Please help me stay strong and actually leave my abusive relationship

[Cryingatthegym]

I've spent the last year or so coming to terms with the fact that I'm stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm trauma bonded to him. I've read Lundy Bancroft. I've been going to counselling. I've even had him arrested for physically hurting me in front of my kids.

But still.

Every time I get on the brink of saying enough is enough, he wins me back around by being so sweet and affectionate and remorseful and promising to change. It's like he's two completely different people. I'm too exhausted and drained to recall all of the incidents that have happened over the years, but there's some horrible stuff, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. Aggressive, gaslighting, being angry at me for being ill, convincing me I'm crazy, blaming me for everything. Actually. Physically. Fucking. Hurting. Me. When I zoom out and look at it objectively I can see it for exactly what it is. So why does leaving feel so difficult? Why do I feel like I love him so much?

This week there was an incident where he was raging at me for 2 days straight because I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend time with me instead of playing on his computer game. He spent 2 nights refusing to let me sleep and telling me I didn't deserve to sleep in our bed. Telling me how abusive and manipulative and awful I am for saying what I did. Telling me there's something wrong with me for thinking that him refusing to let me sleep was a punishment.

This is pretty standard stuff. But this time something snapped inside of me because my DD10 took it upon herself to message her dad and get him to pick her up because she was scared by him shouting and me crying. That was on Tuesday and she hasn't been home since. That's been the wake up call I needed. But it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I'm grieving my future and the husband I wanted and thought I had. And it's not helped by the fact that he's being so nice to me now, even about the idea of divorcing.

Please help me stay strong and follow through with it this time. I feel so pathetic.

If he's setting up his own narrative that he had to you leave you bc you're such an impossible woman (which he'll then repeat on to whoever will listen) then - great, fantastic, whatever it takes to get him and his batshit logics out of the door. As the young people would say, he is indeed showing his entire ass. Courage, courage - you're doing brilliantly.

I think he's just desperately trying to regain a sense of control... If he decides he was going to divorce me anyway because I'm so abusive, that gives him the power back and puts me back on the back foot.

That's my theory anyway. But whatever his reasons for all this wild stuff he's come out with, none of it matters to me any more. I just want him gone so I can live in peace.

I had to look this phrase up because I'd never heard of it before -

Used to describe when someone tries to elevate themselves and ends up exposing their ignorance (or flaws, etc).

How apt. Thanks @fastcarsnarrowstreets!

He’s a narc, needs to save his face and always look like a good guy or at least the victim and not a villain.
whatever- as long as he’s gone who cares what he and his flying monkeys think.

It absolutely is. They lure you back in with it. It's a deliberate tactic, not genuine remorse for their behaviour.

Once he's gone, eventually this will be so far in your rear view that it will feel almost unreal. You'll get there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It is a total headfuck, because that's what he intends it to be. I say that knowing full well that being aware that these are textbook tactics don't make them any easier to cope with.

Please just try and stay as steady and calm as you can, lean on your real-life friends, and disengage as much as you can.

One reason we all recognise his shabby, predictable tactics is, I think, because he has such a limited number of cards available to play; this type of bullying, headfuckery really is the approach to life taken by those with a pretty restricted emotional bandwidth. It's not driven by cleverness but by a lack of self-awareness and shared human feeling.

Don't be drawn back in, keep your distance and cool; truly, life will feel so much richer and steadier very soon.

Don’t let him mess with your head with the changing narrative. They all do it, I swear there’s a subreddit that teaches them this bullshit.

I’ve just divorced my abuser and over the course of the divorce he submitted 3 completely different accounts of our long marriage to the court. I don’t mean that each one replaced that last one, they were all in the court papers at the same time!

one where he had spent 8 years doing everything for me because he loved me so much and wanted me back

one where he said he had recently decided that he was a victim of domestic abuse because I was cold and unfeeling. Although he failed to explain why he didn’t leave leave when he had all the money, the well paid job and no kids of look after )

one where he said he I had been blackmailing him for years and that’s why he stayed with me. Although he didn’t say what I was blackmailing him about or offer any proof and no he had never told anyone but yes of course it was true.

The last one he was actually told to remove as if we went to court for the divorce he could perjure himself and go to jail !

Did I mention he's supposedly an intelligent man with a PhD and a professional job? I can ony asusue that these stories sounded so good in his head he couldn’t see that they contradicted each other 🙄

so welcome to the world of crazy lying ex husbands @Cryingatthegym . I hope you manage to escape soon.

