether it's better to wait it out for a council house or start looking for a new rental.

Either way, the wheels are in motion and we're going to get out.

I feel so physically exhausted today. My limbs ache and I feel like I could crawl in bed and stay there all day.

Well done OP. I’m so happy for you. It’s normal to feel exhausted, and you will for a long time after you leave as your nervous system reboots and adapts to a new ‘baseline’. When we’re in constant fight or flight it takes such a toll.

be prepared that he may be ‘nice’ now but when he realises it’s really over he might suddenly switch. I had to pretend my separation was only temporary in order to get out safely.
plesse be careful.

Hi OP, Hope you are doing ok today!
Dont forget you can apply for UC, please check what benefits you could be entitled to.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/benefits-check/#:~:text=If%20you%27re%20struggling%20financially%2C%20it%27s%20likely%20that%20you%27ll,circumstances%20and%20suggest%20what%20help%20could%20be%20available.

@PinkLemonade555 yes I am aware of that. He's already started in a way with the whole 'you're mentally unwell' angle. I think he's scared of getting arrested again, so that's partially why he's being as nice and calm as he is and going for the subtle mind games instead.

I have an exam in a weeks time which I can't defer, so on top of all of this I'm trying to prepare and revise as much as I can. Once that's out of the way, I plan to start thinking about getting some legal advice and getting the ball rolling with the divorce. That's when I suspect he may change from nice to nasty.

Does anyone know if I can claim UC while he's still living with us? Or do I have to wait for him to move out before I can claim?

Yes you can but you need to be officially separated and keep all your financial affairs separate, even food shopping.

I'm having a really hard time tonight. All weekend he's been acting so happy and normal, chatting to me and asking if we can take the kids to the park together etc. Meanwhile I'm barely keeping it together. When I asked him how he can be so normal, he said he feels relieved that it's happening. That he's free from 'all that' - gesturing at me. I feel heartbroken. I keep having to ask him to give me space and remind him how hurtful it is for me to see him seemingly absolutely fine when I'm falling apart. I've cried tonight and he was completely cold, asking what I want from him.

I feel so heartbroken. He's always been cold when I've been upset and never really been there for me emotionally. Why do I still feel like I want his comfort and reassurance so badly when I KNOW this is who he is. It's killing me.

The need for comfort from your abuser is part of trauma bonding. It's a variant of Stockholm syndrome. You will recover from it when you are away from him.

The withholding is part of the game, to make you crave him. You don’t need manipulative comfort. It’s not real. WE are all sending you comfort on here. Wrap your arms around yourself, this is a virtual hug from everyone here. You can do this. You will do this x

Thank you both for replying.

I'm ashamed to say he eventually came to comfort me and we ended up sleeping together. You're completely right about craving him. Fuck. I feel so stupid, as well as even more sad and confused. How can it feel so right when he's also the person who is regularly so awful to me.

I was already planning to ask him if he'll look for a short term room to let while we sort out our living situation. I'm going to ask him tomorrow because I can't keep doing this. It's just another head fuck.

I get it. I’ve done it. Please don’t let this be a setback. You’re addicted to the highs and lows and need to stop being around him.

I gave my ex who was the same so many chances, he went to therapy for a year too. Guess what? He didn’t change. They can’t. Yours WILL NOT either. You are simply prolonging the pain for yourself. I am speaking from bitter experience

Dont feel ashamed! sending you lots of love

You're doing great; you have proper plans in place and are doing your best. Please don't feel any shame - it is an impossible situation and I truly think that only people who have lived with their abusers understand how hard it is to exist and untangle yourself.

I wanted to say a few things to keep you going. First, you mentioned earlier that you were scared that ignoring your H would only make him angrier. For me, grey rock isn't about ignoring, it's just about making yourself as neutral and passive as possible, to be the most boring person you can be in their presence so even though they're trying to get a rise (and thus attention, and thus a 'reason' to attack you), you won't give it. eg: Him: 'I think you're being abusive too', you: 'maybe, I'll have a think about that'; or, him: 'you're just a [whatever horrible insult] aren't you', you: 'ok, maybe, yeah'. Complete mental and emotional disengagement but still basic, functional interactions. And it's hard! But once you're in the rhythms of it, hopefully it'll be easier.

Second: The 'I can't believe this is my life' is so real; it's such a complete mindfuck to look at the person you love/d and also know that that person (and how they look, and how they sound and smell) is also the person causing such appalling damage. One stupid thing I did was to imagine my abuser as a horrible lizard creature who was wearing a human 'suit' - to the outside world he looked like a regular charismatic man who was funny and smart but I knew that inside was really this horrible thing that came out when he was awful to me, and that was who he really was. Deranged, maybe, but it helped me remember that the real him was the abusive shit, not the supposedly kind and charming man.

Courage courage courage. It's going to feel so good when you're out of there.