Thank you @KristinaM. That sounds unbelievable. I really think you're right about the subreddit thing. It's blowing my mind, not only how textbook my own H's behaviour has been, but also how many threads I see on here about men who are saying and doing the EXACT same things. Where do they learn it?! It honestly frightens me that my sons might grow up to be like this one day.

Anyway, I'm managing to stay pretty strong in the face of his shifting moods and narratives so far. I've just accepted the fact that anything I do or say will be wrong and he'll find a way to twist everything. Whatever, I'm past caring.

There's a Taylor Swift lyric that goes 'honey when I'm above the trees, I see this for what it is' and that's how I'm imagining myself. Floating above it all where he can't touch me, seeing his manipulation clearly. And trying to limit my interactions with him as much as possible so he has minimal ammunition.

2 weeks until he moves out.

@Cryingatthegym you sound strong and determined, hold onto that.

I think these abusive men have trained us over the years to think that they are the arbiters of right and wrong, truth and lies, reasonable and unreasonable behaviour. So when we want to leave them, we feel that we need to convince them that they are abusive / unreasonable and when we they do that , it will be ok for us to leave.

Even when in our heads we know that we don’t need their permission to leave.

That why you read so many threads here where woman say

I’ve just read the Lundy Bancroft book and this chapter describes my husband exactly but he won’t accept it. How can I persuade him that he’s abusive ?

and then

“ I showed him this thread but he says you are all crazy “.

Or women say “ I won’t do X or I will do Y so that he can’t say Z “.

When he can say what the hell he wants, regardless of what you did or didn’t do. If you can’t control what he says when you are living with him, how will you control his mouth when you have left him ??

I’ve seem women say crazy things like

“ I just want the kids , I’ll let him keep 80% of matrimonial assets to keep things amicable in the divorce “.

When most of these men want MORE than 100% of matrimonial assets, they have a huge sense of entitlement . And they will be hellish to divorce regardless of how much you give them.

Another 2 weeks...

I thought he was going at the end of this month - which is by this coming Wednesday...

He gets the keys back from the tenants on the 31st. It's then our middle child's birthday a few days later, so we've agreed he'll move out after that, on the days DD goes to her dad's so she won't see any upheaval.

DS's birthday was ruined last year because H assaulted me and was arrested & bailed with conditions a few days before it. So I'm happy to ride it out for another few days to make sure he has a nice day this year.

@KristinaM thank you. I do mostly feel determined but not always strong. That comes in waves. I've just taken the smallest two DC to a birthday party and seeing the other happily married couples while I dashed around after two toddlers by myself was really tough. I nearly cried on the way home.

OP please stay strong but more importantly stay safe. He assaulted you this time last year - and was arrested - please keep reminding yourself of this. You are in the most dangerous stage of the process right now. Rely on your supports, including here. Good luck.

Thank you. I am staying strong, but I think the closer it gets to the anniversary of him assaulting me the more emotional I'm getting.

I feel like I've wasted a year. I've put my kids through witnessing so much that they wouldn't have seen if I'd been stronger a year ago.

And at the same time, I feel so much grief for the future and relationship I thought I was getting. And I'm so scared of the future.

That is all completely normal. 100% human response to an awful situation. Please know that some people NEVER leave these situations and the damage caused as a result is much much worse. You are doing the very best thing for you and your family. I promise that this time next year you will be feeling much different.

Just hold tight! If you end it basically a year from that assault you are doing amazingly!

But don’t be sentimental about your DS’s birthday—YOU didn’t ruin it last year and if you have to call the police or spray your ex down with a firehose snd eject him from the house this year you will not be responsible for ruining it this year. He will. He had every chance to be a good, loving, human being and he happily snd vigorously threw it away. Its alllllll on him.

Thank you both. I really feel like I'm only just hanging on to my sanity. DS's party is going to be especially tough tomorrow because all of H's family are going to be there. His parents didn't want us to be together when we first met (they're from a different culture and didn't like that I was older than him and already had a child), so I feel like they'll be blaming me too.

I've barely been interacting with H unless it's necessary, but he clearly sensed my low mood because this morning, as soon as I got up, he started asking me what was wrong, all care and concern, asking if I was ok and if he'd done something to upset me.

I just thought erm?! What about the weeks of mind games and manipulation?! And didn't reply. But then after some more pushing eventually I said I didn't want to discuss my feelings with him, because anything I do share ends up being used against me. Of course, he fully denied this and accused me of 'extreme cynicism', caused no doubt by my undiagnosed borderline personality disorder that I only exhibit around him.