It really does feel like an addiction. Almost like a physical relief to be on the receiving end of his positive attention. And when he's being 'normal' like he has been over the weekend, it's like my brain starts doubting all the bad stuff and wondering if it really was that bad after all.

I've been to the GP this morning for a sick note for work so I can have a bit of headspace. Yet again, seeing a professional be so concerned by the things I was telling them has shocked me but was also quite validating too and a reminder that I'm doing the right thing.

I've sent him a message about moving out to a room for the next few weeks and he said he'd talk to me when he gets home. As difficult as I think I'll find it, I do think it will help to be away from him.

Your child rang her dad to come and get her because she didn't feel safe. All I've read after that can be no way held up to yhat.None of this stuff you're feeling matters OP. You need to get rid of him. There is absolutely no way of coming back from how he made your child feel.

Your child didn't feel safe. You should have got him lifted the second he started his torture of not letting you sleep. There's a reason they use it to torture people.

Every time he starts his mind games. Say to him "my child rang her dad because she didn't feel safe in her own house, there is no coming back from that no matter what you say, we are separating or I'll be involving the police.'

Keep that one fixed point in your head. You or him don't get to do that to your kids. Your relationship is a joke and you can't stay together. No matter how addicted you are to him.

It's totally your choice - your 10 year old daughter or him...

Your husband is a liar. Everything he says and does is in service to his desire to control and abuse you. Whether he threatens or sympathizes these are all tactics of abuse. And you are teaching him that these tactics, in succession, will work.

This is an addiction, as you yourself have observed. Going cold turkey is the only path towards safety. You can not negotiate a retreat—he won’t honestly negotiate with you.

You are absolutely right. You all are. I am choosing to leave. It's just so painful and confusing being in the same house. I wish I could turn my feelings off, it would be easier if he was horrible and abusive all the time.

@gamerchick that's exactly what I am doing. Not to him (because I'm trying to be as passive as possible like @fastcarsnarrowstreets suggests), but in my head. I'm telling myself over and over.

I had a weak moment last night. But it hasn't changed anything for me. Fingers crossed he agrees to move out sooner and then I can go cold turkey. I've bought a book on my Kindle called 'Is It Even Abuse' which I'm hoping will help me keep my thoughts clear.

Thank you to everyone on this thread for keeping me strong when that's the last thing I feel.

He's just text me asking me to make sure I suggest to my therapist that I may have borderline personality disorder. Unbelievable.

that's exactly what I am doing. Not to him (because I'm trying to be as passive as possible like

Is that how you want to teach your daughter to be in her relationships? we don't realise we sometimes subconsciously end up with partners similar to a parent. It's familiar and comfortable, despite the abuse.

Given your cravings for this man, passive isn't going to work.

Please, please, please @Cryingatthegym ignore these messages. Do not engage, he is ruthlessly pulling your strings.

Yes, it is honestly, literally unbelievable the distorting lengths they will go to to attract and keep your attention, to knock you off course and make you doubt yourself.

And his messages, his behaviours, his 'comforting' of you are all designed to feed your addiction to him and the rollercoaster, emotional and otherwise, of life with him. And, like any other drug dealer, he has no principles or morality when it comes to the impact he is having on you (and your children).

I get it, believe me I do. But the only way to break the addiction (trauma bond) cycle is to refuse to engage in it; you need to clearly see it for what it is. As others have said, what matters here is your children; you cannot allow the dynamic between you and this man to affect them any more. That is why people are talking about the 'grey rock' strategy - because it removes the dynamic; you can interact with him, but it is minimal and comes with no emotional energy or investment from you.

And it might not be my place to say this, but please don't tell him any more about you and him being 'finished' because otherwise you'll lose your daughter. This simply gives him more ammunition - basically, you're sharing with him your deepest fears and (if he's anything like my ex, and I sense he is from how you describe him), to be blunt he doesn't give a fuck - he's prepared to do things that puts your daughter's wellbeing at risk, you know that. So, don't share anything with him, because he'll use it against you, and you'll break yourself again and again against that despair of wanting him to care about you.

Oh, and don't beat yourself up about the sex, it happens, but please don't wait till he moves out to start on the 'cold turkey'. He needs to look in your eyes and know that you 100% mean it - otherwise you'll find yourself in the cycle all over again. The cold turkey starts right now; it has to. However appalling his behaviour or outrageous his claims, they are nothing to you.

You've got this, and we've got you; as someone says, let this thread be your comfort - draw energy, understanding and resilience from us.

(Sorry to be so direct here; I stayed (or let him stay) for years longer than he should have, because I kept getting drawn back into the vortex of thinking he might change / care / be 'himself' - and guess what, it got worse and worse and worse. For your sake and the sake of your children, reduce your expectations of him to zero and focus on your future, which I promise you will be a million times freer than where you are now.)