Arghhh. The expertise with which he manages to turn everything around onto me is astounding. It makes my head spin. He somehow manages to make me feel crazy and in the wrong about absolutely everything. The WHOLE reason I'm trying not to share anything is because that's what he does, and I can't even share THAT without him doing it! I'm not sure that even makes sense.

And on top of all of this I just feel like such a massive fucking failure.

I've been out with DD for the day and now I'm back he's acting all cold and hurt because, during the conversation this morning, he tried to give himself the upper hand by saying that at least he was showing care for how I was, and had I done the same for him?? And I retorted 'no, because I'm not interested!'. Cue another opportunity for him to be the wounded party, and me the villain.

Literally nothing I do or say is safe from being used or twisted by him.

I'm honestly just writing this down so I can read it back later and remind myself what it was like.

Ahh OP it's a good thing you're documenting this all of this. Otherwise later you might think maybe it wasn't as bad as yoy remember.

Also good luck with DS's party tomorrow, I really hope it goes well x

Stay strong OP, you are doing amazing, sending strength your way to keep going. Keep your eye on the end prize and we can all hold your hand to the final outcome. 💐

He sounds utterly deranged. For someone so controlling why is he taking the moving out so well? Be on guard. I am sure you are aware the actual splitting up is a very dangerous time for women. Are your family on hand/nearby in the next few weeks.

You are not a failure. You have been living with a crazy man and trying your best to make it work. The failure is his.

Draw a triangle and put on it victim, rescuer, persecutor and just notice for yourself how he tries to push you around the triangle:

1. whats wrong honey? (Rescuer)
2. how dare you refuse to talk? (Rescuer rejected becomes angry victim himself)
3. you hurt me by not caring! (Victim)

Both these points: rescuer and victim in reality are forms of persecution of you.

The only way out is not to be on the triangle.

Don't get into personal convos with him. Look up grey rock technique. It will help you get through this. You don't tell him anything personal. You don't explain yourself. Imagine you are a customer service representative and he is a difficult customer.

You are not a failure. You will succeed at this and go on to live a much better life.

What @XChrome said.

@Cryingatthegym And on top of all of this I just feel like such a massive fucking failure.

you will feel this, and worse, but you will rise. You’re not a failure, this ‘fail’ wasn’t you, it was him. He has abused you to the point where you’ve lost perspective and lot support and your own self worth.

BUT HE HAS NOT WON, you’re getting out and by that act you win. You have the strength to do this. To take the first steps to freedom

the end of your relationship is the beginning of the rest of your journey. You have to push yourself hard through to leave, and then you can start to build yourself a better happier life

it seems impossible, but once you’re finally free, youll wonder what kept you.

Im 13 years free myself. Mumsnet helped me so so much. Lean on all of us to keep yourself strong and focused

Thank you everyone. DS's party went really well and he had a great time. It was VERY tough for me emotionally though, acting normal and all happy families with H in front of his family and parents from nursery. But I had a few close friends there helping and quietly supporting me which was nice.

It's really thrown me though, being a 'normal family' for the day. All my feelings of love for H started to resurface and all the 'is it really that bad' doubts started to creep in. Argh. I didn't let any of it show though thankfully. My friend said I should play poker I hid it that well.

@AzureBlue99 For someone so controlling why is he taking the moving out so well? Good question. I think it's precisely because him acting like separating is a mutual (or even his) decision gives him the feeling of control back. Or, maybe he is just genuinely pleased to be getting rid of me. I'm trying not to dwell on it to be honest.

@pikkumyy77 that triangle analogy is scarily accurate. He does seem to always be in one of those roles when he's being adversarial towards me. That's another good thing to keep in mind when I'm interacting with him, thank you.

@XChrome I'm trying really hard to grey rock, and doing a pretty good job I think. My point is that he's even managing to use that against me - ie, he's not done anything wrong, therefore me shutting down on him is due to my warped view of the situation, because I'm mentally unstable. It's exhausting and infuriating.

The failure thing, I really do feel like I've somehow failed. At being married. At choosing a good husband. At giving my kids stability. All I wanted after I left DD's dad was a secure and stable life for us, and instead I've given her so much upheaval and trauma. And now my boys are going to grow up in a broken home, from such young ages that they won't even remember their parents being together. It absolutely breaks my heart.

I'm also worried about being judged, like people are going to wonder what's wrong with me that I've ended up a single mum with kids from 2 different dads. I live in a very middle class area and I remember feeling ostracised for being a relatively young single mum when DD was small, I worry it's going to be even worse now.